It begins again. My gradual dissregard for anything, other than what I want.
My priorities are set low. I feel like my vision is getting narrower and narrower,
as my actions become more bold. The waiting continues, as I become more desperate for results.
Im ready to rock n roll. and I am triggering a small series of events to perpetuate the cycle.
The boy in question. The angry parents. The friends that seem to care.
slacking, and reserved I leave the house often and avoid my family.
We dont talk about it. They dont ask. but the concern in their eyes is evident.
I wait for the results from my last UA. honestly it could go either way.
Ive been moderate with my drinking. the weed was a one time thing.
but im simply testing the waters. quietly provoking the ones I love,
Into rage, so that I can be justified in my mistakes. If I can just make you hate me,
maybe I wont feel so guilty. Ive dont this a million times,
then coaxed them into false hopes that Ive changed.
that this time things will be okay. My parents know better, but my grandparents are so much more trusting. My dad drops hints that he isn't sold on my progress.
but I took the power. In lock up I gave them no reason to keep me away from the world.
I had dreams, and I put on such a good front. I worked the system in my favor. he had his intuition. we are blood. he knows me. he see's unresolved pain, and immaturity behind my eyes. I am not impulsive. I simply make very poor choices, then fake remorse. over and over again. and it makes me sick to think what Ive done to my self respect, and the people that have sacrificed everything for me. but its all so complicated. its so much easier to close my eyes, and forget.
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