its like trying to keep myself from falling asleap. falling in general.
Maybe it has nothing to do with you- your habits, or personality, or looks.
Im just tierd, and the sound of your voice is reassuring.
I catch myself nodding off, entering a sweet dream.




Awake slowly to find you rambling on about yourself-
and I rub my eyes and pretend to have been listening.
I do not want to love you, because you do not love me.


I need someone as complicated, and engaging as myself.
somone who can sit with scilence. who is dark and warm, and sleepy.
Speaks sternly and thinks in poems. This is not matched by steve.


He is not my soul mate. Not my perfect fit.
So I struggle to keep my feelings calm.
from spilling around me. keeping love far far away.


And today blurred the lines. Anxiety shot through me-
Like a knife ripping through silk.


I think he could tell, we are intune with eachother.
can tell subtle differences in eachothers mood or responses.


He said something that made love sprout inside of me in every direction.
a painful yearning love. and I fucking paniced.
I tried to pull back, and stiffle my heart.


but anything said other than "I am falling terribly inlove with you"
was ingenuine and obviously a front.
I said things that were strangly defensive. my pause was to long.


I reacted like a threatened animal.


But this is my kind of love.
After a good night sleep I can force myself back into indifference.
I can convince myself I dont care. Stay patient, and flirtatious.
Lose this sense of urgency and fear.