you stole my only chance of happiness.
I had the picture in my head, of how it would be.
you could have been my best friend.

I just want you back

treat me like shit.
you were never rough enough.
I need someone who can handle abuse.
I cant do this on my own, and i cant sit still without pain.
I need sorrw to fill absence. like an emotional cutter.
beat the shit out of me. degrade me.
just take me back. I dont care.
im drink enough to tell you,
if only you would call.
wish i could cry.
no one understands what I have to go through each day.
the knawing dog, cracking the bones of my serenity.
I cannot do anything. I do not exist.
I need harder drugs. honestly,
I dont give a fuck. nothings working,
and this feeling will never pass.
this is my entire life, in one moment.
unbarable, and addicted to the feeling of being wanted.
unable to get drunk or high enough to forget.
petrified to call. tail between the legs.
bent over, ready to be used.
out of tears. to high to be alone.
disgusted with myself.
so lost.

have your fun

with the only place I can be hurt.
I crawl twords the one thing Ive got.
the only thing that seems satisfying.
I kissed him thinking it would mean recovery.
mean that it didnt matter, what you did.
but it still hurts. the kiss wasnt the same.
as the slow motion, of falling for someone I thought mattered.
you had me in a bliss, a darkness crying throught the trees.
like a salty romance, that felt so absolutly right.
I could have been there for the rest of my life. because Im afraid of anthing else.
other guys make me miss you. they dont talk like you. think like you. hold me the way you did.
so thats it. hu? thats all we were. its an invasion of my sacred place.
my cell of love members. that clung to you like water on skin. you killed me.
and I dont know why this always seems to be the case. only strengthens my feelings-
of only being good for a fuck. It wasnt that hard, you didnt have to twist my emotions,
into a fucking wreckage just to get into my pants. you men make it a fucking art form,
the way you can so easily manipulate to get what you want.
did you like me in the palm of your hand? only to drop me like a roach,
your to high to smoke. I hate you. I hate what youve dont to me.
but I would do anything to have that feeling again.
Im a sick puppy. I cant help but love to strongly.
but im just a girl, Im so inexperienced with these things.
I can make your eyes roll to the back of your head,
but cant make you stick around. your friends give you high fives?
you tell them how sad I became. but what a good fuck.
how you hurt me, walked away and never looked back.
the thing is, your back on the search.
In my desperation, my fucking cluelessness for how someone could hurt so effortlessly,
i saw. youve been hitting up other girls. flirtatious little facebook comments.
they have no idea, what a complete asshole you are. and it makes me wonder,
if this is your soul source of action. no interst in love...
but you play it so well.

ANGER

FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUUU.
DONT FUCKING GET INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP IF YOUR NOT READY. YOU MESSED WITH MY HEAD AND MADE ME THINK THAT I MENT SOMETHING TO YOU. BUT YOUR JUST A FUCKN PUSSSYYYYY. IVE TURNED GUYS DOWN, THINKING THERE WAS SOME KIND OF HOPE WITH US. IVE BEEN FAITHFUL, AND PATIENT. AND YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. YOU DONT CARE. YOU DONT WANT TO SEE ME. NOW THAT SEX IS OUT OF THE PICTURE THIS IS THE LONGEST YOUVE GONE WITHOUT CALLING. WHY YOU GOTTA BE SUCH A FUCKN DUCHE?

its humiliating. to be that girl.
who gets to attached. and cant keep her cool.
cant play my cards right, and have some self control.
when I love, it is fully and passionate.
I cant slow down, even if what we have is just in my head.
because YOUU dont actually exist, do you?
that which I crave from you is only an illusion ive created.
you were a template. I saw a future. the person I wanted you to be.
The way I wanted you to make me feel. but it aint like that.
dont people know how fucking sensitive I am?
how easily hurt?? cant you give me a break.
I hate hurting. Its so disgusting.
I cant sit still. but have no motivation to move.
i just want to lie here and hate myself.
hate you. hate. hate. hate. errbody. errything.
cuz its all just one big trap to fuck you over.
guess in the end thats all it is. but its the good stuff that counts.
the blissful periods inbetween the suffering. but those good times,
are what makes the downfall so painful. remebering. wishing.
then meeting reality. spitting in its face. and falling to your knees.
no way to win with this one.

you make me wanna

throw up. stab someone in the face. sit in the dark. paint it black. eat garbage. post millions of blogs. be alone. sulk. punch things. scream. smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. get really high. avoid romance movies. kill things. listen to wilco. yell at puppies. rip things. bite things. cry. whatch a marathon of bush speaches. write letters in blood. pull my hair out. burn your shorts. wear your shorts. cry in your shorts. have sex with someone else while in your shorts. eat bacon. throw up again, I hate bacon. call my mom. spend hours on facebook. check your status repeatedly. do acid. give myself brain damage. drink bleach. drink whiskey. play the same song over and over. even though I know it only makes things worse. beat myself up. not look in the mirror. try sleeping. tell myself its going to be alright. not believe it. wait for a call. stay up to late. sleep all day. not get out of bed. whatch to much tv. get sick of tv. miss you. hate everything. push people away. harbor serious trust issues.

I fucking hate

sleeping alone.
its the worste.
I have to get high just so I can stand the lonliness.


so fucking neurotic.
haha. im a mess.

its not all bad, I swear.

I just focus on the negative.