new focus

doug has lost power over me.
I want nothing to do with him.

these relationships im in have
NOTHING to do with the other person.
I dont think I give a fuck about a single human being.
I just dont want to be lonely. and that makes me feel awful.
I only use people. and I dont play it well.

my impulses tell me to bail.
I want to hide from everyone.
I feel transparent, my face only a dirty window-
looking into anxiety. I hate myself.
I hate the veiw I see looking in or out.
I get wierd. I fear people so much.
and I know Im not the person Im trying to be.
I have to much hesitance, but naturaully I have no social grace.
I would rather sit and say nothing, than take a chance at rejection.
I brag to make myself seem like the things I do are okay.
skipped school today to drop acid with some kids I hardly know.
half way though i kept feeling like they were judging me,
and didnt want me there anymore. so i shut down.
I couldnt look anyone in the eye. I couldnt get comforatble.
didnt know who to talk to. where my place was.
my hair was greasy, and everything just felt wrong.
Im weak, and cannot stand up. Im just doing the same shit over and over,
waiting for it to get better. waiting to feel okay around people.

now what

turn the computer off. get some water.
eat chocolate. come down stairs.
lay on the couch. fall asleap to tv.
wake up and call annie for a ride.
fix my hair. get smoked out by raven and monty.
do whatever the fuck i feel like.
dont hold back. but keep heart cold,
under lock and key.

same shit different post. I promise ill get over this soon.

your lurking in my deepest regrets,
seeped into the bloodstream,
of putrid memories.
you lied. and its poisoning.
were fucking sick. I love to much, and you seem incapable.
Its amazing how fast you snapped.
Stopped being the dog and turned into a wolf.
wanting meat. to shred and hold between your teeth.
you taste not, only enjoying the sent of pain.
There are things now that make me cringe.
The flickers of detachment I saw in you.
putting your hand against my throat,
like choking me was the best way to get you off.
Abusing power, my absolute willingness to do anything for you.
then switching back to this nerdy imature demenoure.
like you could have been so weak and insecure.
Now she has her hand on your chest.
and you look like one cocky mother fucker.                       but im trying to moving on.
The wolves come out at night,                                        its some awful process,
The wolves come out at night.                                        yet neccisary. this hurt.
out to kill. out to fuck.                                                                      but its normal to hurt.
leaving one feeling                                                                       I can recall the sweet things he said..
worthless.                            I can forgive                   and tell myself they can still be true    
 degraded.                                     move on                               It wasnt just a ploy. and all  bloodied.                                                                                 trouble he went through, all the lies without                                                                                        was an amazing effort-
hope.                                                                                                 all just to get inside me.
                                                                                                    he thought i was special in one way.
                                                                                                            even if that was all.
I wonder if he misses me.

ohh god.

trying so hard not to be a crazy bitch.
not to call.

what the fuck is your problem?

had a dream I was making out with a boy,
and he threw up in my mouth.
I spit it out all over his shirt, and he got angry with me.
like I should have swallowed it. I felt sick.