You are not welcome here

one side of my jaw is dying.
absolutly fucking dying.
two fat ugly teeth are ripping my gums apart,
and forcing their way up-
metal fists grinding away at my soft nerves.
it hurts. it itches. it aches. it throbs.
like an ivory mangled dick of solid bone-
raping my mouth. FUCK.
make the pain stop. its spread to my entire head.
My jaw is sobbing, my brain is angry.
fuck you wisdom teeth.
go awaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

such a wild ride of events

a circulating aray of memories.
of love, and flashing lights.
an oder of pharamones, and animals thrashing.
touching one another, a never ending pit of faces,
some in fear, some in control. and the men that dance,
a look in their eyes of lust and urgency.
a smile that means nothing a smile should.
the woman the girls, the beatiful sex angels,
slipping in pools of their own saliva.

Then this calm. this beautiful warm rumbling,
as the car moves through a fortress of rain.
everything so dark. the car is my womb-
and He is my twin. our tounges form the embilical cord,
of this backseat romance.

the next a lazy awakening.
sore, and freashly born again to the old world.
a world of greasy hair, and neverending yawns.
a day to play quietly. some brief laughter breaks,
and all is well again. I curl up on his lap-
and fall asleap, a strong hand cupping my breast.

but then we always have to come home.
we always have to go back to ourselves.

*twirls in circles*

"Im in love, Im in love.. and I dont care who knows it!"

good lord this is awesome.

Its sad

that i feel so sure of myself,
so centered, and imune to riducle-
after a couple drinks.

weve been talking, and I realised...
sober! I over reacted.
I analize things so severly that they inevitably look

..Fucking terrible.

So now I dont care. its the way it should be.
when im drinking. everything is right,
and if he doesnt like me. I know its not my fault.
There is someone out there for everyone,
and I am simply not for him.

its okay.
everything feels so, Okay.
its such a relief. its so right.
This feeling, this intoxication...

its my G spot.

Is this love, is this love, is this love...

"you say you cant say anymore,
youve already said it before.. in a million different ways that were all not quite right"

-Clap your hands and say yeah

Fallen back down the rabbit hole

It just isnt fair,
To want someone so badly...
your heart dropped into a blender,
Head cast down. ashamed at the thought,
that maybe you arnt good enough.

I have found that good looks alone are only half the battle,
the rest of which I am severly lacking.
I am afraid to be myself, afraid of saying the wrong thing-
and losing the only thing I feel can make me happy.

Once I get that idea in my head,
The phantom sensation of his skin on mine.
I go mad with desire. I want to know him inside out,
and bath in his smiles. I cannot have anyone else.

I want no food, no sleep, no destractions-
from this strange obsession with a stranger.

Is there any way of talking myself out of this?
Lust is a deaf, unreasonable charecter.
And although I try to calm myself,
there is a panting bitch inside of me,
who has spotted her ideal mate.
The strongest of the pack.

But he seems to have cast her aside.
She is a pup. he is 22. she has nothing.
He has it all figured out.

Now im scared, that maybe I should just hide.
meeting him once, five days ago, I feel like their is to much unesiccary emotion attached-
for it to ever work out. The stress level is to high, my eyes would dark from side to side.

Make it fun. lose expectations.
The fear of abandonment is at root.
need to cut the tree from the ground,
so that I may be free...

I hate my mother.
I hate how weak she is. How sick, and wrong, and lost, and cruel, and sad, and,
such a fucking sadistic manipulative bitch.

I hate that whatching her life spiral out of control-
feels like a flash into the future of my own.

I cannot argue with her because its like argueing with myself.
Mothers shouldnt tell their daughters the things she does.

and she plays the victem constantly. like im wronging her,
its my fault, she is inoccent. but im supposed to be the fucking kid.
grow up, bitch! you feel like a falure of a parent because you are.

The brief times when you are calm, supportive, and stable...
if you dont see the payoffs you give up.
switch back to this additure where their is no way to reason with you.
you are on constant defense.
I dont feel safe with you. emotionally you are more fucked up than I am.

But I feel guilty because she has cancer.
my mother could die, and this would be the last of it.
When I get mad I think unspeakable things.
I think how much easier, and less painful my life might be...
if she wasnt in it. :/

If I wasnt in my life.
If everyone could just die.