the last week

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/photo.php?fbid=1628904855986&set=a.1537638454383.76385.1637524564

this is a picture of where I slept friday night with a guy named MOB.
I had gone to this underground rave, and had a shit time after only taking half a tab of E.

But I had been ridiculously excited to see Luvr.
(the guy I told you a couple weeks ago I really liked. well we ended up meeting up at Jingle Bomb-
and he said I could stay at his house for a while. There is no way to describe how calm and safe I felt around him. he asked me if I was ready to go, and I said yes. So he grabbed my hand, and we walked in the rain to his friends car. Our highs were in sync, I had taken seven thizz pills, him only two. but we were both winding down and enjoying the calm. in the car we layed under this green fuzzy blanket, and talked for hours. I could talk to him about anything. and when our mouths met, it was fuckn euphoric. We fooled around in the backseat for a while, dropped Sugar Rush off, then went to his house. I stayed three days, where the two of us did nothing but whatch  ren and stimpy, play xbox, take naps, cuddle, and fuck, we would stay up till 5 in the morning talking. on day three he gave me some bus money and i went home)

Then like last wed I had gone down town on my to find something to do.
I met some street kids who SEEMED cool, and I agreed to shroom with them.
horrible idea. by the end of the night I was so useless I could barely talk.
I couldnt think. I was scared, and was getting ambushed by guys trying to get me to go with them places.
people kept touching me. Domo the guy I was with was getting very possesive and wouldnt leave me alone.

I ran into Angelo, who I fucked a couple weeks before.
I looked at him with disgust, then hated myself for ever having anything to do with him.
Im so much better than that. then all of this.

So I called Luvr (steve)
and he talked me through it. he gave me directions to get home,
and said he knew I could do it. I was starting to feel better,
then Domo came looking for me and I told him I was leaving.

he left, and i stayed on the phone with steve for a bit until i found my bus.
My step dad picked me up insted, and we talked the whole drive home.
I told him I hated myself. I hated everyone I knew. and drugs weren't keeping me happy anymore.
we drove around in circles, and he talked me through it. said i could always confined in him.
with my anxiety gone, I could get back to enjoying my trip. my body high bounced back.

then I went home, and my mom started crying and said we needed some house rules.
i agreed, then we whatched Zack and Miri make a porno, and I ate like 500 pizza pockets.

so back to the underground rave. I didnt understand when steve was being so stand offish.
MOB was all over me, and i really wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
it made me mad, cuz without steve with me i was alone-
and a target for gross horney manipulative assholes.
Id try to go up and talk to steve, but he was being very strange.
I asked him if I could get a ride close to Lynnwood and he said the car was full,
so I was like "alright Im just gunna go" and of course MOB tagged along.
the whole walk home he fed me little put downs, and lies.

saying Luvr thought I wasnt pretty enough, or he didnt even care that I was at the rave.
but MOB cared about me a lot and thought I was beautiful.

we found a place to squat, and MOB touched me in all the wrong places.
and It felt horrible, and I just wanted steve. MOB was 19,
and was recently released from prison for murder (self defense)
he was bi, and had fucked guys. so why the hell did I let him take off the condom.

because he wasn't finishing fast enough and I just wanted it to be over.
In the moring we were woken up by a bunch of homeless men,
who said there was some free feed at jack in the box.

When I saw MOB in the cold light, I wanted to puke.
green slime collected at the corners of his eyes.
gross hairs poped up around his chin.
his hair was greasy. I was angry.
at myself, but mostly at steve for letting me leave with him.


I told him I was going home to shower and sleep, and would meet up with him to spange later,
so we could both get in to happy chronica. he decided he wanted to stay with me,
and bus to Lynnwood and wait outside by the TC for me to be done.
I said no he should just go home. he seemed aware that my plan to go home was a ploy to get rid of him.

It was really off putting that he knew I wanted him gone, and was still resisting.
so I told him I was taking a different 511 bus to my house without him.
he said "Wait! give me a hug first!"
like... WTFFFFFFF. leave me alone.

So I got myself home. my legs were sore. in between was bleeding from to much sex.
I ate some mac n cheese, then got online and talked to Steve. this was saterday.
we made plans to meet at chronica. I took a bath, and got dressed up.

MOB was texting me and calling me obsessively.
I got dressed up in a skirt and fishnets and black and pink strapless shirt.
bussed downtown, and spanged 25 dollars. holding a sign that said "hugs for a dollar"
outside I met up with Epic. hung out for a bit then paid and went in to the rave.
it was at the ORB and fucking spectacular. a really big dirty old building.
graffiti everywhere, doors ripped off, giant ceilings. Lights and two separate dance rooms.

Dwayne and his fat drug friend came up to me franticly.
"are you gunna kick it with us tonight, you want pills? Ill give you pills, can you come outside with me? im not a wierdo or anything, I just want to fuck you so bad. do you want pills?"

so he gave me three extacy pills.
I went to another room. some really tall guy high out of his mind comes and dances by me.
his name is yawn, im peaches. he attacks my face with his mouth out of nowhere.
I ask if he knows where I can get extacy, looking all young and stupid.
he smiles and grabs my hand and leads me to another room.
the dealer asks me how many I want to buy, I say I have no money.
the dealer says he cant, then yawn gives him this awful look.

and I wonder how it is that guys think I am so fucking stupid. The look said this..
"please give this chick a tab of E so she will get high enough to fuck me"
and the dealer rolled his eyes, and gave me a pill. Yawn mouthed thank you.

but Im sneaky. I left yawn and found Luvr.

I realised that the reason he avoids me at raves, is because we both come to forget ourselves.
but the last time I stayed with him we made ourselves vulnerable. we shared truths with eachother.
So this time-
 when I saw him and we kissed. it wasnt a rave kiss. we didnt smile.
it was slow, and passionate, and the look in his eyes afterwards explained everything.

we sat down. "are you rolling" I asked.
he said yeah, but he took another one so he would catch up to me soon. he had taken two.
he asked how many I had. I  held up four fingers.

standing next to him, I think he understood why I get nervous at raves.
MOB came up to me, and I shoo'd him away. Yawn came up to me.
Nick came up to me, who I left after leaving a giant bruise on my tit.
Dwayne came up to me. and I managed to get him to leave.

steve looked at me and said "that guy was checking you out something hard"
and I said yeah i was gunna go. I couldnt take getting ambushed like that.
he agreed, and I called my mom for a ride home.

Got a text from Steve the next day, and we both agreed we wanted to stop raving for a while.
and we should start doing sober things together. he said it was a wonderful idea.


so fuck. thats been the last week of my life. there is so much more but honestly its hard to remeber much before that. mostly a lot of drugs and dudes.