My drug

Future. Fantasy. Availability.
loosening the tight head lock of reality.
I catch my breath, in heathing sighs,
that slows to the pulse of a frogs croak.
Harmony is reached. Hypnotism. 
I see everything I have ever wanted.
You tell me its there. waiting.
Ready. at my finger tips.
I see everyone I have
ever loved.
I see my
self.
ok.

eat your words.

The worms,
The maggot skins,
The Laughing gass,
The freash sweat,
The sweet cream.
Pouring from my mouth,
to yours, to mine, from yours, from ours.
Trying to get the last word in. Manipulation currdles the lies.
The soup is sickeningly thick, and I miss the care we used to harbor.
Smiling into our bowls, and shiny spoons.
Pretending it tastes the same, as it did,
When we were young.

expanded list with no order

I have been living with my grandparents for over a month
They are two of the most wonderful people I will ever know.

Im trying convince myself to stay centered.
with little conviction.

Nobody reads this. Nobody cares.
but today I came to the conclusion that my existance still matters.
regardless of the difference I am making.

I am a lover of ideas, and not actuality.
I will always love the idea of you, and what you may represent.

I am getting to fucking old for rebellion.

mold and intestines

Fate is taking on new meaning in my life.
Id like to trust that if I simply let go, and stop trying so hard to control the chaos,
My life will be equally balanced with joy and suffering. this is okay.
It puts me at ease with the universe. commitment remains an issue.

vodka and orange juice

I lied and said I was happy.

I am happy.

I feel invigorated. but self conscious.
yet my ego is bursting.

I am fascinated.

we are flawed

hold me upsidown,
and dip my head underwater.
let the current take my hair,
and my eyes, my brow, and ears.
Leave nothing but my mouth,
so that I can breath into you,
The only part of me that has not yet wilt.
Take my fingernails, to berry like seeds,
In your back. Dont forget me,
Tomorows sky brings acid rain and I cannot stay.

Just his name

fries my brain, like an electric shock,
straight into my pelvic vein.
His voice tramples what I thought to be sane.
my sense of self, lost in new terrain.
this heart of mine, his domain.
this rush of blood, worse than nicotine and cocaine,
I am beyond my usual shame,
I see only him, and in my loss,
I sense his gain.

You baffle me.

the same old shit

It begins again. My gradual dissregard for anything, other than what I want.
My priorities are set low. I feel like my vision is getting narrower and narrower,
as my actions become more bold. The waiting continues, as I become more desperate for results.
Im ready to rock n roll. and I am triggering a small series of events to perpetuate the cycle.
The boy in question. The angry parents. The friends that seem to care.
slacking, and reserved I leave the house often and avoid my family.
We dont talk about it. They dont ask. but the concern in their eyes is evident.
I wait for the results from my last UA. honestly it could go either way.
Ive been moderate with my drinking. the weed was a one time thing.
but im simply testing the waters. quietly provoking the ones I love,
Into rage, so that I can be justified in my mistakes. If I can just make you hate me,
maybe I wont feel so guilty. Ive dont this a million times,
then coaxed them into false hopes that Ive changed.
that this time things will be okay. My parents know better, but my grandparents are so much more trusting. My dad drops hints that he isn't sold on my progress.
but I took the power. In lock up I gave them no reason to keep me away from the world.
I had dreams, and I put on such a good front. I worked the system in my favor. he had his intuition. we are blood. he knows me. he see's unresolved pain, and immaturity behind my eyes. I am not impulsive. I simply make very poor choices, then fake remorse. over and over again. and it makes me sick to think what Ive done to my self respect, and the people that have sacrificed everything for me. but its all so complicated. its so much easier to close my eyes, and forget.

let me tell you something positive.

I live with a woman who was born in 1916.

I have a room that smells like home.

I had my full servings of fruits and vegtables today,
and I am fully hydrated.

I have been given the time of day.

I can sleep in tomorow.

and the next day, and the next until college starts.

I had an interview with Dan Wieden, and have the possibility of an internship.

I love the rain. and today was beautiful and grey.

He said he misses me.

I have almost a full pack.

My lava lamp is particularly active.

I have a good book.

I have sudoku to solve.

my family cares.

I havent been caught.

I did something usuful.

my name. my hands. my mind.

my hearts still beating.

I think there is hope.

the 21st century

is gnawing at my intelligence.
which is crouched in the fetal position,
becoming more undeveloped with the advances in technology.
making my life easier. TV, myspace, Internet, cellphone, texting,
clocks, advertisements, the mall, brands, and the stupid ass lingo.
tight, rad, sick, sweet, bomb, shit, dank, fuck, cunt.
I don't need you. I don't want you in my life.
but everyday its the same thing.
and these trivial pursuits take first priority to the things I actually enjoy.

why.

So much has happend

so many people in my life,
I had forgoten. and weve changed.
we try to be our old selves.
I try to act natural.
Like we havent missed a year of eachothers lives.
there are things we dont mention.
I gained wieght. you got dumped.
He's a dad now.
and yeah... rehabs a bitch.
it tore us apart.

went from living on the streets together,
to eatting salad and pasta at the diner table with my family.
Im trying to be fair, and be boring, and true to myself.
they asked you questions, that you had to lie about.
I drank my glass of water, in the moderatly air conditioned dining room.
we didnt look at eachother. then went outside to smoke.
Somehow we seemed so much happier when we were misrable.
unshowered, starved, and high as a kite.
runaways.

but now, I have patched things up with my family,
your still a drug dealer, but your going to school now.
and we make plans to get fucked up... because its the only way we can relate.