mission sabotage is in motion.
How can invisible feelings feel like unbreakable shackles?

To end this

And of course Im head over heals for him,

He is the epidemy of anything Ive ever admired in someone.
I feel like a monster besides his radiance his selflessness and eagerness to please.
He deserves an angel of grace not deceit. But arnt we all human,
Harboring our infantile needs and first pounding tantrums.
Looking back I'll wish I hadnt made things so painfuly difficult.
Just relaxed and take love for what its worth and return it. let myself be happy,
But I wouldn't be this way if it felt like a choice.
I think I'll always be more or less alone.
Ive become accustomed to him seeing my vulnerable side,
Its my ugly side Im trying to shield him from.
The one with the broken heart is never at fault.
So Im learning. What im doing is rotting my heart from the inside out,
where as he might feel some mild bruising.
there is no pain like inflicting pain,
on someone you love.
maybe this is a manifestation of self loathing.
I have an addiction to hurting myself.

my fatal flaw

All Ive wanted, was to be loved fully,
Had my flaws accepted and overlooked.
But its making me angry, its making me scared.
The things I dislike in myself I cannot fathom
Why he could tolerate them, love them as a part of me.
Makes me squirm and itch. want to retreat.
I cant handle loving and not being loved back,
But neither can I handle loving and being loved back in return.
Its involuntary, so I'm letting it run its course.
nothing is ever ideal, no person is perfect...
and emotions run high no matter how good someone is at hiding it.
We are all the same massive ball  of tears,
Sad baby's laughing because we think somethings supposed to be funny.
holding onto that brief moment of unity,
when everyone in the room is making the same sound.

Jesse
Taylor
Alex
Doug
Ben
Skyler
Angelo
Steve
David
Louise
Clayton
Alex
Jeremy
Damon

yadayadayadaaa

If I make things to complicated, am I sabotoging happiness or revealing parts of myself that are going to surface later anyways.. If anything I think weve both learned something. Both on this crucial hunt for love. Someone who gets us, accepts our flaws.  But found out that we wernt ready. You, for whatever reason. fear probubly. old wounds.  And me, for to many reasons to list. My main draw back aside from the obvious fear of hurt, rejection, vulnerability ect. Is feeling uncomfortable BEING loved.  and that intense emotion can bring out the worste in people. I always mean well, but to protect myself I can be prone to hurting others. being insensitive, and at the slightest hint of rejection from the otherperson I can spiral into insecurity and guard myself so deffensivly. When we had plans to hang out and rent a movie, and you didnt call or come home till 1am I was hurt. thought you were trying to send the message that you didnt want to spend time with me. I felt dissregarded. Felt an enevidable heartbreak coming so I was passive agressive in not saying how I felt and told you I thought you should leave. I think if Im suited for anyone romanticly its you, because you knew how to coax me out of my anxiety, my anger and was patient enough to hear me out. Im reluctant though because that isnt fair to you. You deserve someone who treats you better, and I make things more complicated than whats enjoyable to deal with. I am an incredibly loving, devoted, smart, funny, adventurous person but love unleashes my demons. And even when things are good, the stress of losing the person I care for is enough to drain me.  Everyone deals with this shit, but it consumes me. I make this mistake everytime. And see the parelel between how I respond to love, and the way Ive seen my mom deal with all her relationships. the abuse, and manipulation ive hated, but internalized. Need to unlearn. Self doubt holds me back, undervalueing myself and putting others on a pedestal.  Things Ive known for a year now, but have struggled to change. Invulenatrily relying on anyone who gives me the warm fuzzy feelings then having my world crash down when they dont meet me insane expectations and constant reassurance. But being in healthy relationship is something I need to work on because I crave companionship. I can be happy alone, but lonely Im sure. I want to get married someday, die with someone whos a part of my soul. but I dont want it to be miserable, hate fueled, and bitter. Ending up with someone like my moms boyfriend who treats me like shit but who I stay with because dissfunction is all I know. How to love yourself, and love others healthily? Do I go thru the motions with Jeremy, not acting on my insecurities, and remaining somewhat distant. 

I was going to write something meaningful,
but im so hungry, id rather go home and eat something.

roll down a grassy hill,


with me in the summertime fun,

shinning on our leather boots.

hold my chin in your palm,

and see the fear in my eyes.

to fall in love. to be a bee

who misstook you for a flower.

change the inferno of my cheecks,

to a blazing sun that warms your own.

i dont want to be this way forever,

to want but never have.

a day in the sun with you because i am

crying sometimes and the self cut scars

on my arms dont lie cookie cut chunks of a lost soul

Im a mess

but im human and i want you.

if youll have me.

if your okay with scilence,

and can see beauty in how hard i try

to be loved by you. its a sickness like

retrived tummy juices

you turn to me and i see only love.

i see your smile in the feilds of green.

I see your mouth on the tips of trees,

and i love the feet inside your boots.

My muse, their will be others.

but for now, if we cannot speak..

take off my clothes and pretend you feel the same,

and for a second your embrase can ease the pain of sepratness.