I think we complete each other,
souls made of the same organic element-
that fit with mirroring shapes. Are we both of sky? or I earth and you wind. Sex and Love.
We both have trouble with intimacy. But the emotional side comes naturally to you and the physical embrace comes naturally to me. Maybe we can teach each other.
I understand your fear, just as you understand mine.
we have needs, physical and emotional.
You want to feel me from the inside, but as soon as its time to take the plunge
you retreat. feel guilty for leading me on, for not following through and depriving yourself.
Past experiences defining what it means to love or fuck, what happens when people venture into eachother.
Its not that you arnt attracted to me and Im sorry I asked if you were gay.
I didnt make the connection. and It makes sense that in the coin of love-
one of us would feel okay about one side but not the other.
My downfall is the most crucial, I have one small hand reaching up
hoping you grab mine. to be in love what a feeling I can only imagine.
Like you imagining how it would feel to have me completely yours,
hugging you wet and sweetly. To be loved by you would
be my hearts climax but the fears! You tell yourself to be brave but you dont know what to do.
There are expectations. How to love, how to fuck. You worry your technique wont be good enough. I worry that my vulnerable outstretched hand of affection wont compare to the girls you've loved before me. You dont realize that as long as its with you its the best sex of my life. and I dont realize that as long as its with me, I can be a fool and my love is all you need. The problem IS self love, ultimately. There are parts about myself I dont love and refuse to show anyone. The companionship, the dancing of souls requires complete surrender. barfing up every unsightly hidden thing about yourself till your both staring into a grotesque pile of puke and laughing about it. I know everything happens when its supposed to. But Im wondering why you've come into my life so early. Something so beautiful. You a lifted, silk winged butterfly who carries the sunshine in your smile beckons me to fly before my time. Am I ready, am I doubting myself to much? If I try to fly will I fall and batter my chances of flying agian? Is it worth the risk, can you wait for me to muster the courage to try.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
blanket of love
Its like im coming down all the time
and your my favorite blanket.
Underneath and I get too warm,
But crave your familiarity and softness.
Sweating and rolling in circles I cant fight it any longer.
Take the covers off and your cast on the floor cuz I cant keep a stable temperature.
Then Im freezing, and chills run through my spine.
Im erratic. The moon frightens me and shadows jump from behind bookshelves,
I need you again, the warmth at first is so calming. Dusting you off I never
want you off of me. but again I sweat. Think how better suited you'd
folded across the bed of someone who can sleep soundly and keeps you clean.
Remembering the times when I slept that way. Reluctant to give you away
Your my only chance at warmth but on the floor you lay
and your my favorite blanket.
Underneath and I get too warm,
But crave your familiarity and softness.
Sweating and rolling in circles I cant fight it any longer.
Take the covers off and your cast on the floor cuz I cant keep a stable temperature.
Then Im freezing, and chills run through my spine.
Im erratic. The moon frightens me and shadows jump from behind bookshelves,
I need you again, the warmth at first is so calming. Dusting you off I never
want you off of me. but again I sweat. Think how better suited you'd
folded across the bed of someone who can sleep soundly and keeps you clean.
Remembering the times when I slept that way. Reluctant to give you away
Your my only chance at warmth but on the floor you lay
Id rather hurt, than have him hurt.
But in just being who i am it feels out of my control.
Being untrue to myself would be missleading,
Being true to myself leads into chaos.
If I was misstaken for someone with emotional maturity I appologive for
misrepresenting myself. I shouldnt have made myself seem ready for love
when Im so very far from it. And he is made of love.
But in just being who i am it feels out of my control.
Being untrue to myself would be missleading,
Being true to myself leads into chaos.
If I was misstaken for someone with emotional maturity I appologive for
misrepresenting myself. I shouldnt have made myself seem ready for love
when Im so very far from it. And he is made of love.
To end this
And of course Im head over heals for him,
He is the epidemy of anything Ive ever admired in someone.
I feel like a monster besides his radiance his selflessness and eagerness to please.
He deserves an angel of grace not deceit. But arnt we all human,
Harboring our infantile needs and first pounding tantrums.
Looking back I'll wish I hadnt made things so painfuly difficult.
Just relaxed and take love for what its worth and return it. let myself be happy,
But I wouldn't be this way if it felt like a choice.
I think I'll always be more or less alone.
Ive become accustomed to him seeing my vulnerable side,
Its my ugly side Im trying to shield him from.
The one with the broken heart is never at fault.
So Im learning. What im doing is rotting my heart from the inside out,
where as he might feel some mild bruising.
there is no pain like inflicting pain,
on someone you love.
maybe this is a manifestation of self loathing.
I have an addiction to hurting myself.
He is the epidemy of anything Ive ever admired in someone.
I feel like a monster besides his radiance his selflessness and eagerness to please.
He deserves an angel of grace not deceit. But arnt we all human,
Harboring our infantile needs and first pounding tantrums.
Looking back I'll wish I hadnt made things so painfuly difficult.
Just relaxed and take love for what its worth and return it. let myself be happy,
But I wouldn't be this way if it felt like a choice.
I think I'll always be more or less alone.
Ive become accustomed to him seeing my vulnerable side,
Its my ugly side Im trying to shield him from.
The one with the broken heart is never at fault.
So Im learning. What im doing is rotting my heart from the inside out,
where as he might feel some mild bruising.
there is no pain like inflicting pain,
on someone you love.
maybe this is a manifestation of self loathing.
I have an addiction to hurting myself.
my fatal flaw
All Ive wanted, was to be loved fully,
Had my flaws accepted and overlooked.
But its making me angry, its making me scared.
The things I dislike in myself I cannot fathom
Why he could tolerate them, love them as a part of me.
Makes me squirm and itch. want to retreat.
I cant handle loving and not being loved back,
But neither can I handle loving and being loved back in return.
Its involuntary, so I'm letting it run its course.
nothing is ever ideal, no person is perfect...
and emotions run high no matter how good someone is at hiding it.
We are all the same massive ball of tears,
Sad baby's laughing because we think somethings supposed to be funny.
holding onto that brief moment of unity,
when everyone in the room is making the same sound.
Had my flaws accepted and overlooked.
But its making me angry, its making me scared.
The things I dislike in myself I cannot fathom
Why he could tolerate them, love them as a part of me.
Makes me squirm and itch. want to retreat.
I cant handle loving and not being loved back,
But neither can I handle loving and being loved back in return.
Its involuntary, so I'm letting it run its course.
nothing is ever ideal, no person is perfect...
and emotions run high no matter how good someone is at hiding it.
We are all the same massive ball of tears,
Sad baby's laughing because we think somethings supposed to be funny.
holding onto that brief moment of unity,
when everyone in the room is making the same sound.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
yadayadayadaaa
If I make things to complicated, am I sabotoging happiness or revealing parts of myself that are going to surface later anyways.. If anything I think weve both learned something. Both on this crucial hunt for love. Someone who gets us, accepts our flaws. But found out that we wernt ready. You, for whatever reason. fear probubly. old wounds. And me, for to many reasons to list. My main draw back aside from the obvious fear of hurt, rejection, vulnerability ect. Is feeling uncomfortable BEING loved. and that intense emotion can bring out the worste in people. I always mean well, but to protect myself I can be prone to hurting others. being insensitive, and at the slightest hint of rejection from the otherperson I can spiral into insecurity and guard myself so deffensivly. When we had plans to hang out and rent a movie, and you didnt call or come home till 1am I was hurt. thought you were trying to send the message that you didnt want to spend time with me. I felt dissregarded. Felt an enevidable heartbreak coming so I was passive agressive in not saying how I felt and told you I thought you should leave. I think if Im suited for anyone romanticly its you, because you knew how to coax me out of my anxiety, my anger and was patient enough to hear me out. Im reluctant though because that isnt fair to you. You deserve someone who treats you better, and I make things more complicated than whats enjoyable to deal with. I am an incredibly loving, devoted, smart, funny, adventurous person but love unleashes my demons. And even when things are good, the stress of losing the person I care for is enough to drain me. Everyone deals with this shit, but it consumes me. I make this mistake everytime. And see the parelel between how I respond to love, and the way Ive seen my mom deal with all her relationships. the abuse, and manipulation ive hated, but internalized. Need to unlearn. Self doubt holds me back, undervalueing myself and putting others on a pedestal. Things Ive known for a year now, but have struggled to change. Invulenatrily relying on anyone who gives me the warm fuzzy feelings then having my world crash down when they dont meet me insane expectations and constant reassurance. But being in healthy relationship is something I need to work on because I crave companionship. I can be happy alone, but lonely Im sure. I want to get married someday, die with someone whos a part of my soul. but I dont want it to be miserable, hate fueled, and bitter. Ending up with someone like my moms boyfriend who treats me like shit but who I stay with because dissfunction is all I know. How to love yourself, and love others healthily? Do I go thru the motions with Jeremy, not acting on my insecurities, and remaining somewhat distant.
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