this

It is 5 in the morning. After it hit 4:30, I decided Id be better off making instant coffee and getting an early start on Tuesday. The current state of my life is pleasant but bleak. I am in limbo, as always but my life seems to be moving somewhere. wherethere it be an illusion of the senses- or actual progress is beyond me. Like standing on sand when the tide is going back out. you feel like the ground is shifting below you. Well this coffee is shit. Its way to hot, flavorless, a pale milky color inside a glass jar. The great thing about my life is freedom. I can do whatever I please, I wake up in the late afternoon- attend to my ego, with make up, and clothes, usually to the pixies. check the mirror a few thousand times. Then leave the prison of my home. this studio appartment. Where adam frowns all the time, and my mother franticly eats carrots. all the time. They never leave, and have created an entire world in this tiny space. Even in the scilence you can feel enormous tension. Today was stupid. The world leaves me so dissatisfied. When I am not the person society wants me to be, its just dirty looks and scoffs. in a flannel smoking a cigarette beside a building- I get sympathetic glances from old ladies. Or  men.. Some people ignore me. Some stare. A giant field of comunication in four seconds of eye contact. I notice these things.  and feel so apart from the world. There must be people like me, blended into the crowd. But they are so hard to find, in piles of duchebags. piles and piles of duchebags. So ive decided to be my own best friend. I agree with myself about most things. I have good taste in music. sense of humor. I make the perfect best friend. just sometimes I forget im here. To others I am a person- to me I am a vessel for experiencing the things around me. and I think ALL the time. single sentance thoughts. every second a different sentance. An insecurity to combat. An anxiety. A dissaproval. A very brief aproval. A desprate search for a solution. Get a fucking job. and get a fucking appartment. and move the fuck out of here. Find a companion. some stability. My quest for love is impossible. but I know when it comes, it will be the right time. I just need to trust the universe, and the fact that so far everything has fallen into place. Nothing is perfect, but it isnt suposed to be. I look back on my time in portland. sleeping under a bridge. snorting coke on the bathroom floor. the glorious date rape. feeling so crushed, and lost I could have desinagrated into dust. It was sickening- but taught me so much. Im glad I was never happy, im glad I never fit in. because that isnt where I wantto be happy, and those arnt the people I want to fit in with. I am fortunate to be alive, and miraculously kept safe through all of it. These events bettered me, made me strong. Because in order to be strong you must first be weak. You fight, and kick, and scream your way back to the person your ment to be. I was born a seed. My enviornmet shapes the growth of my branches, but the will to survive was passed down from light, energy, matter. It is anchient. Keeping my mental health in good condition is most important. Setting boundries. unconditional self love. and activly impressing no one.