lynnwood library.
I wish I lived here insted.
at least I some can take parts with me.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
misery bloggers revolt!
so im thinking ill start paying attention to other blogs beside my own.
it would be nice to read about topics that interst me. but sifting through some of the millions of blogs out there-
everyone seems so damn happy. with their little updates about simple pleasures,
and to many pictures of their fucking pets. but maybe my main peer group-
the people I relate to most dont keep blogs. maybe their is a stariotypical "blogger"
and I just dont fit the catagory. Im a rebel blogger. and you just dont see enough miserable people on blog sites.
just a bunch of arrogant losers trying to make it seem like their boring life is so great.
well it is, im jelous. my boring life is stupid. glad you all are so content with yours.
it would be nice to read about topics that interst me. but sifting through some of the millions of blogs out there-
everyone seems so damn happy. with their little updates about simple pleasures,
and to many pictures of their fucking pets. but maybe my main peer group-
the people I relate to most dont keep blogs. maybe their is a stariotypical "blogger"
and I just dont fit the catagory. Im a rebel blogger. and you just dont see enough miserable people on blog sites.
just a bunch of arrogant losers trying to make it seem like their boring life is so great.
well it is, im jelous. my boring life is stupid. glad you all are so content with yours.
waking up on the wrong side of the bed
because I know the day ahead holds the same monotonous string of events,
as the day before, and the day before that. Im a believer in rutien,
but it seems a waste to bother rolling out of bed when there isnt anything worth getting up for.
Im in a bad mood before I even open my eyes, and when the faint yelling streams into my consiousness-
growing louder and louder, the fuck yous, and petty insults thrown back and forth..
I wish I could stay asleep and wake up somewhere else. Its like a soap oprea left on tv,
all hours of the day. I am so sick of them. so fed up with myself. so done with my life.
I had all these hopes for what seattle would be like. Like my big life changing experience,
where I could find my niche, and blossom into a person I enjoy being.
I could have friends, and go to raves, be independent and support myself.
but I feel more like an angry leech, sucking my mother for resources,
then sitting bitterly in digust at how litttle I have. greed substitutes emotional emtiness.
I think if the sun would only come out things could be so much better.
at least then I could pretend to have some optimism, but the gloom of
a sky so thick with clouds, I feel like im choking on death everytime I look outside.
It gets dark to early, spoiling my motivation to go anywhere- in a town I dont know, alone, in blackness.
as the day before, and the day before that. Im a believer in rutien,
but it seems a waste to bother rolling out of bed when there isnt anything worth getting up for.
Im in a bad mood before I even open my eyes, and when the faint yelling streams into my consiousness-
growing louder and louder, the fuck yous, and petty insults thrown back and forth..
I wish I could stay asleep and wake up somewhere else. Its like a soap oprea left on tv,
all hours of the day. I am so sick of them. so fed up with myself. so done with my life.
I had all these hopes for what seattle would be like. Like my big life changing experience,
where I could find my niche, and blossom into a person I enjoy being.
I could have friends, and go to raves, be independent and support myself.
but I feel more like an angry leech, sucking my mother for resources,
then sitting bitterly in digust at how litttle I have. greed substitutes emotional emtiness.
I think if the sun would only come out things could be so much better.
at least then I could pretend to have some optimism, but the gloom of
a sky so thick with clouds, I feel like im choking on death everytime I look outside.
It gets dark to early, spoiling my motivation to go anywhere- in a town I dont know, alone, in blackness.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Goals
read more books.
finish decoding love.
go to the library tomorow, get a card.
call kiarer, make sure they send me imunization records.
go to the DMV, get new id card.
...with that, visit the college and take placement tests. hopefully before the end of the week.
fill out application to Value Village.
turn in while waiting to hear back from Bill about Jack in the box. (yuck)
if job at jack in the box is available... vow not to eat misery away alongside the dollar menu.
dont eat misery away in general. lose 15 pounds. hell, lose 20.
be more persistant with writting, and art.
put stolen sketchbook from walgreens to good use, seeing as its mostly empty.
snake tattoo, 18th birthday.
find a design that I like. maybe greek?
get a green pen. write in green ink.
read more poetry. write less meaningless babbling.
get a grip on this inferriority complex.
downsize ego, increase self esteem, respect?
Find a boy. but learn from mistakes, and dont repeate. (who wears a short skirt, and a long jacket)
you shouldnt fall to fast, and turn into a life sucking emotional wreckage.
get laid... its been two weeks. (wtf is that??)
find a yoga class. cut down on smoking.
bagder mom about boxing classes, and buying me that camo jacket.
forget the world. the word assumption.
reclaim acceptance into my life.
agnowlage that their is a bigger world, than the petty shit you emerse your full attention to.
go a day without getting on facebook. or a week. delete facebook, its fucking retarded.
no, Im never gunna delete my facebook. it would be nice tho.
make up mind about mohawk. or just do it.
fill heart with love. meet a god who deserves praise.
be less of a pessimist. be less of a self critic.
your to hard on yourself, darlin.
smoke some bud. Ive missed bud.
get some coke. some e. some beer.
get shitty. but dont over do it. just a little taste to tide me over.
build my interrior.
train Lucy Lu to do something neat.
contemplate communicating with my father, my family.
dont lose track of time away from them. keep them close to your heart,
even if they feel your a monster. they can still love a friendly monster.
get some new music. stop eating avacodo, as tempting as it may be.
finish decoding love.
go to the library tomorow, get a card.
call kiarer, make sure they send me imunization records.
go to the DMV, get new id card.
...with that, visit the college and take placement tests. hopefully before the end of the week.
fill out application to Value Village.
turn in while waiting to hear back from Bill about Jack in the box. (yuck)
if job at jack in the box is available... vow not to eat misery away alongside the dollar menu.
dont eat misery away in general. lose 15 pounds. hell, lose 20.
be more persistant with writting, and art.
put stolen sketchbook from walgreens to good use, seeing as its mostly empty.
snake tattoo, 18th birthday.
find a design that I like. maybe greek?
get a green pen. write in green ink.
read more poetry. write less meaningless babbling.
get a grip on this inferriority complex.
downsize ego, increase self esteem, respect?
Find a boy. but learn from mistakes, and dont repeate. (who wears a short skirt, and a long jacket)
you shouldnt fall to fast, and turn into a life sucking emotional wreckage.
get laid... its been two weeks. (wtf is that??)
find a yoga class. cut down on smoking.
bagder mom about boxing classes, and buying me that camo jacket.
forget the world. the word assumption.
reclaim acceptance into my life.
agnowlage that their is a bigger world, than the petty shit you emerse your full attention to.
go a day without getting on facebook. or a week. delete facebook, its fucking retarded.
no, Im never gunna delete my facebook. it would be nice tho.
make up mind about mohawk. or just do it.
fill heart with love. meet a god who deserves praise.
be less of a pessimist. be less of a self critic.
your to hard on yourself, darlin.
smoke some bud. Ive missed bud.
get some coke. some e. some beer.
get shitty. but dont over do it. just a little taste to tide me over.
build my interrior.
train Lucy Lu to do something neat.
contemplate communicating with my father, my family.
dont lose track of time away from them. keep them close to your heart,
even if they feel your a monster. they can still love a friendly monster.
get some new music. stop eating avacodo, as tempting as it may be.
mmhm
with a little more drive, reservation, and maturity,
Less self entitlement, bullshit, and aluring snake like charm.
I COULD BE THOM YORKE.
but not in the wierd, "being john malcovich" type of way.
Less self entitlement, bullshit, and aluring snake like charm.
I COULD BE THOM YORKE.
but not in the wierd, "being john malcovich" type of way.
"who do you love?"
I am trapped in a fanasy world,
undergoing an accuputurists syringe- a frightening mix.
a love junkie with leather skin surounding the rib cage.
experimenting with exploitation, and the silly beliefs,
that one last fix can cure such bad timing.
Im spoiled rotten, a pout sits stubernly on the brow,
where I would rather sweat, or kisses, or marmalade.
anything but the face of a victem. a soggy baby,
who wails on and on and on. rejecting comfort.
to abandon the feeling that I have been wronged.
to burn the stories written in my head of how it should be.
to burn everything.
I have ever loved. ever remembered. ever given time of day.
except maybe some happy memories of my father.
some good bands, and my favorite foods.
undergoing an accuputurists syringe- a frightening mix.
a love junkie with leather skin surounding the rib cage.
experimenting with exploitation, and the silly beliefs,
that one last fix can cure such bad timing.
Im spoiled rotten, a pout sits stubernly on the brow,
where I would rather sweat, or kisses, or marmalade.
anything but the face of a victem. a soggy baby,
who wails on and on and on. rejecting comfort.
to abandon the feeling that I have been wronged.
to burn the stories written in my head of how it should be.
to burn everything.
I have ever loved. ever remembered. ever given time of day.
except maybe some happy memories of my father.
some good bands, and my favorite foods.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
we hate eachother.
its great! we agrue over nothing.
If i didnt disslike him so much I dont think id really care,
but damn- there is nothing like hostility and tension between two people.
Im sure the sex would be incredible now.
yet i feel like i might have to let it go.
like helium ballons, so eager to reach the sky-
my arm could be pulled from the socket if i dont release.
their will be more pretty things to hold onto,
these ones belong in the sky. you on the earth. with your greedy earthly desires.
stop trying to do everything in your indirect power to halt them.
the seporation shows mutaul respect. in a tiny dose.
let it go.
its great! we agrue over nothing.
If i didnt disslike him so much I dont think id really care,
but damn- there is nothing like hostility and tension between two people.
Im sure the sex would be incredible now.
yet i feel like i might have to let it go.
like helium ballons, so eager to reach the sky-
my arm could be pulled from the socket if i dont release.
their will be more pretty things to hold onto,
these ones belong in the sky. you on the earth. with your greedy earthly desires.
stop trying to do everything in your indirect power to halt them.
the seporation shows mutaul respect. in a tiny dose.
let it go.
dissfunctional fuckbuddies
Mark as SpamReport as AbuseAngelo Chase u can feel the pain n watch me cry, but u never thot to picc me up n give me the strength u took from me, its as if i wuz a game bein playd n u only used the cheats to hide n get past me. now im dwn to earth n below feelin this n hopin to find the cure
21 hours ago ·LikeUnlike · Comment · View Feedback (10)Hide Feedback (10)
Emily Elizabeth Tanksley you ok?
20 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase alot goin on in my head, but ill make it
20 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley It happends. Well if ya need to talk im here. Crazier than you are, so im sure i know what yer goin through lol
20 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase lol... idk if u really kno tho. ppl that have known me for like my whole life really understand
20 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley lol okkkk. Then good luck on your own broski. Most peoples problems have common ground. At the root its usually all the same shit people can relate to, but whatev. Just tryn to help :)
20 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase y u take it as a bad thing?? for me, common grounds dnt help.. talkin to ppl i trust n ppl who have been thru it wit me can only help me bcuz they r more than juz friends, they r family. its diff.. i run diff than alot of ppl
20 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley lol what you said just seemed a little dramatic, but its cool i get what you mean. Hope you figure shit out.
17 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase dramatic is a phrase of deceit in which i have known, so stop tryin to put it on m elike u needa help, wen u dnt.. i got this n can do it on my own. ive been thru it n kno how to get over it.
13 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Desma Crupper gee stubonr ass :)
I sent you a smiley! Want to see it? http://www.facebook.com/apps/application.php?id=116318625062183&v=app_4949752878&partner=ZNzfb010_ZLxdm2104NUS
6 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley Omg are you on crack? Why the fuck are you being a dick about this. If your still mad about whatever- get the fuck over it. I dont want to be your friend if your gunna be like this when i offer support. Shit.
21 hours ago ·LikeUnlike · Comment · View Feedback (10)Hide Feedback (10)
Emily Elizabeth Tanksley you ok?
20 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase alot goin on in my head, but ill make it
20 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley It happends. Well if ya need to talk im here. Crazier than you are, so im sure i know what yer goin through lol
20 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase lol... idk if u really kno tho. ppl that have known me for like my whole life really understand
20 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley lol okkkk. Then good luck on your own broski. Most peoples problems have common ground. At the root its usually all the same shit people can relate to, but whatev. Just tryn to help :)
20 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase y u take it as a bad thing?? for me, common grounds dnt help.. talkin to ppl i trust n ppl who have been thru it wit me can only help me bcuz they r more than juz friends, they r family. its diff.. i run diff than alot of ppl
20 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley lol what you said just seemed a little dramatic, but its cool i get what you mean. Hope you figure shit out.
17 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase dramatic is a phrase of deceit in which i have known, so stop tryin to put it on m elike u needa help, wen u dnt.. i got this n can do it on my own. ive been thru it n kno how to get over it.
13 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Desma Crupper gee stubonr ass :)
I sent you a smiley! Want to see it? http://www.facebook.com/apps/application.php?id=116318625062183&v=app_4949752878&partner=ZNzfb010_ZLxdm2104NUS
6 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley Omg are you on crack? Why the fuck are you being a dick about this. If your still mad about whatever- get the fuck over it. I dont want to be your friend if your gunna be like this when i offer support. Shit.
correction
i wish i could delete my life,
like shitty blog posts.
erase parts that dont quite seem me.
I notice when i dont think before I act, or speak-
I act only on fear and insecurities.
i get so defensive. and try to play it off like i dont care.
but I do. i care so much.
everything gets to me, and im a such big imature baby.
like shitty blog posts.
erase parts that dont quite seem me.
I notice when i dont think before I act, or speak-
I act only on fear and insecurities.
i get so defensive. and try to play it off like i dont care.
but I do. i care so much.
everything gets to me, and im a such big imature baby.
Friday, November 26, 2010
got a pet rat.
named her lucy lucifer.
shes really adorable.
took her to value village today with my mom,
she was our third acomplice.
got some old shirts. bought cigerettes,
and mom got whine. which makes me overjoyed,
because she hassssss to share.
we came home, I took a bath, and read my book in the tub.
listened to mom and adam fight, threats of breaking up that has lost any meaning.
then I dried myself, and made dinner. cut up some avacoda. turkey, chips, and salad.
got on facebook. this is my life.
...this is my... life.
hu.
named her lucy lucifer.
shes really adorable.
took her to value village today with my mom,
she was our third acomplice.
got some old shirts. bought cigerettes,
and mom got whine. which makes me overjoyed,
because she hassssss to share.
we came home, I took a bath, and read my book in the tub.
listened to mom and adam fight, threats of breaking up that has lost any meaning.
then I dried myself, and made dinner. cut up some avacoda. turkey, chips, and salad.
got on facebook. this is my life.
...this is my... life.
hu.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
somethings taking over
my sensible side is being drowned out by a... what?
slipping me into a mode of thinking-
where my answer to everything is I DONT GIVE A FUCKKKK.
withdrawls? stds? rape?
i dont give a fuck.
I know what I want I know what I want I know what I want.
the rest is meaningless. little setbacks, ya know?
dubstep, drugs, and some lucky bastared drooling over my shit.
thats all I need, and im a (happy) miserable little girl. :)
slipping me into a mode of thinking-
where my answer to everything is I DONT GIVE A FUCKKKK.
withdrawls? stds? rape?
i dont give a fuck.
I know what I want I know what I want I know what I want.
the rest is meaningless. little setbacks, ya know?
dubstep, drugs, and some lucky bastared drooling over my shit.
thats all I need, and im a (happy) miserable little girl. :)
its a game
Ill smash you onto the concrete,
with your ten gallon heart.
Ill squeeze the life out of you.
wear your remains like artwork smeared across my chest.
Ill fuck your shit up, boy.
with your ten gallon heart.
Ill squeeze the life out of you.
wear your remains like artwork smeared across my chest.
Ill fuck your shit up, boy.
GO FUCK YOURSELF
Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 2:10am kjdfg;iudcklnfuig9o'vnervkiogtovnt9vg. dont talk down to me like ive got a problem. i know you care about me, and I care about you to. but if were gunna be friends youve gotta let me do my own thing, and not let it effect things. ive got shit under control. im doing good, really. so dont stress?? :) .
Angelo Chase November 25 at 7:36am Report
look, if ur gonna use anythin but bud or alcohol, i wont associate wit u. plain n simple. u didnt believe me inportland, y dnt u now knowin the fact that everythin workd out?? .
Angelo Chase November 25 at 8:20am Report
u kno wat.. juz do u, ima be outta this, u think u fuccin got this shit dwn but u dnt kno shit, ive watchd ppl like u die from this disease n u really think ur strong enough to control it?? ya right, ur the weakest of em all.. im not even strong enough to hold bacc, thaz y i dnt picc up that shit n sticc to bud.. so bye. have fun doin u if u dnt wanna listen to me. have fun gettin high outta ur mind doin nothin in life, u have such potential but ui dnt even use it right, u use it negfatively. u can do anythin u want to if u put ur mind into it, seeive vhnaged, i left the drug game n i left the gang game n i left the stealing game n i left the fightin game n i left it all bcuz i heard a sound in my head n it told me to quit b4 i die n b4 i give up on myself n guess wat, u came into myu life n i tried to picc u up n help u outbut u dnt even want it, so bye.. thaz all i gotta say. BYE .
Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 1:21pm Alright dickhead. If you wanna use this as an excuse to fuckn drop me, cool cool cool. Thats fuckn awesome! I dont give a fuck. Peace.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Angelo Chase November 25 at 1:27pm Report
drop u?? i aint droppd u. u kno wat, i care bout ppl so much, i had sum chicc message me sayin thank u for savin her life, is all i wantd to do for u was help, but u think using is the world n u gotta do it, but u dnt.. bye .
Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 1:53pm I apreciate everything you tried to do for me... But i never asked for your help. And i dont understand why you would possibly get so pissed off about this, other than it just being an easy way for you to dip out.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Angelo Chase November 25 at 1:55pm Report
lol... pissd off, bcuz wen u see sum1 who can go sumwhere in life n they juz wanna throw it away, it shows i care. it shows i wanna see u do sumthin in ur life rather than die bcuz u needed the next line or the next pill. ive seen it happen, if i wantd to ditch out on u, i wouldnt talk to u, idc.. we arent dating n we arent in a relationship, u made that clear. u made sure i knew that. so ur phrase of ditchin out on u is way off... .
Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 2:42pm Well i wish i could agree with you, and stay clean.. But it would never work because i wouldnt be doing it for myself. You should know that. And i guess i just have a wierd way of going about things when it comes to guys. I dont like starting out with any commitments. If they really like me.. They wait. So I feel like i wasnt important enough for you to wait. But if we cant even tollorate being friends, and were TOTAL opposites btw, then its probubly for the best. Haha. And everyone has potential. I see it in myself, but im not ready to give up everything else. Im going to jack in the box in a sec, if i didnt get the job ill get applications somewhere else. Im getting my diploma, then going to art school and pursuing something i love. So im growing up in someways, but thinking about staying sober scares the shit out of me. I can admit that i do have a prob, or this wouldnt be such a big deal for me NOT TO. So idk, i still have a lot of shit to sort out, ive just been feinding and know i wanna do it.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Angelo Chase November 25 at 2:48pm Report
well, then hit a meeting, n i wait to, but not wen its put out there the way it was.. i felt like there wuz more to it then friends n i dnt have sex wit juz friends, im srry.. yes its happend, n its happend a few times, but not again an no more will it again. if u wanna do sumthin in life, look ahead n dnt look bacc. throw away the drugs n keep ur head on straight. ur gonna end up like a junky if u dnt give up the drugs. u only want em bcuz ur not happy wit urself n i kno that for a fact, bcuz u dnt even kno y u juz fiend for it. im an addict i kno y. we all can get over it if we want to
Angelo Chase November 25 at 7:36am Report
look, if ur gonna use anythin but bud or alcohol, i wont associate wit u. plain n simple. u didnt believe me inportland, y dnt u now knowin the fact that everythin workd out?? .
Angelo Chase November 25 at 8:20am Report
u kno wat.. juz do u, ima be outta this, u think u fuccin got this shit dwn but u dnt kno shit, ive watchd ppl like u die from this disease n u really think ur strong enough to control it?? ya right, ur the weakest of em all.. im not even strong enough to hold bacc, thaz y i dnt picc up that shit n sticc to bud.. so bye. have fun doin u if u dnt wanna listen to me. have fun gettin high outta ur mind doin nothin in life, u have such potential but ui dnt even use it right, u use it negfatively. u can do anythin u want to if u put ur mind into it, seeive vhnaged, i left the drug game n i left the gang game n i left the stealing game n i left the fightin game n i left it all bcuz i heard a sound in my head n it told me to quit b4 i die n b4 i give up on myself n guess wat, u came into myu life n i tried to picc u up n help u outbut u dnt even want it, so bye.. thaz all i gotta say. BYE .
Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 1:21pm Alright dickhead. If you wanna use this as an excuse to fuckn drop me, cool cool cool. Thats fuckn awesome! I dont give a fuck. Peace.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Angelo Chase November 25 at 1:27pm Report
drop u?? i aint droppd u. u kno wat, i care bout ppl so much, i had sum chicc message me sayin thank u for savin her life, is all i wantd to do for u was help, but u think using is the world n u gotta do it, but u dnt.. bye .
Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 1:53pm I apreciate everything you tried to do for me... But i never asked for your help. And i dont understand why you would possibly get so pissed off about this, other than it just being an easy way for you to dip out.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Angelo Chase November 25 at 1:55pm Report
lol... pissd off, bcuz wen u see sum1 who can go sumwhere in life n they juz wanna throw it away, it shows i care. it shows i wanna see u do sumthin in ur life rather than die bcuz u needed the next line or the next pill. ive seen it happen, if i wantd to ditch out on u, i wouldnt talk to u, idc.. we arent dating n we arent in a relationship, u made that clear. u made sure i knew that. so ur phrase of ditchin out on u is way off... .
Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 2:42pm Well i wish i could agree with you, and stay clean.. But it would never work because i wouldnt be doing it for myself. You should know that. And i guess i just have a wierd way of going about things when it comes to guys. I dont like starting out with any commitments. If they really like me.. They wait. So I feel like i wasnt important enough for you to wait. But if we cant even tollorate being friends, and were TOTAL opposites btw, then its probubly for the best. Haha. And everyone has potential. I see it in myself, but im not ready to give up everything else. Im going to jack in the box in a sec, if i didnt get the job ill get applications somewhere else. Im getting my diploma, then going to art school and pursuing something i love. So im growing up in someways, but thinking about staying sober scares the shit out of me. I can admit that i do have a prob, or this wouldnt be such a big deal for me NOT TO. So idk, i still have a lot of shit to sort out, ive just been feinding and know i wanna do it.
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Angelo Chase November 25 at 2:48pm Report
well, then hit a meeting, n i wait to, but not wen its put out there the way it was.. i felt like there wuz more to it then friends n i dnt have sex wit juz friends, im srry.. yes its happend, n its happend a few times, but not again an no more will it again. if u wanna do sumthin in life, look ahead n dnt look bacc. throw away the drugs n keep ur head on straight. ur gonna end up like a junky if u dnt give up the drugs. u only want em bcuz ur not happy wit urself n i kno that for a fact, bcuz u dnt even kno y u juz fiend for it. im an addict i kno y. we all can get over it if we want to
organic confusion
there is a fungus,
spreading between us.
keeping us sick.
keeping us unaware,
that there might be something better out there?
were stuffing our faces. filling our brains.
the social norm becomes clinicly insane...
EAT ME ALICE
spreading between us.
keeping us sick.
keeping us unaware,
that there might be something better out there?
were stuffing our faces. filling our brains.
the social norm becomes clinicly insane...
EAT ME ALICE
your going to post a bog!
ABOUT WHAT?!?!
a) drugs
b) your obsession with some nameless male
c) an inflamation of your ego, trying to convince the world of something.
d) self loathing
e) something with the word 'neuorotic' that mentions how your losing it, but doesnt actually go any further in detail.
f)bullshit
oppse. those are your only options. sorry.
a) drugs
b) your obsession with some nameless male
c) an inflamation of your ego, trying to convince the world of something.
d) self loathing
e) something with the word 'neuorotic' that mentions how your losing it, but doesnt actually go any further in detail.
f)bullshit
oppse. those are your only options. sorry.
its just a bad idea, for my to open my mouth.
in general. ever. fuck my thoughts.
I should keep them barred away,
in the sad room connected to my neck.
they can live there, and shut the blinds forever.
I only humiliate myself, and sound like a fucking idiot.
so fuck everyone. with your fucking standards,
on how i should be. I dont want to be here anymore.
but i dont want to be their either. my dreamland is miserable.
its all gloom. and discontentment, with everything.
I wish i wanted to die. but i dont.
anyone in their right mind, in my situation should.
but i dont. i still hold onto the hope that someday i might have hope.
hahahahahahahahahahahaha. its so fucking retarded. god.
kfgb;iiiiiiiiiiguo'''fnh9't8eghnkfn//sdhigo'd fuckers
in general. ever. fuck my thoughts.
I should keep them barred away,
in the sad room connected to my neck.
they can live there, and shut the blinds forever.
I only humiliate myself, and sound like a fucking idiot.
so fuck everyone. with your fucking standards,
on how i should be. I dont want to be here anymore.
but i dont want to be their either. my dreamland is miserable.
its all gloom. and discontentment, with everything.
I wish i wanted to die. but i dont.
anyone in their right mind, in my situation should.
but i dont. i still hold onto the hope that someday i might have hope.
hahahahahahahahahahahaha. its so fucking retarded. god.
kfgb;iiiiiiiiiiguo'''fnh9't8eghnkfn//sdhigo'd fuckers
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
what?
bored with words that dont protray what the hell im trying to say.
clouds. the giant funky white devils of the sky.
nothing compares to how we really see. how we feel.
language is our most direct avenue of expression.
but there is a whole world that escapes words.
that words can only get a glimps of... but it never adds up.
there is this pool of mystery, things we will never be able to talk about,
or share with another. things we know so well, but cannot comprehend.
wrap our brain around. its cool, but so sad. so dissapointing.
there is so much magic in the life. how we interact,
its a beautiful thing. those times when two people are truely REAL with one another.
you experience it together. portaled into that other mystery land, away from the bullshit.
I got dajavoo the other day, and it was the most intense feeling...
and there was something big, old, and strange at my finger tips.
so many emotions... and no way to put words to it.
i will never be able to understand or describe what I felt.
what memories I was feeling for in the dark.
a past life. a recollection burried in my sub concious.
its something I will never be able to know.
my whole life I will continue to feel in the dark.
as will we all... stumbling. forever. feinding for something real.
clouds. the giant funky white devils of the sky.
nothing compares to how we really see. how we feel.
language is our most direct avenue of expression.
but there is a whole world that escapes words.
that words can only get a glimps of... but it never adds up.
there is this pool of mystery, things we will never be able to talk about,
or share with another. things we know so well, but cannot comprehend.
wrap our brain around. its cool, but so sad. so dissapointing.
there is so much magic in the life. how we interact,
its a beautiful thing. those times when two people are truely REAL with one another.
you experience it together. portaled into that other mystery land, away from the bullshit.
I got dajavoo the other day, and it was the most intense feeling...
and there was something big, old, and strange at my finger tips.
so many emotions... and no way to put words to it.
i will never be able to understand or describe what I felt.
what memories I was feeling for in the dark.
a past life. a recollection burried in my sub concious.
its something I will never be able to know.
my whole life I will continue to feel in the dark.
as will we all... stumbling. forever. feinding for something real.
why do i bother
writting about these assholes. god.
Ill spare you this one. save myself some dignity.
whatever.
Ill spare you this one. save myself some dignity.
whatever.
cravings
sometimes I think I might be happy.
onto something, small as a toenail clipping held between the fingers.
a tiny sliver of moon. a little snowflake of dust.
I look at it with such longing and pride.
waiting for it to blossom into something bigger.
just as I bend my head to the sky, breath deeply.
look down and find it gone. my hand is empty. my life incomplete.
the cinima inside my head rewinds to happier times. the only ive ever know.
I think of extacy. of molly. I think of coke. and meth. I think of speed.
I think of a rushing feeling. and sudden release. my tension CUT.
I think thats all ive ever wanted. its all I need.
onto something, small as a toenail clipping held between the fingers.
a tiny sliver of moon. a little snowflake of dust.
I look at it with such longing and pride.
waiting for it to blossom into something bigger.
just as I bend my head to the sky, breath deeply.
look down and find it gone. my hand is empty. my life incomplete.
the cinima inside my head rewinds to happier times. the only ive ever know.
I think of extacy. of molly. I think of coke. and meth. I think of speed.
I think of a rushing feeling. and sudden release. my tension CUT.
I think thats all ive ever wanted. its all I need.
just talk
splurge. "my egos like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it"
you dont know hell. not like everyone does. your own personal hell-
lives in your gut, that you experience entirely alone.
Ill tell you a little about mine. my mind is on a one way track-
it repeats itself like a child that isnt being heard.
obsessive. compulsive. I feel hollow, living from one sad lonely pleasure to another.
there is no reasoning. it wants pleasure, all the time. and settles for small fixes.
DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL OKAY.
GET HIGH. MAKE HIM LIKE YOU. BINGE. EAT. FUCK. THROW IT UP.
i am a prisoner to my disire, but there is no lust. no enjoyment.
just a pathetic pursuit to make one singular moment more barable.
Im not the person i pretend to be. and its evident when I lose my filter.
I resort to a nervous passive mess. my eyes cannot meet yours.
I wonder if you notice how fucking insecure I am.
If only I could see myself like they do. do they see???
do they know im begging for aproval every second in their company.
when im with someone I feel okay. everything I do is to just try to feel okay.
I dont want to be this way forever. I dont want to live like this.
but maybe theres beauty in hell. in fire. and pain. and self destruction.
its a twisted pleasure. its depression that loses luster. grey and murky, without love.
where is love? why am I always left out of the loop. and dont tell me its fucking normal to feel this way.
I dont want to be normal, in anyway. I like being my own entitee of chaos.
maybe thats why I refuse to change. to better myself.
subconsiously I am happy to sit in my misery.
my own filth feels good between the legs.
cleanliness is to mainstream for me.
you dont know hell. not like everyone does. your own personal hell-
lives in your gut, that you experience entirely alone.
Ill tell you a little about mine. my mind is on a one way track-
it repeats itself like a child that isnt being heard.
obsessive. compulsive. I feel hollow, living from one sad lonely pleasure to another.
there is no reasoning. it wants pleasure, all the time. and settles for small fixes.
DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL OKAY.
GET HIGH. MAKE HIM LIKE YOU. BINGE. EAT. FUCK. THROW IT UP.
i am a prisoner to my disire, but there is no lust. no enjoyment.
just a pathetic pursuit to make one singular moment more barable.
Im not the person i pretend to be. and its evident when I lose my filter.
I resort to a nervous passive mess. my eyes cannot meet yours.
I wonder if you notice how fucking insecure I am.
If only I could see myself like they do. do they see???
do they know im begging for aproval every second in their company.
when im with someone I feel okay. everything I do is to just try to feel okay.
I dont want to be this way forever. I dont want to live like this.
but maybe theres beauty in hell. in fire. and pain. and self destruction.
its a twisted pleasure. its depression that loses luster. grey and murky, without love.
where is love? why am I always left out of the loop. and dont tell me its fucking normal to feel this way.
I dont want to be normal, in anyway. I like being my own entitee of chaos.
maybe thats why I refuse to change. to better myself.
subconsiously I am happy to sit in my misery.
my own filth feels good between the legs.
cleanliness is to mainstream for me.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
I think im dying. a little.
in some places, so growth can exist in others.
showing syptoms of warm body syndrom.
still in love with the world, trying to break everyones heart-
but they get to me first. so my focus is reseeding onto more solid, more reliable passtimes.
Ive been drawing. reading. eating. sitting with misary, drugless and documenting it.
stole a string cheese the other day. walked up to walgreens to get toilet paper.
complusive gum chewer.
showing syptoms of warm body syndrom.
still in love with the world, trying to break everyones heart-
but they get to me first. so my focus is reseeding onto more solid, more reliable passtimes.
Ive been drawing. reading. eating. sitting with misary, drugless and documenting it.
stole a string cheese the other day. walked up to walgreens to get toilet paper.
complusive gum chewer.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
first post in a while
Ive moved up to Lynnwood with my mom and her boyfriend adam,
and so far things are going well. I lost complete control over everything-
but its dripping back to life. I am stronger now. I no longer cringe with fear.
I got arrested two weeks ago for a run away charge, and posession of cocaine.
having spent the night before convulsing, dry heaving in a garage-
abused, left in the cold, needing to put out in order for that asshole
to let me sleep somewhere warm and dry. I was hallucinating, and hearing voices.
couldnt tell if I had overdosed, or was just sick and withdrawling already.
So I was happy to sleep in a cell for a night. happy to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
happy to be warm, and safe, and away from the things that got me there.
When the officers called my grandparents- they refused to pick me up.
all my other family memebers also refused, or where unable to come.
So the officers called my grandparents again and got permission to let me leave on my own.
they gave me a bus pass, and my shoes, and belongings, pointing me to the door.
I went down town and met up with my "boyfriend" whom I had met for the first time the day before.
he held me, with such convincing emotion saying how badly he missed and worried for me.
we say down, I was thinking. he spoke up "we shouldnt get the morning after pill, I think you should keep the baby if your pregnant. I want a family" I told him no of corse, and realised he was crazier than I was. but spoke down to me in a way that seemed like he knew. very...paternal and stern. all knowing. It was comforting, and I would find myself weaker listening to him, forgeting my better judgment, considering things I shouldnt be considering. My grandparents letting me go was the greatest thing anyone had ever done for me. That night I slept under a bridge and whatched bumbs shoot up. Angelo held me, and we fucked in the cold. seporatly, my back to his chest, and I just layed there. staring at the sleeping junkies. unaware of what the fuck was happening to my life. he was always such a selfish lover. I provided a hole to fill, and he neglected everyother part of me. such shitty sex. The next day I was craving some speed so badly I began to cry, I left angelo- told him I was done and he got angry and walked out of my life. I felt so much more capable on my own but without him I recieved a lot of unwanted attention. a man smoked me a joint and then asked for sex, another tried to lure me into chinatown prostitution. I became sick again and started shaking and crying. needed drugs more than anything- but the lifestyle was to frightening alone. I came to a train station and aproached one of the ticket salesmen. he let me call my mom and as soon as I got on the phone I began to sob. He bought me a train ticket and asked me if I had seen pay it forward. I said yes and promised to turn my life around, and mumbled some other dopey shit, and he said he had no idea what I was talking about- but I should get an id card. I said ok and borded the train. I got to seattle on wed and was miserable. I tried to forget everything but the memories where on loop. sober, I could recall things with a better understanding. I had been drugged, and raped in his bedroom- but didnt understand it at the time. "no im to high to fuck, i cant do this" and he says "no, your not to high" the speed he gave me made it to where I couldnt move. the next day we acted like it didnt happen. maybe he was suprised when it didnt phaze me but my self respect was so low it really didnt. it didnt seem unusual at the time that I would say no and he would keep going. hes a guy, hes horney, were still friends. Thinking about it became to much and I left my moms appartment sunday night looking for trouble. made my way to a hotel room with two guys and smoked meth. we drank beer, and then I got fingered by whats his name. he couldnt go through with sex because Im closer in age to his kid than him. but he tried again, and I said no he has his chance I was done. his concience battling his balls. "...it turns me on when you say no" but he couldnt do anything about it. I left, came home feeling ill with myself. I got drunk, and apparently went off on this rampage about how I needed a guy who could treat me like shit. use me. these guys are all pussies. when I got home I tried to hid it, but had to explain to my mother what had happend. she said she wasnt angry. she tried to get me to eat, and gave me a trazadone cuz I was incapable of sleep. now its been six days scince I have used. I feel better about myself each day, and am regaining clarity and peace of mind. I dont know why it was nessicary for things to get to such a dark and low point- but it was something I had to experience. self destruction followed through until the last bad thing I could possibly have done to myself was suicide. which would have been a fucking relief. but Ive survived. Im listening. Im breathing. Ive gotten it all out of my system, so the internal rumbling is still. so tierd of drugs, and disgusting sex. Im do yoga now, and whatch tv. I dont go out much, or at all. you could say im hiding. burrowed away from it all, but its better than the alternative.
and so far things are going well. I lost complete control over everything-
but its dripping back to life. I am stronger now. I no longer cringe with fear.
I got arrested two weeks ago for a run away charge, and posession of cocaine.
having spent the night before convulsing, dry heaving in a garage-
abused, left in the cold, needing to put out in order for that asshole
to let me sleep somewhere warm and dry. I was hallucinating, and hearing voices.
couldnt tell if I had overdosed, or was just sick and withdrawling already.
So I was happy to sleep in a cell for a night. happy to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
happy to be warm, and safe, and away from the things that got me there.
When the officers called my grandparents- they refused to pick me up.
all my other family memebers also refused, or where unable to come.
So the officers called my grandparents again and got permission to let me leave on my own.
they gave me a bus pass, and my shoes, and belongings, pointing me to the door.
I went down town and met up with my "boyfriend" whom I had met for the first time the day before.
he held me, with such convincing emotion saying how badly he missed and worried for me.
we say down, I was thinking. he spoke up "we shouldnt get the morning after pill, I think you should keep the baby if your pregnant. I want a family" I told him no of corse, and realised he was crazier than I was. but spoke down to me in a way that seemed like he knew. very...paternal and stern. all knowing. It was comforting, and I would find myself weaker listening to him, forgeting my better judgment, considering things I shouldnt be considering. My grandparents letting me go was the greatest thing anyone had ever done for me. That night I slept under a bridge and whatched bumbs shoot up. Angelo held me, and we fucked in the cold. seporatly, my back to his chest, and I just layed there. staring at the sleeping junkies. unaware of what the fuck was happening to my life. he was always such a selfish lover. I provided a hole to fill, and he neglected everyother part of me. such shitty sex. The next day I was craving some speed so badly I began to cry, I left angelo- told him I was done and he got angry and walked out of my life. I felt so much more capable on my own but without him I recieved a lot of unwanted attention. a man smoked me a joint and then asked for sex, another tried to lure me into chinatown prostitution. I became sick again and started shaking and crying. needed drugs more than anything- but the lifestyle was to frightening alone. I came to a train station and aproached one of the ticket salesmen. he let me call my mom and as soon as I got on the phone I began to sob. He bought me a train ticket and asked me if I had seen pay it forward. I said yes and promised to turn my life around, and mumbled some other dopey shit, and he said he had no idea what I was talking about- but I should get an id card. I said ok and borded the train. I got to seattle on wed and was miserable. I tried to forget everything but the memories where on loop. sober, I could recall things with a better understanding. I had been drugged, and raped in his bedroom- but didnt understand it at the time. "no im to high to fuck, i cant do this" and he says "no, your not to high" the speed he gave me made it to where I couldnt move. the next day we acted like it didnt happen. maybe he was suprised when it didnt phaze me but my self respect was so low it really didnt. it didnt seem unusual at the time that I would say no and he would keep going. hes a guy, hes horney, were still friends. Thinking about it became to much and I left my moms appartment sunday night looking for trouble. made my way to a hotel room with two guys and smoked meth. we drank beer, and then I got fingered by whats his name. he couldnt go through with sex because Im closer in age to his kid than him. but he tried again, and I said no he has his chance I was done. his concience battling his balls. "...it turns me on when you say no" but he couldnt do anything about it. I left, came home feeling ill with myself. I got drunk, and apparently went off on this rampage about how I needed a guy who could treat me like shit. use me. these guys are all pussies. when I got home I tried to hid it, but had to explain to my mother what had happend. she said she wasnt angry. she tried to get me to eat, and gave me a trazadone cuz I was incapable of sleep. now its been six days scince I have used. I feel better about myself each day, and am regaining clarity and peace of mind. I dont know why it was nessicary for things to get to such a dark and low point- but it was something I had to experience. self destruction followed through until the last bad thing I could possibly have done to myself was suicide. which would have been a fucking relief. but Ive survived. Im listening. Im breathing. Ive gotten it all out of my system, so the internal rumbling is still. so tierd of drugs, and disgusting sex. Im do yoga now, and whatch tv. I dont go out much, or at all. you could say im hiding. burrowed away from it all, but its better than the alternative.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
i still hate my life
on the hunt for some co co co cocaineeeeeeeee.
im my brainnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
everything hurts. I just wanna die.
maybe if I was pregnant Id have an excuse to call him.
I was doing so well, but sitting at the bus stop in the sun-
memories flooded back. and I need to get out of this fucking house.
I dont want to be here anymore. I dont want to be anywhere.
started shaking today during break, and I think everyone noticed.
I dont give a fuck. Im loosing my mind. Life feels more like a video game than anything.
pixels that mean nothing. no one has feelings. everyone has an agenda, and a mission-
and will fuck you over on their way. The acid I took yesterday has made my thoughts so blurry.
ontop of an already pending unstable mind set, It helped little.
coke though. thats just warm and fuzzy.
no worries.
no worries.
no worries.
finally got a good hookup through Raven,
so tomorow ima be on that shit like fuckn flies on honey.
You think im depressed?
You think im suicidle?
nahhhh. its mexican soup for dinner.
Im not passing that up.
im my brainnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
everything hurts. I just wanna die.
maybe if I was pregnant Id have an excuse to call him.
I was doing so well, but sitting at the bus stop in the sun-
memories flooded back. and I need to get out of this fucking house.
I dont want to be here anymore. I dont want to be anywhere.
started shaking today during break, and I think everyone noticed.
I dont give a fuck. Im loosing my mind. Life feels more like a video game than anything.
pixels that mean nothing. no one has feelings. everyone has an agenda, and a mission-
and will fuck you over on their way. The acid I took yesterday has made my thoughts so blurry.
ontop of an already pending unstable mind set, It helped little.
coke though. thats just warm and fuzzy.
no worries.
no worries.
no worries.
finally got a good hookup through Raven,
so tomorow ima be on that shit like fuckn flies on honey.
You think im depressed?
You think im suicidle?
nahhhh. its mexican soup for dinner.
Im not passing that up.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
new focus
doug has lost power over me.
I want nothing to do with him.
these relationships im in have
NOTHING to do with the other person.
I dont think I give a fuck about a single human being.
I just dont want to be lonely. and that makes me feel awful.
I only use people. and I dont play it well.
I want nothing to do with him.
these relationships im in have
NOTHING to do with the other person.
I dont think I give a fuck about a single human being.
I just dont want to be lonely. and that makes me feel awful.
I only use people. and I dont play it well.
my impulses tell me to bail.
I want to hide from everyone.
I feel transparent, my face only a dirty window-
looking into anxiety. I hate myself.
I hate the veiw I see looking in or out.
I get wierd. I fear people so much.
and I know Im not the person Im trying to be.
I have to much hesitance, but naturaully I have no social grace.
I would rather sit and say nothing, than take a chance at rejection.
I brag to make myself seem like the things I do are okay.
skipped school today to drop acid with some kids I hardly know.
half way though i kept feeling like they were judging me,
and didnt want me there anymore. so i shut down.
I couldnt look anyone in the eye. I couldnt get comforatble.
didnt know who to talk to. where my place was.
my hair was greasy, and everything just felt wrong.
Im weak, and cannot stand up. Im just doing the same shit over and over,
waiting for it to get better. waiting to feel okay around people.
I want to hide from everyone.
I feel transparent, my face only a dirty window-
looking into anxiety. I hate myself.
I hate the veiw I see looking in or out.
I get wierd. I fear people so much.
and I know Im not the person Im trying to be.
I have to much hesitance, but naturaully I have no social grace.
I would rather sit and say nothing, than take a chance at rejection.
I brag to make myself seem like the things I do are okay.
skipped school today to drop acid with some kids I hardly know.
half way though i kept feeling like they were judging me,
and didnt want me there anymore. so i shut down.
I couldnt look anyone in the eye. I couldnt get comforatble.
didnt know who to talk to. where my place was.
my hair was greasy, and everything just felt wrong.
Im weak, and cannot stand up. Im just doing the same shit over and over,
waiting for it to get better. waiting to feel okay around people.
now what
turn the computer off. get some water.
eat chocolate. come down stairs.
lay on the couch. fall asleap to tv.
wake up and call annie for a ride.
fix my hair. get smoked out by raven and monty.
do whatever the fuck i feel like.
dont hold back. but keep heart cold,
under lock and key.
eat chocolate. come down stairs.
lay on the couch. fall asleap to tv.
wake up and call annie for a ride.
fix my hair. get smoked out by raven and monty.
do whatever the fuck i feel like.
dont hold back. but keep heart cold,
under lock and key.
same shit different post. I promise ill get over this soon.
your lurking in my deepest regrets,
seeped into the bloodstream,
of putrid memories.
you lied. and its poisoning.
were fucking sick. I love to much, and you seem incapable.
Its amazing how fast you snapped.
Stopped being the dog and turned into a wolf.
wanting meat. to shred and hold between your teeth.
you taste not, only enjoying the sent of pain.
There are things now that make me cringe.
The flickers of detachment I saw in you.
putting your hand against my throat,
like choking me was the best way to get you off.
Abusing power, my absolute willingness to do anything for you.
then switching back to this nerdy imature demenoure.
like you could have been so weak and insecure.
Now she has her hand on your chest.
and you look like one cocky mother fucker. but im trying to moving on.
The wolves come out at night, its some awful process,
The wolves come out at night. yet neccisary. this hurt.
out to kill. out to fuck. but its normal to hurt.
leaving one feeling I can recall the sweet things he said..
worthless. I can forgive and tell myself they can still be true
degraded. move on It wasnt just a ploy. and all bloodied. trouble he went through, all the lies without was an amazing effort-
hope. all just to get inside me.
he thought i was special in one way.
even if that was all.
I wonder if he misses me.
seeped into the bloodstream,
of putrid memories.
you lied. and its poisoning.
were fucking sick. I love to much, and you seem incapable.
Its amazing how fast you snapped.
Stopped being the dog and turned into a wolf.
wanting meat. to shred and hold between your teeth.
you taste not, only enjoying the sent of pain.
There are things now that make me cringe.
The flickers of detachment I saw in you.
putting your hand against my throat,
like choking me was the best way to get you off.
Abusing power, my absolute willingness to do anything for you.
then switching back to this nerdy imature demenoure.
like you could have been so weak and insecure.
Now she has her hand on your chest.
and you look like one cocky mother fucker. but im trying to moving on.
The wolves come out at night, its some awful process,
The wolves come out at night. yet neccisary. this hurt.
out to kill. out to fuck. but its normal to hurt.
leaving one feeling I can recall the sweet things he said..
worthless. I can forgive and tell myself they can still be true
degraded. move on It wasnt just a ploy. and all bloodied. trouble he went through, all the lies without was an amazing effort-
hope. all just to get inside me.
he thought i was special in one way.
even if that was all.
I wonder if he misses me.
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