keeping things simple is key.
complexities rattle my brain.
my emotions kick my ass.
my anxiety flares up like arthritis,
and i am incapable of movement.

its not as real as it could be.
but its getting there. its more real than a lot of things.

and Im at a loss for what to say becuase my main focus has become a single soul.

he is not in a position to love. i know he is considering it.
but he has found somewhere he thrives.
and thats wonderful. obviously where he is suposed to be in life.
at this juncture. so im happy i have a friend.
who loves me. in certian ways.
we will see where it goes.

but im not putting my life on hault.
not interested in other boys at the moment.
what i should be doing.

simply focus on what feels right. what feels right.

what does feel right?

now. cigarette.

yep

2:24amit's funny because I do actually have a pretty regimented plan for tomorrow.2:25amwell then maybe im dissalined with the stars. that doesnt apply to me at all..2:25am*yet.2:25amor im like the ultimate aries- because I really dont have any plans.2:25amhahayou're so ultimate you defy astrology!.2:26amwell the astrologer(?) is kind of dissing on all the other aries. like "your an aries your suposed to be free" but I am free- so im the ultimate aries :)theres my logic.2:27amMakese sense.2:28amcrack fox :))like stealer.2:28amblarb.2:28amno worries.2:29amsighI miss you already!Stop being so awesome.2:29amkay, ill start saying really lame things.starting now.2:29amwait that's my job.2:30amnope, to awesome. cant do it :)your job is to say lame things?!.2:30amsometime.2:30amdissagreeyour you. thats not lame.and you have an excellent vocabulary..2:31amI really do.2:31amjust saying..2:31amI don't even know where I got it lolI just really like being very specific with my words :].2:32amits impressive.its GUUD.2:32am:DI figure there's all sorts of wonderful words out there, might as well use them :].2:33amI agree. and its easier to get your point across when you can be articulate about it. i just cant fucking spell..2:34amlolit's ok, I can't write..2:34amI cant walk.2:34amWere it not for the keyboard, I don't think I'd ever communicate XD.2:34amhahahaI like to writeI like to typeI like to talk most of the timedepending on who it is.2:36amWe'd be the perfect stereotypical married couple with a white picket fence. You'd do the talking on the fone and the xmas cards, and I'd do the socializing over the fences.and/or bbq pool party jokesjust sayin.2:37amhahaha. okay. in 20 years. we'll do it. and then get funky in the nursing home.2:37amWooo!.2:38amyou can switch from thizz to viagra!and ill massage your pressure points:p.2:38amXD.2:39amthat sounds really gross next to viagra and nursing homes.but i will be a good sport. :o.2:39amlolalright, I gotta get off the computatorneed sleeps.2:42amnighttt.2:42am<3 you and will hopefully see you tomorrowDon't forget the glow sticks :3.2:42amkk, ill keep glow sticks handyxoxoxo.2:43am:]night.2:43am

10:37pmthere's no disadvantage in warm fuzzy feelings :P10:41pmdisadvantage*


aha

umm, idk what to say then

guess ill let it go10:44pmI do really like spending time with you, cuddling you, kissing you, being with you, doing x rated things with you and all that fun stuff, but here's where I'm at.

I am REALLY in to this whole rave scene right now, and I really enjoy doing the things I do at raves, which includes making out with random people and flirting with everyone and sometimes even hooking up in the back of my besties car :P

I can't do these kinds of things if I'm in a relationship (no matter what form that takes), it's rude disrespectul and it'd just end up with everybody hurt.

As for my feelings for you, I think you're awesome and fun, down to earth and really open minded, all of which are things I find attractive :]

So I feel like we're great for eachother as friends with makeouts or whatever we want to call it, but I'm not looking/wanting to be anything more then that right now.10:45pmgood. thank you.10:45pmSorry that took so long >.<10:45pmas long as i know where your at with things- then im fine

ive just been hurt a lot so i need to know these things, so i can put restraints on how much of myself i give up

that really sucks that your so consumed with raving, at least on my part. but its understandable so i can respect that.

its kinda sad, cuz if i like someone they become the apple of my eye. and im extreemly loyal. you seem to have intrests all over the place.10:49pmI live too much in the moment is the problem10:49pmnot a problem

road block for certian things. but not bad.

its wierd tho. it seems like a real and consistant relationship would be more satisfying than the alternative. but your a dude, and thats what most dudes do. 10:52pmI agree that a real and consistant one is WAY better.

But I've been doing that since I was 15. I'm sick of it.10:53pmthen maybe you just havent found your special someone. in the mean time im happy to be your friend. whatever we have is fine and your free to do as you please.

then this is probubly something you need to go thru

i JUST got done with that phase, and find it disgusting. your obvioulsy not there yet :p11:03pmidk like

I feel like if I was in a relationship right now it'd have to be a super casual one, and I don't want that with you... like if we're going to be together then I want to be TOGETHER. You're not the kind of girl I could just like... 'date'. You know?

And I'd rather put it off and have a shot at a longer term thing then try and do something now and have it just crumble and fail.11:07pm I agree with you completly.

so all is well, im glad we talked about it

basicly we both do whatever feels right. if we grow together or grow apart its all part of life rich tapistry :D11:10pmSounds perfect <311:10pmto quote some boosh :p

happy 11:11

btw 11:11pmYay! cheer11:12pmi wish for a cigarette brb11:12pmgood luck!11:18pmback

success11:19pmomg I'm listening to an amazing SuperK mix11:21pmcecily just explained to me what the is

that*11:21pmoh lol you could have just asked me XD11:21pmtoday was the first time i had heard of it

she metioned it, and i was tottaly lost, so she enlightened me :)11:22pm:]11:22pmIM listening to the shins11:23pm:D11:24pmI thought i was burnt out. but havent listened to them in like 24 hours- so im back :D11:24pmXD11:26pmthey fit my life, so its a good soundtrack.11:26pmI'm listening to happy hardcore remixed Limp Bizkit11:27pmlimp biskit?!11:27pmYeah11:27pmohh my!

is it good?11:27pmIt's... ok

I like the lyrics, and the music doesn't sound like limp bizkit so it's good :D11:29pm:)11:40pmcant possibly be as awesome as THIS song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lswckcEAqd811:41pmhttp://downloads.superk.dj/Jim%20Green%20-%20Ice%20Cream%20Monster%20(2010-01-23)%20(320kbps).mp3

fuck dat noise

:P11:44pmWHAAAAT

no hambergurs and hot dogs? :p11:44pmno11:44pmand yea, thats pretty sick.

but its sow awesome.11:45pmI gotta go grab my dose for tomorrow, Ill be back in 1511:46pmkk

it had to of made you giggle11:46pmI thought about giggling

I almost made it to culmination

but I premature "that's fucking stupid"ated11:47pmok, fair enough

ASS11:47pmOK BRB

<3333333333333311:48pm<3

well-

I guess I dont write much when happy.
Not that there isnt anything to say-

But my urge is gone.
I would rather do silly things.
do things akin to butterflies, and rollercoasters.

giant bright things in the sky.
"what is that foriegn object?!"

its unstoppable. its running its course.
its adrenaline pumping. a hungry release.

when my body is pressed joyously into his-
and my hormones are going baserk.

its a downsize, from dirty, sexy, fith.

to overwhelmingly cute.

just. so. fucking. cute.

will add responses later today via EDIT button

Trying to create yourself makes you stray father from who you really are.


The things you want to change, the way you want to talk, look, and act.

The way you want to be seen is like a dirty love affair with the person you are not.

But the human carrying these longings, that is you. searching and insecure.

You find them and make friends. find beauty in the way you have been.

your manorisms, your essence that is unlike any other.

Your body produces pharamones. you own sent. allow this to match your exterrior.



then something wonderful happends.



its hope. and self respect. and contentment.

its many things. all great things.



I stated that we dont create who we are, we fall into it. This is something that I've intentionally changed in my brain. I've come to the conclusion inside myself that...

The creation of who we are doenst have to be something that is thought out and planned. And what it boils down to, in my opinion, is a prefrence in termonology. I prefer to say I create as I go, for the sake of being in control. If I were to say that I'm simply discovering, than, in my head, it tells me that who I am is already pre-determined. I would hate to live my life like that. I would feel as if the road I'm to travel has already been marked out for me, when really, I wish to blaze my own path.



My skeleton and skin, and my brain, also I suppose, are more than just a carrying vessel. They're the glue that holds everything together. They somehow intertwine who I am, who I'm not, and how I wish I was. Instead of a dirty love affair, it becomes a dirty three some. And I suppose that in desperate times, one could look in my eyes, and see a warped understanding of the world, because of the clashing and meshing of these three things. However, when how I wish I was merges with who I am, than I create another aspect of who I am not. And in this I find harmony. I've just created a better understanding, right?



As far as pharamones and essence and my own scent are concerned, (I'm going to approach this as if I was an animal, lol and I have no idea how pharamones scientifically work in your body, but in my head right now, this all will make sense lol) I think I have control over those too. To a certain extent, obviously my essence (my personality, my likes and dislikes, my characteristics of spirit, NOT BODY) were determined at a young age. But only the base is still present in my brain today. For example, when I was younger, I played with barbies. I LOVED my barbies! Everytime I played with them, I became over cheerful, and gave off an incredibly happy vibe. Now, I fuckin hate those things. I hate what they unintentionally potentially teach to young girls. They disgust me. Im sure that looking at one today, I would give off a different vibe.

My point of all this, is that likes and dislikes in people change on a daily basis. There is no such thing as a consistant essence, or an unchanging deffinition of who we are. It not something that ever stops progressing. I create as I go.



we break our own hearts. insanely true.

but heart break is part of the beauty of life.



But as with coloring-

as long as you are happy, scribble the fuck out of that page.

in the end a nicely colored one will amount to nothing.

its the process of expression that matters.

OK, a lot of things in life are beautiful. Heartbreak, is NOT one of them. What is pretty about crying endlessly, or feeling like youre drowing everytime you try to breathe deep? Uhh, no thank you! I will agree however that the lessons learned from heartbreak are priceless. And in order to learn and grow as humans, we must experience emotional pain.



A responce to the next paragraph will have to be given at a different time, I need extra time to process this.



you have to find it all on your own. no one can help you.

you have to take a deep breath and discover whats out there to be taken.

if you follow your heart, and are in the right place it will not dissapoint.



Are you sure? What if following your heart mean defying your brain. Or lets say, youre in the right place, like Rosemont, and youre heart tells you to run.

Everyone needs help in life.

And finding fulfillment, takes luck.

:) respose to makenna-

We dont create who we are. We fall into it. We dont shape our existance, we just simply adjust our molds. Eventually we all fall out of our fear. I hope. It's not hard to imagine a life without hope. We struggle through the random nonsense, only to emerge to an even foggier outcome. I am not happy.



Trying to create yourself makes you stray father from who you really are.
The things you want to change, the way you want to talk, look, and act.
The way you want to be seen is like a dirty love affair with the person you are not.
But the human carrying these longings, that is you. searching and insecure.
You find them and make friends. find beauty in the way you have been.
your manorisms, your essence that is unlike any other.
Your body produces pharamones. you own sent. allow this to match your exterrior.

then something wonderful happends.

its hope. and self respect. and contentment.
its many things. all great things.



We pretend we wont float-- We pretend we cant fly. We break our own hearts, really it's true. There's not really much of a difference between who I was born as, and who I will die as. Life is like an uncolored coloring page, laziness brings about scribbles. Scribbles just muddy the outcome... And this is disapointment. You understand right, dont you? Should I make more of an effort to dumb down my excessive mind wanderings?

we break our own hearts. insanely true.
but heart break is part of the beauty of life.

But as with coloring-
as long as you are happy, scribble the fuck out of that page.
in the end a nicely colored one will amount to nothing.
its the process of expression that matters.






This is disapointment, All of it.

you have to find it all on your own. no one can help you.
you have to take a deep breath and discover whats out there to be taken.
if you follow your heart, and are in the right place it will not dissapoint.


I dont want to fight for happiness anymore, I dont want to fight at all.


But We will, I know We will.

inching closer

My face has permantly molded into a smile.
The universe loves me, my pain has finaly warn off-
Like a sickly drunk sober. This feeling is new.
I respect myself. I love myself. mildly...
and its okay if time doent pass a million miles per second.
If he doesnt respond the way I like. I have been taught something.

The way I deserve to be treated. The power I hold inside.
I am far from an object. far from stupid.

I am much to wonderful to associate with people who mock my value.

Do not dissobey your queen.

Your gunna fall out of the balcony-
containing my thought.

I cover my eyes, plug my ears.
close my legs. I try to sew my mouth shut.

"I love yous" are erupting.
starting in my chest, you look at me-

and thats it. the earthquake rumbles.
My tounge trembles. the stiches begin to tear.

dont say it. dont think it. dont believe it.

but my biology is changing. organs rearanging.

I think I love you.

I think things are happening inside of you to.
and when we walk down the street, men stare.
I am a magnet of attraction. and all yours.

put me in a little box, to do as you wish.
I trust you not to waste. I am yours.

"your so pretty when your unfaithful to me"

I think I am simultaniously the vainest, and most insecure person I have ever met.
Even though I have never met myself-
I sure look in the mirror a lot. And have many inside the head arguements.

Someone I connect with.
Drugs where on the opposite side of my mind,
a little flicker of an idea- with no meaning.
I was content to sit on the bus holding his hand,
and being made to smile. made to laugh.
and be kissed. and be kissed while smiling.

The Shins will always remind me of him.
coming home, and reading his text-
I miss you already.

laying on my bed, out of my body.
100% sober. is that possible?
I could be sober, and happy.

spending an evening with a very sweet boy,
having done nothing but kissed softly,
coming home to take a bath,
and listen to the Shins.

no title.

my nose is close to the leaves,
foreging on my hands and knees.
searching for something real.

Im glad. because I have learned the things to avoid.
what tastes bad. the sour beettles. the debree with no nutrients.

I thought thats all there was to eat.
until I found something very sweet.

and I realised something. wonderfully tall and grand.
I fell upward. I laughed backwards. I sang into nothing.

my mouth was made to be fed sweet things.

mmm. bliss

the last week

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/photo.php?fbid=1628904855986&set=a.1537638454383.76385.1637524564

this is a picture of where I slept friday night with a guy named MOB.
I had gone to this underground rave, and had a shit time after only taking half a tab of E.

But I had been ridiculously excited to see Luvr.
(the guy I told you a couple weeks ago I really liked. well we ended up meeting up at Jingle Bomb-
and he said I could stay at his house for a while. There is no way to describe how calm and safe I felt around him. he asked me if I was ready to go, and I said yes. So he grabbed my hand, and we walked in the rain to his friends car. Our highs were in sync, I had taken seven thizz pills, him only two. but we were both winding down and enjoying the calm. in the car we layed under this green fuzzy blanket, and talked for hours. I could talk to him about anything. and when our mouths met, it was fuckn euphoric. We fooled around in the backseat for a while, dropped Sugar Rush off, then went to his house. I stayed three days, where the two of us did nothing but whatch  ren and stimpy, play xbox, take naps, cuddle, and fuck, we would stay up till 5 in the morning talking. on day three he gave me some bus money and i went home)

Then like last wed I had gone down town on my to find something to do.
I met some street kids who SEEMED cool, and I agreed to shroom with them.
horrible idea. by the end of the night I was so useless I could barely talk.
I couldnt think. I was scared, and was getting ambushed by guys trying to get me to go with them places.
people kept touching me. Domo the guy I was with was getting very possesive and wouldnt leave me alone.

I ran into Angelo, who I fucked a couple weeks before.
I looked at him with disgust, then hated myself for ever having anything to do with him.
Im so much better than that. then all of this.

So I called Luvr (steve)
and he talked me through it. he gave me directions to get home,
and said he knew I could do it. I was starting to feel better,
then Domo came looking for me and I told him I was leaving.

he left, and i stayed on the phone with steve for a bit until i found my bus.
My step dad picked me up insted, and we talked the whole drive home.
I told him I hated myself. I hated everyone I knew. and drugs weren't keeping me happy anymore.
we drove around in circles, and he talked me through it. said i could always confined in him.
with my anxiety gone, I could get back to enjoying my trip. my body high bounced back.

then I went home, and my mom started crying and said we needed some house rules.
i agreed, then we whatched Zack and Miri make a porno, and I ate like 500 pizza pockets.

so back to the underground rave. I didnt understand when steve was being so stand offish.
MOB was all over me, and i really wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
it made me mad, cuz without steve with me i was alone-
and a target for gross horney manipulative assholes.
Id try to go up and talk to steve, but he was being very strange.
I asked him if I could get a ride close to Lynnwood and he said the car was full,
so I was like "alright Im just gunna go" and of course MOB tagged along.
the whole walk home he fed me little put downs, and lies.

saying Luvr thought I wasnt pretty enough, or he didnt even care that I was at the rave.
but MOB cared about me a lot and thought I was beautiful.

we found a place to squat, and MOB touched me in all the wrong places.
and It felt horrible, and I just wanted steve. MOB was 19,
and was recently released from prison for murder (self defense)
he was bi, and had fucked guys. so why the hell did I let him take off the condom.

because he wasn't finishing fast enough and I just wanted it to be over.
In the moring we were woken up by a bunch of homeless men,
who said there was some free feed at jack in the box.

When I saw MOB in the cold light, I wanted to puke.
green slime collected at the corners of his eyes.
gross hairs poped up around his chin.
his hair was greasy. I was angry.
at myself, but mostly at steve for letting me leave with him.


I told him I was going home to shower and sleep, and would meet up with him to spange later,
so we could both get in to happy chronica. he decided he wanted to stay with me,
and bus to Lynnwood and wait outside by the TC for me to be done.
I said no he should just go home. he seemed aware that my plan to go home was a ploy to get rid of him.

It was really off putting that he knew I wanted him gone, and was still resisting.
so I told him I was taking a different 511 bus to my house without him.
he said "Wait! give me a hug first!"
like... WTFFFFFFF. leave me alone.

So I got myself home. my legs were sore. in between was bleeding from to much sex.
I ate some mac n cheese, then got online and talked to Steve. this was saterday.
we made plans to meet at chronica. I took a bath, and got dressed up.

MOB was texting me and calling me obsessively.
I got dressed up in a skirt and fishnets and black and pink strapless shirt.
bussed downtown, and spanged 25 dollars. holding a sign that said "hugs for a dollar"
outside I met up with Epic. hung out for a bit then paid and went in to the rave.
it was at the ORB and fucking spectacular. a really big dirty old building.
graffiti everywhere, doors ripped off, giant ceilings. Lights and two separate dance rooms.

Dwayne and his fat drug friend came up to me franticly.
"are you gunna kick it with us tonight, you want pills? Ill give you pills, can you come outside with me? im not a wierdo or anything, I just want to fuck you so bad. do you want pills?"

so he gave me three extacy pills.
I went to another room. some really tall guy high out of his mind comes and dances by me.
his name is yawn, im peaches. he attacks my face with his mouth out of nowhere.
I ask if he knows where I can get extacy, looking all young and stupid.
he smiles and grabs my hand and leads me to another room.
the dealer asks me how many I want to buy, I say I have no money.
the dealer says he cant, then yawn gives him this awful look.

and I wonder how it is that guys think I am so fucking stupid. The look said this..
"please give this chick a tab of E so she will get high enough to fuck me"
and the dealer rolled his eyes, and gave me a pill. Yawn mouthed thank you.

but Im sneaky. I left yawn and found Luvr.

I realised that the reason he avoids me at raves, is because we both come to forget ourselves.
but the last time I stayed with him we made ourselves vulnerable. we shared truths with eachother.
So this time-
 when I saw him and we kissed. it wasnt a rave kiss. we didnt smile.
it was slow, and passionate, and the look in his eyes afterwards explained everything.

we sat down. "are you rolling" I asked.
he said yeah, but he took another one so he would catch up to me soon. he had taken two.
he asked how many I had. I  held up four fingers.

standing next to him, I think he understood why I get nervous at raves.
MOB came up to me, and I shoo'd him away. Yawn came up to me.
Nick came up to me, who I left after leaving a giant bruise on my tit.
Dwayne came up to me. and I managed to get him to leave.

steve looked at me and said "that guy was checking you out something hard"
and I said yeah i was gunna go. I couldnt take getting ambushed like that.
he agreed, and I called my mom for a ride home.

Got a text from Steve the next day, and we both agreed we wanted to stop raving for a while.
and we should start doing sober things together. he said it was a wonderful idea.


so fuck. thats been the last week of my life. there is so much more but honestly its hard to remeber much before that. mostly a lot of drugs and dudes.

god damnit.

why the fuck arnt we cuddling right now.

you are my magnet

I have finaly found a souce of good in the world.
someone whos every flaw is an act of utter perfection.

all people,
are on a different frequency.
a long cord streching into an unknown direction.

when you meet, most are dissalined.

but with this... new creature.

every one of my jagged edges, are fit by him.
A kiss has never been so smooth.
If I close my eyes, I can sense his warmth across the room.
His body is an anchient tower, I have known my entire life-
but filled with a sweetness every turn beautiful and strange to me.
I melt into him. we mold. I feel as one. our hearts fuse-
and make one solid bass line. ontop of which,
our hands whisper "I love you"

Last night was the first,
I realised he was falling to.
and it really is akin-
to standing on the edge of a cliff.
out of your mind with fear, but the touch of him,
brings instant safety. He is all present. diliberate in his actions.
My extacy in human form.

missing dignity

This is where I slept friday night,
after the underground rave.
as dirty as it gets. coming down.
so terribly cold, I was soaking wet in goosebumps.
chills rattled my bones with the violence of wind.
Another instance, where I could not look at his face.
There was no pleasure. and I felt sick the next day-
when his nose was running, and green slime collected in the corners of his eyes.
why why why did I let him take off the condom.
why was I there in the first place.
why am I so afraid to say no.
so easily manipulated.

You are not welcome here

one side of my jaw is dying.
absolutly fucking dying.
two fat ugly teeth are ripping my gums apart,
and forcing their way up-
metal fists grinding away at my soft nerves.
it hurts. it itches. it aches. it throbs.
like an ivory mangled dick of solid bone-
raping my mouth. FUCK.
make the pain stop. its spread to my entire head.
My jaw is sobbing, my brain is angry.
fuck you wisdom teeth.
go awaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

such a wild ride of events

a circulating aray of memories.
of love, and flashing lights.
an oder of pharamones, and animals thrashing.
touching one another, a never ending pit of faces,
some in fear, some in control. and the men that dance,
a look in their eyes of lust and urgency.
a smile that means nothing a smile should.
the woman the girls, the beatiful sex angels,
slipping in pools of their own saliva.

Then this calm. this beautiful warm rumbling,
as the car moves through a fortress of rain.
everything so dark. the car is my womb-
and He is my twin. our tounges form the embilical cord,
of this backseat romance.

the next a lazy awakening.
sore, and freashly born again to the old world.
a world of greasy hair, and neverending yawns.
a day to play quietly. some brief laughter breaks,
and all is well again. I curl up on his lap-
and fall asleap, a strong hand cupping my breast.

but then we always have to come home.
we always have to go back to ourselves.

*twirls in circles*

"Im in love, Im in love.. and I dont care who knows it!"

good lord this is awesome.

Its sad

that i feel so sure of myself,
so centered, and imune to riducle-
after a couple drinks.

weve been talking, and I realised...
sober! I over reacted.
I analize things so severly that they inevitably look

..Fucking terrible.

So now I dont care. its the way it should be.
when im drinking. everything is right,
and if he doesnt like me. I know its not my fault.
There is someone out there for everyone,
and I am simply not for him.

its okay.
everything feels so, Okay.
its such a relief. its so right.
This feeling, this intoxication...

its my G spot.

Is this love, is this love, is this love...

"you say you cant say anymore,
youve already said it before.. in a million different ways that were all not quite right"

-Clap your hands and say yeah

Fallen back down the rabbit hole

It just isnt fair,
To want someone so badly...
your heart dropped into a blender,
Head cast down. ashamed at the thought,
that maybe you arnt good enough.

I have found that good looks alone are only half the battle,
the rest of which I am severly lacking.
I am afraid to be myself, afraid of saying the wrong thing-
and losing the only thing I feel can make me happy.

Once I get that idea in my head,
The phantom sensation of his skin on mine.
I go mad with desire. I want to know him inside out,
and bath in his smiles. I cannot have anyone else.

I want no food, no sleep, no destractions-
from this strange obsession with a stranger.

Is there any way of talking myself out of this?
Lust is a deaf, unreasonable charecter.
And although I try to calm myself,
there is a panting bitch inside of me,
who has spotted her ideal mate.
The strongest of the pack.

But he seems to have cast her aside.
She is a pup. he is 22. she has nothing.
He has it all figured out.

Now im scared, that maybe I should just hide.
meeting him once, five days ago, I feel like their is to much unesiccary emotion attached-
for it to ever work out. The stress level is to high, my eyes would dark from side to side.

Make it fun. lose expectations.
The fear of abandonment is at root.
need to cut the tree from the ground,
so that I may be free...

I hate my mother.
I hate how weak she is. How sick, and wrong, and lost, and cruel, and sad, and,
such a fucking sadistic manipulative bitch.

I hate that whatching her life spiral out of control-
feels like a flash into the future of my own.

I cannot argue with her because its like argueing with myself.
Mothers shouldnt tell their daughters the things she does.

and she plays the victem constantly. like im wronging her,
its my fault, she is inoccent. but im supposed to be the fucking kid.
grow up, bitch! you feel like a falure of a parent because you are.

The brief times when you are calm, supportive, and stable...
if you dont see the payoffs you give up.
switch back to this additure where their is no way to reason with you.
you are on constant defense.
I dont feel safe with you. emotionally you are more fucked up than I am.

But I feel guilty because she has cancer.
my mother could die, and this would be the last of it.
When I get mad I think unspeakable things.
I think how much easier, and less painful my life might be...
if she wasnt in it. :/

If I wasnt in my life.
If everyone could just die.

cracks on the walls. cracks on the street.

Tuesday. one of those days-
you forget you should be thankful to be alive.
reminints of oxygen filtering through the smog.
You awake at noon, and the fact is elusive:

this is not your death bed.

you have 24 hours to waste and complain.
to snap at peaople who dont deserve it. to cheet and lie.

Wednesday. a day that could never come.
the story ending on page 99.
before its happy ending.

Thursday? hopes for the future.
The ending you wish would come.
rarely do you predict all your thursdays will get lost in a world of tuesdays.

I will forever be waiting, angry at life,
taking what isnt mine, and hating myself.
spending years and years of endless tuesdays.

This Tuesday I will take the bike, in fishnets and a grey coat.
with some cardboard and pack of cigarettes-
to the lynnwood transit center. I will sit on my ass,
and ask for their change. I dont have a job,
and Im not in school. Ive stole from my family, and used my friends...

yet the world is in debt to me.
and nothig is ever enough.

I havent used in three days, If I still havent by the fourth...
maybe a pact with the devil can be made.

Trees and ocean, and red red romance.
with poets, and singing angels would be nice.

But such things are left only for thursdays.

...Its mondays I cant remember.

love junkie

"will the wind, ever remember
 the names it has blown in the past?"

we all are constantly in and out of love.
forgeting and remembering. like a smell,
that takes us back to a time when things were different.

I dont think I even have anything to say.
the lusious spores of my mind are dried up,
Ive become another shallow bullshit muncher.
concerened with nothing of value.
lost in a world of myself.
such a visious world..

food coma

didnt eat all day today, all day yesterday except for a couple bites of my moms bagle.

then hunger struck me like lightning straight from jesus's asshole.
I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY.

top Romen, tuna sandwich, watermelon arizona, hot chettos, and fruit snacks.
hahahaha, it was amazing.

my first taste of anything close to happiness scince coming down.

and my body cries out,
"more, more, more, more."

you cannot experience such intense feelings of euphoria,
without falling into a sudden depression-
to find that your feelings of completeness, and carefree lust for life,
was only an artificail chemical reaction in your brain.

as the feelings wane, its like shock.
then despare. please dont let this feeling end, please dont make me go back to the way things were.

and I feel angry and betrayed. like my best freind has walked out on me.
left me with nothing. and then its like sickness. my mind spinning,
unsure why I cant feel so good all the time, and that the previous joy was a lie.
I have been robbed, I have been tricked.

Its heartbreak, falling out of love, its abandonmet from your mother,
your caretaker, its every miserable lonely feel combined into one.

Your sweating now. trying to sleep and close your eyes,
but when your eyes shut its a nightmare still intensified.

The following day-
Today...

I feel absolutly disgusted.
my actions the previous night, general fatigue,
and an intollerance for those around me.
the night before I felt tottal devotion and admiration for those around me.
Now I feel like driving a skrewdriver through my skull everytime my mother or adam opens there mouth.
I hate everyone. I want to be alone. I want more extacy. more more more extacy.
because without-
my mundane bored tick tock tick tock existance is intollerable.

life just fucking sucks.
why shouldnt I feel good all the time?

sail away on a Wave of Mutilation. given my goodbye drive my car into the ocean.

They go on bickering like children. at least adam charged my ipod, but his "fucked up attempt at dicipline" was a little immature, not to mention futile (haha come on now, Im 17 and have been to 11 lockdown correctional facilities.. haha why on earth would I listen to your bitch ass?) and my ma is no better, even though she usually has more of an arguement- its like if she had any sense she wouldnt bother trying to debate with him. I consider myself to be a little more out of the loop. I put in my headphones, and tell them not to bring me into it. Listening just makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with them... why when imersed in something it is often so hard to see the situation clearly. I wait patiently for my mother to get fed up, and leave. but she keeps fighting. keeps losing. Then they make up, he leaves her hopeful with ingenuine appologies, and a weak smile. which she sees sufficient time and time again. Love is such a cunning deciever. You can fall for anything, over and over and over again. because you just want it to be true so badly. I get it, and when the honeymoon period wheres off she always snaps, and is in a fit of self righteous "I dont need yous". so angry at being falsly led into the same trap.(its like the guy from shutter island. a big break through, then not being able to come with the break through, and forcing the mind to foget the past, and stay disscontent in the illusions that leave one comforted but ultimatly empty)  sooner or later always lapsing into the way things where. giving up. and the two of them retarded little love birds playing fall out on xbox and pretending some great headway was made. Dont get me wrong, I can tollerate adam on his own, he is an asshole but so are a lot of people. Whats erritating is the two of them together, their never ending cycle. its so predictable it seems as though they must have sever mental handicaps not to agknowlage its the same shit that has been going on for years, and nothing is going to change, without changing. one appology does nothing. the issue is obviously more complicated, and the motherfuckes simply are not compatable. but whatever. Even though my mother remains the more respecable one when dealing with her words, the noble problem solver, I think it shows much less maturity on her part for even associating with him. The chess club doesnt hang out with the special ed kids. let alone try to play chess with them. maybe my comparrison to my parents mental abilities is a little harsh, and crude. but its hard to think of any better examples. to me its just pure stupidity. an example of this bullshit, is the incident from earlier. I came home in a decent mood, still hyped up on caffine, having finished half of my college testing and feeling pretty confident about it, listening to a damn good song, and enjoying all the cute artsy boys making googly eyes in my direction on my way home from the college. I felt productive, I felt mighty fine. so I open the front door, and step inside. the house smelled like unwashed hair and cigarettes. my mother was frowning, and adam stood staring blankly into the refrigorator. I took off my coat, and said something to mom in regards to my triumphant achievment of finding my way home from the campus without getting lost. Adam turned to me holding a bag of bagles from the food bank. "Can you put these away" I looked at him in dissbelief, but assumed he was trying to be funny? like ohh, puting the bagles away was just to overwhelming and complicated for him. being two feet away from the open fridge, and the bagles in his hand. but when I laughed, left and came back he was still waiting with the bagles on the counter now. I opend the fridge, and cramed them in the second shelf. Figured id forget about it, then sat on the futon. he started freeking out, and I tuned most of the conversation out until I made my way into it. Apparently he was mad, because he had left some food and garbage on the floor, and when he asked me to put away the bagles, I also did not clean up his trash. he threw the remaining food from the floor away. and continued to argue with mom, who was calling him on his bullshit. I yelled out "I aint yo mama." still a little amused that this was even an issue. after further probing, adam told my mother that in throwing away the food he was trying to dicipline me. and my mom threw down ten fold. after that, and my favorite song over... I reluctantly stood up, put on my boots, and mossed on down to the office to use the computers. Its frustrating, when I seem to be the mature one, and my mother feels so far away when devoting all of herself to some asshole, and losing herself in such an obvious cycle. So im doing my own thing. sometimes the two of them make me chuckle. other times it repulses me. now.. its a little of both. But its 1:30 and I got nothing left to do today.Which is lame, cuz sitting at the stinky house, with two big babies is going to brew in me a very bad mood. I could go out.. but Im no good at meeting new people, Im broke, its overcast. guess the peek of my day (an uneventful trip to edmonds, two hours of testing, a brisk walk and a cigarette) wraps things up. the peek of my day winding down. what the hell do people do all day?? When I was in school, I used to look longingly out the window, and felt like their where a million better more useful ways I could be filling my time. but its lies. all lies. when you are without money, and introverted, the world doesnt have much to offer you. I dont know how to have meaningless adventures alone, or without drugs. Acid or Extacy, fuck. sitting in a room by yourself is an adventure. With someone I love, a conversation is an adventure. but this? idk, im lost.