yadayadayadaaa

If I make things to complicated, am I sabotoging happiness or revealing parts of myself that are going to surface later anyways.. If anything I think weve both learned something. Both on this crucial hunt for love. Someone who gets us, accepts our flaws.  But found out that we wernt ready. You, for whatever reason. fear probubly. old wounds.  And me, for to many reasons to list. My main draw back aside from the obvious fear of hurt, rejection, vulnerability ect. Is feeling uncomfortable BEING loved.  and that intense emotion can bring out the worste in people. I always mean well, but to protect myself I can be prone to hurting others. being insensitive, and at the slightest hint of rejection from the otherperson I can spiral into insecurity and guard myself so deffensivly. When we had plans to hang out and rent a movie, and you didnt call or come home till 1am I was hurt. thought you were trying to send the message that you didnt want to spend time with me. I felt dissregarded. Felt an enevidable heartbreak coming so I was passive agressive in not saying how I felt and told you I thought you should leave. I think if Im suited for anyone romanticly its you, because you knew how to coax me out of my anxiety, my anger and was patient enough to hear me out. Im reluctant though because that isnt fair to you. You deserve someone who treats you better, and I make things more complicated than whats enjoyable to deal with. I am an incredibly loving, devoted, smart, funny, adventurous person but love unleashes my demons. And even when things are good, the stress of losing the person I care for is enough to drain me.  Everyone deals with this shit, but it consumes me. I make this mistake everytime. And see the parelel between how I respond to love, and the way Ive seen my mom deal with all her relationships. the abuse, and manipulation ive hated, but internalized. Need to unlearn. Self doubt holds me back, undervalueing myself and putting others on a pedestal.  Things Ive known for a year now, but have struggled to change. Invulenatrily relying on anyone who gives me the warm fuzzy feelings then having my world crash down when they dont meet me insane expectations and constant reassurance. But being in healthy relationship is something I need to work on because I crave companionship. I can be happy alone, but lonely Im sure. I want to get married someday, die with someone whos a part of my soul. but I dont want it to be miserable, hate fueled, and bitter. Ending up with someone like my moms boyfriend who treats me like shit but who I stay with because dissfunction is all I know. How to love yourself, and love others healthily? Do I go thru the motions with Jeremy, not acting on my insecurities, and remaining somewhat distant.