cracks on the walls. cracks on the street.

Tuesday. one of those days-
you forget you should be thankful to be alive.
reminints of oxygen filtering through the smog.
You awake at noon, and the fact is elusive:

this is not your death bed.

you have 24 hours to waste and complain.
to snap at peaople who dont deserve it. to cheet and lie.

Wednesday. a day that could never come.
the story ending on page 99.
before its happy ending.

Thursday? hopes for the future.
The ending you wish would come.
rarely do you predict all your thursdays will get lost in a world of tuesdays.

I will forever be waiting, angry at life,
taking what isnt mine, and hating myself.
spending years and years of endless tuesdays.

This Tuesday I will take the bike, in fishnets and a grey coat.
with some cardboard and pack of cigarettes-
to the lynnwood transit center. I will sit on my ass,
and ask for their change. I dont have a job,
and Im not in school. Ive stole from my family, and used my friends...

yet the world is in debt to me.
and nothig is ever enough.

I havent used in three days, If I still havent by the fourth...
maybe a pact with the devil can be made.

Trees and ocean, and red red romance.
with poets, and singing angels would be nice.

But such things are left only for thursdays.

...Its mondays I cant remember.

love junkie

"will the wind, ever remember
 the names it has blown in the past?"

we all are constantly in and out of love.
forgeting and remembering. like a smell,
that takes us back to a time when things were different.

I dont think I even have anything to say.
the lusious spores of my mind are dried up,
Ive become another shallow bullshit muncher.
concerened with nothing of value.
lost in a world of myself.
such a visious world..

food coma

didnt eat all day today, all day yesterday except for a couple bites of my moms bagle.

then hunger struck me like lightning straight from jesus's asshole.
I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY.

top Romen, tuna sandwich, watermelon arizona, hot chettos, and fruit snacks.
hahahaha, it was amazing.

my first taste of anything close to happiness scince coming down.

and my body cries out,
"more, more, more, more."

you cannot experience such intense feelings of euphoria,
without falling into a sudden depression-
to find that your feelings of completeness, and carefree lust for life,
was only an artificail chemical reaction in your brain.

as the feelings wane, its like shock.
then despare. please dont let this feeling end, please dont make me go back to the way things were.

and I feel angry and betrayed. like my best freind has walked out on me.
left me with nothing. and then its like sickness. my mind spinning,
unsure why I cant feel so good all the time, and that the previous joy was a lie.
I have been robbed, I have been tricked.

Its heartbreak, falling out of love, its abandonmet from your mother,
your caretaker, its every miserable lonely feel combined into one.

Your sweating now. trying to sleep and close your eyes,
but when your eyes shut its a nightmare still intensified.

The following day-
Today...

I feel absolutly disgusted.
my actions the previous night, general fatigue,
and an intollerance for those around me.
the night before I felt tottal devotion and admiration for those around me.
Now I feel like driving a skrewdriver through my skull everytime my mother or adam opens there mouth.
I hate everyone. I want to be alone. I want more extacy. more more more extacy.
because without-
my mundane bored tick tock tick tock existance is intollerable.

life just fucking sucks.
why shouldnt I feel good all the time?

sail away on a Wave of Mutilation. given my goodbye drive my car into the ocean.

They go on bickering like children. at least adam charged my ipod, but his "fucked up attempt at dicipline" was a little immature, not to mention futile (haha come on now, Im 17 and have been to 11 lockdown correctional facilities.. haha why on earth would I listen to your bitch ass?) and my ma is no better, even though she usually has more of an arguement- its like if she had any sense she wouldnt bother trying to debate with him. I consider myself to be a little more out of the loop. I put in my headphones, and tell them not to bring me into it. Listening just makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with them... why when imersed in something it is often so hard to see the situation clearly. I wait patiently for my mother to get fed up, and leave. but she keeps fighting. keeps losing. Then they make up, he leaves her hopeful with ingenuine appologies, and a weak smile. which she sees sufficient time and time again. Love is such a cunning deciever. You can fall for anything, over and over and over again. because you just want it to be true so badly. I get it, and when the honeymoon period wheres off she always snaps, and is in a fit of self righteous "I dont need yous". so angry at being falsly led into the same trap.(its like the guy from shutter island. a big break through, then not being able to come with the break through, and forcing the mind to foget the past, and stay disscontent in the illusions that leave one comforted but ultimatly empty)  sooner or later always lapsing into the way things where. giving up. and the two of them retarded little love birds playing fall out on xbox and pretending some great headway was made. Dont get me wrong, I can tollerate adam on his own, he is an asshole but so are a lot of people. Whats erritating is the two of them together, their never ending cycle. its so predictable it seems as though they must have sever mental handicaps not to agknowlage its the same shit that has been going on for years, and nothing is going to change, without changing. one appology does nothing. the issue is obviously more complicated, and the motherfuckes simply are not compatable. but whatever. Even though my mother remains the more respecable one when dealing with her words, the noble problem solver, I think it shows much less maturity on her part for even associating with him. The chess club doesnt hang out with the special ed kids. let alone try to play chess with them. maybe my comparrison to my parents mental abilities is a little harsh, and crude. but its hard to think of any better examples. to me its just pure stupidity. an example of this bullshit, is the incident from earlier. I came home in a decent mood, still hyped up on caffine, having finished half of my college testing and feeling pretty confident about it, listening to a damn good song, and enjoying all the cute artsy boys making googly eyes in my direction on my way home from the college. I felt productive, I felt mighty fine. so I open the front door, and step inside. the house smelled like unwashed hair and cigarettes. my mother was frowning, and adam stood staring blankly into the refrigorator. I took off my coat, and said something to mom in regards to my triumphant achievment of finding my way home from the campus without getting lost. Adam turned to me holding a bag of bagles from the food bank. "Can you put these away" I looked at him in dissbelief, but assumed he was trying to be funny? like ohh, puting the bagles away was just to overwhelming and complicated for him. being two feet away from the open fridge, and the bagles in his hand. but when I laughed, left and came back he was still waiting with the bagles on the counter now. I opend the fridge, and cramed them in the second shelf. Figured id forget about it, then sat on the futon. he started freeking out, and I tuned most of the conversation out until I made my way into it. Apparently he was mad, because he had left some food and garbage on the floor, and when he asked me to put away the bagles, I also did not clean up his trash. he threw the remaining food from the floor away. and continued to argue with mom, who was calling him on his bullshit. I yelled out "I aint yo mama." still a little amused that this was even an issue. after further probing, adam told my mother that in throwing away the food he was trying to dicipline me. and my mom threw down ten fold. after that, and my favorite song over... I reluctantly stood up, put on my boots, and mossed on down to the office to use the computers. Its frustrating, when I seem to be the mature one, and my mother feels so far away when devoting all of herself to some asshole, and losing herself in such an obvious cycle. So im doing my own thing. sometimes the two of them make me chuckle. other times it repulses me. now.. its a little of both. But its 1:30 and I got nothing left to do today.Which is lame, cuz sitting at the stinky house, with two big babies is going to brew in me a very bad mood. I could go out.. but Im no good at meeting new people, Im broke, its overcast. guess the peek of my day (an uneventful trip to edmonds, two hours of testing, a brisk walk and a cigarette) wraps things up. the peek of my day winding down. what the hell do people do all day?? When I was in school, I used to look longingly out the window, and felt like their where a million better more useful ways I could be filling my time. but its lies. all lies. when you are without money, and introverted, the world doesnt have much to offer you. I dont know how to have meaningless adventures alone, or without drugs. Acid or Extacy, fuck. sitting in a room by yourself is an adventure. With someone I love, a conversation is an adventure. but this? idk, im lost.