you stole my only chance of happiness.
I had the picture in my head, of how it would be.
you could have been my best friend.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I just want you back
treat me like shit.
you were never rough enough.
I need someone who can handle abuse.
I cant do this on my own, and i cant sit still without pain.
I need sorrw to fill absence. like an emotional cutter.
beat the shit out of me. degrade me.
just take me back. I dont care.
im drink enough to tell you,
if only you would call.
wish i could cry.
no one understands what I have to go through each day.
the knawing dog, cracking the bones of my serenity.
I cannot do anything. I do not exist.
I need harder drugs. honestly,
I dont give a fuck. nothings working,
and this feeling will never pass.
this is my entire life, in one moment.
unbarable, and addicted to the feeling of being wanted.
unable to get drunk or high enough to forget.
petrified to call. tail between the legs.
bent over, ready to be used.
out of tears. to high to be alone.
disgusted with myself.
so lost.
you were never rough enough.
I need someone who can handle abuse.
I cant do this on my own, and i cant sit still without pain.
I need sorrw to fill absence. like an emotional cutter.
beat the shit out of me. degrade me.
just take me back. I dont care.
im drink enough to tell you,
if only you would call.
wish i could cry.
no one understands what I have to go through each day.
the knawing dog, cracking the bones of my serenity.
I cannot do anything. I do not exist.
I need harder drugs. honestly,
I dont give a fuck. nothings working,
and this feeling will never pass.
this is my entire life, in one moment.
unbarable, and addicted to the feeling of being wanted.
unable to get drunk or high enough to forget.
petrified to call. tail between the legs.
bent over, ready to be used.
out of tears. to high to be alone.
disgusted with myself.
so lost.
have your fun
with the only place I can be hurt.
I crawl twords the one thing Ive got.
the only thing that seems satisfying.
I kissed him thinking it would mean recovery.
mean that it didnt matter, what you did.
but it still hurts. the kiss wasnt the same.
as the slow motion, of falling for someone I thought mattered.
you had me in a bliss, a darkness crying throught the trees.
like a salty romance, that felt so absolutly right.
I could have been there for the rest of my life. because Im afraid of anthing else.
other guys make me miss you. they dont talk like you. think like you. hold me the way you did.
so thats it. hu? thats all we were. its an invasion of my sacred place.
my cell of love members. that clung to you like water on skin. you killed me.
and I dont know why this always seems to be the case. only strengthens my feelings-
of only being good for a fuck. It wasnt that hard, you didnt have to twist my emotions,
into a fucking wreckage just to get into my pants. you men make it a fucking art form,
the way you can so easily manipulate to get what you want.
did you like me in the palm of your hand? only to drop me like a roach,
your to high to smoke. I hate you. I hate what youve dont to me.
but I would do anything to have that feeling again.
Im a sick puppy. I cant help but love to strongly.
but im just a girl, Im so inexperienced with these things.
I can make your eyes roll to the back of your head,
but cant make you stick around. your friends give you high fives?
you tell them how sad I became. but what a good fuck.
how you hurt me, walked away and never looked back.
the thing is, your back on the search.
In my desperation, my fucking cluelessness for how someone could hurt so effortlessly,
i saw. youve been hitting up other girls. flirtatious little facebook comments.
they have no idea, what a complete asshole you are. and it makes me wonder,
if this is your soul source of action. no interst in love...
but you play it so well.
I crawl twords the one thing Ive got.
the only thing that seems satisfying.
I kissed him thinking it would mean recovery.
mean that it didnt matter, what you did.
but it still hurts. the kiss wasnt the same.
as the slow motion, of falling for someone I thought mattered.
you had me in a bliss, a darkness crying throught the trees.
like a salty romance, that felt so absolutly right.
I could have been there for the rest of my life. because Im afraid of anthing else.
other guys make me miss you. they dont talk like you. think like you. hold me the way you did.
so thats it. hu? thats all we were. its an invasion of my sacred place.
my cell of love members. that clung to you like water on skin. you killed me.
and I dont know why this always seems to be the case. only strengthens my feelings-
of only being good for a fuck. It wasnt that hard, you didnt have to twist my emotions,
into a fucking wreckage just to get into my pants. you men make it a fucking art form,
the way you can so easily manipulate to get what you want.
did you like me in the palm of your hand? only to drop me like a roach,
your to high to smoke. I hate you. I hate what youve dont to me.
but I would do anything to have that feeling again.
Im a sick puppy. I cant help but love to strongly.
but im just a girl, Im so inexperienced with these things.
I can make your eyes roll to the back of your head,
but cant make you stick around. your friends give you high fives?
you tell them how sad I became. but what a good fuck.
how you hurt me, walked away and never looked back.
the thing is, your back on the search.
In my desperation, my fucking cluelessness for how someone could hurt so effortlessly,
i saw. youve been hitting up other girls. flirtatious little facebook comments.
they have no idea, what a complete asshole you are. and it makes me wonder,
if this is your soul source of action. no interst in love...
but you play it so well.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
ANGER
FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUUU.
DONT FUCKING GET INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP IF YOUR NOT READY. YOU MESSED WITH MY HEAD AND MADE ME THINK THAT I MENT SOMETHING TO YOU. BUT YOUR JUST A FUCKN PUSSSYYYYY. IVE TURNED GUYS DOWN, THINKING THERE WAS SOME KIND OF HOPE WITH US. IVE BEEN FAITHFUL, AND PATIENT. AND YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. YOU DONT CARE. YOU DONT WANT TO SEE ME. NOW THAT SEX IS OUT OF THE PICTURE THIS IS THE LONGEST YOUVE GONE WITHOUT CALLING. WHY YOU GOTTA BE SUCH A FUCKN DUCHE?
DONT FUCKING GET INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP IF YOUR NOT READY. YOU MESSED WITH MY HEAD AND MADE ME THINK THAT I MENT SOMETHING TO YOU. BUT YOUR JUST A FUCKN PUSSSYYYYY. IVE TURNED GUYS DOWN, THINKING THERE WAS SOME KIND OF HOPE WITH US. IVE BEEN FAITHFUL, AND PATIENT. AND YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. YOU DONT CARE. YOU DONT WANT TO SEE ME. NOW THAT SEX IS OUT OF THE PICTURE THIS IS THE LONGEST YOUVE GONE WITHOUT CALLING. WHY YOU GOTTA BE SUCH A FUCKN DUCHE?
its humiliating. to be that girl.
who gets to attached. and cant keep her cool.
cant play my cards right, and have some self control.
when I love, it is fully and passionate.
I cant slow down, even if what we have is just in my head.
because YOUU dont actually exist, do you?
that which I crave from you is only an illusion ive created.
you were a template. I saw a future. the person I wanted you to be.
The way I wanted you to make me feel. but it aint like that.
dont people know how fucking sensitive I am?
how easily hurt?? cant you give me a break.
I hate hurting. Its so disgusting.
I cant sit still. but have no motivation to move.
i just want to lie here and hate myself.
hate you. hate. hate. hate. errbody. errything.
cuz its all just one big trap to fuck you over.
guess in the end thats all it is. but its the good stuff that counts.
the blissful periods inbetween the suffering. but those good times,
are what makes the downfall so painful. remebering. wishing.
then meeting reality. spitting in its face. and falling to your knees.
no way to win with this one.
who gets to attached. and cant keep her cool.
cant play my cards right, and have some self control.
when I love, it is fully and passionate.
I cant slow down, even if what we have is just in my head.
because YOUU dont actually exist, do you?
that which I crave from you is only an illusion ive created.
you were a template. I saw a future. the person I wanted you to be.
The way I wanted you to make me feel. but it aint like that.
dont people know how fucking sensitive I am?
how easily hurt?? cant you give me a break.
I hate hurting. Its so disgusting.
I cant sit still. but have no motivation to move.
i just want to lie here and hate myself.
hate you. hate. hate. hate. errbody. errything.
cuz its all just one big trap to fuck you over.
guess in the end thats all it is. but its the good stuff that counts.
the blissful periods inbetween the suffering. but those good times,
are what makes the downfall so painful. remebering. wishing.
then meeting reality. spitting in its face. and falling to your knees.
no way to win with this one.
you make me wanna
throw up. stab someone in the face. sit in the dark. paint it black. eat garbage. post millions of blogs. be alone. sulk. punch things. scream. smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. get really high. avoid romance movies. kill things. listen to wilco. yell at puppies. rip things. bite things. cry. whatch a marathon of bush speaches. write letters in blood. pull my hair out. burn your shorts. wear your shorts. cry in your shorts. have sex with someone else while in your shorts. eat bacon. throw up again, I hate bacon. call my mom. spend hours on facebook. check your status repeatedly. do acid. give myself brain damage. drink bleach. drink whiskey. play the same song over and over. even though I know it only makes things worse. beat myself up. not look in the mirror. try sleeping. tell myself its going to be alright. not believe it. wait for a call. stay up to late. sleep all day. not get out of bed. whatch to much tv. get sick of tv. miss you. hate everything. push people away. harbor serious trust issues.
I fucking hate
sleeping alone.
its the worste.
I have to get high just so I can stand the lonliness.
so fucking neurotic.
haha. im a mess.
its not all bad, I swear.
I just focus on the negative.
its the worste.
I have to get high just so I can stand the lonliness.
so fucking neurotic.
haha. im a mess.
its not all bad, I swear.
I just focus on the negative.
no no no. everything is wrong again
what makes me upset is how I handled this.
I shouldnt have sent the stupid text,
cuz now he is gunna know how important it is to me,
and how much I care and it bothers me.
he can snap my self worth in half effortlessly.
I have to prepare myself for whats next.
a lot of pain, I can feel it.
this is going to hurt. close your eyes.
get it over with, like peeling a band aid.
Im not gunna dwel on this. I cant.
my heart wont take it.
I shouldnt have sent the stupid text,
cuz now he is gunna know how important it is to me,
and how much I care and it bothers me.
he can snap my self worth in half effortlessly.
I have to prepare myself for whats next.
a lot of pain, I can feel it.
this is going to hurt. close your eyes.
get it over with, like peeling a band aid.
Im not gunna dwel on this. I cant.
my heart wont take it.
to doug 12:43 in the morning
"If your not gunna call me, maybe we should just be friends. Making me think you care, then not hearing from you just fucks w my head so i give up"
...no response
you got played fool. he doesnt give a fuck.
its just that, our last kiss was so tender, so vulnerable.
now hes got all the power and its making me squirm.
I am completly at his mercy. luckily the first talk of rejection is coming from me.
so Ive regained some control. I just dont understand.
I fucking gave him the option of fucking no emotions attached.
but noooo. "I like youu" its not like that.
so why. why why why.
I dont know what the fuck is going through his head,
but he isnt ready for any of this. weve been seeing eachother for two weeks and its already way to complicated. i fell to fast, and to hard. he obviously didnt, but I expect more of him.
I dont want to find anyone else.
I dont want to fuck anyone else.
Im done with that, I just want some stability.
and he is not providing.
first alex, now him. why am I always getting hurt.
left behind. abandoned.
...no response
you got played fool. he doesnt give a fuck.
its just that, our last kiss was so tender, so vulnerable.
now hes got all the power and its making me squirm.
I am completly at his mercy. luckily the first talk of rejection is coming from me.
so Ive regained some control. I just dont understand.
I fucking gave him the option of fucking no emotions attached.
but noooo. "I like youu" its not like that.
so why. why why why.
I dont know what the fuck is going through his head,
but he isnt ready for any of this. weve been seeing eachother for two weeks and its already way to complicated. i fell to fast, and to hard. he obviously didnt, but I expect more of him.
I dont want to find anyone else.
I dont want to fuck anyone else.
Im done with that, I just want some stability.
and he is not providing.
first alex, now him. why am I always getting hurt.
left behind. abandoned.
Friday, October 29, 2010
daily agenda
I dont even want to fucking do anything today.
gunna walk up to bumb a cigg.
then walk back home.
gunna walk up to bumb a cigg.
then walk back home.
his facebook post
my once iron shell that represents my fear and blocks my love has been worn down to a mere egg shell.. my instincts are to retreat before its to late and have no choice but to surrender my heart, as the shell of another is untouched and my fear grows strong yet weak, I sit in confutation realizing im so weak that my he...art is exposed and hers for the taking but I well hurt my self be for any one get the chance agene.
wtf does it mean.
wtf does it mean.
deep seeded hate for men
this just isnt gunna work out.
hes obviously not interested,
and I hate the way Ive become one of those clingy woman,
expecting him to call when he doesnt want to.
bitching at him. pleeding for him to care.
my self respesct sits passivly in the corner.
completly useless, and small.
I dont care, you can do anything to me.
You are my salvation. I trust you with everything.
its his arms I miss the most. Dark Hawaiin skin,
Tight broad shoulders, he would hold me with both arms.
squeese me so closely it was hard to breath.
softly kissing the back of my neck, then falling asleap.
I think its the only time ive ever felt okay.
now im left with the fucking emptyness.
so fucking empty.
So today I will fix my make up, do my hair,
wear something black.
and forget him.
Im worth caring about.
hes obviously not interested,
and I hate the way Ive become one of those clingy woman,
expecting him to call when he doesnt want to.
bitching at him. pleeding for him to care.
my self respesct sits passivly in the corner.
completly useless, and small.
I dont care, you can do anything to me.
You are my salvation. I trust you with everything.
its his arms I miss the most. Dark Hawaiin skin,
Tight broad shoulders, he would hold me with both arms.
squeese me so closely it was hard to breath.
softly kissing the back of my neck, then falling asleap.
I think its the only time ive ever felt okay.
now im left with the fucking emptyness.
so fucking empty.
So today I will fix my make up, do my hair,
wear something black.
and forget him.
Im worth caring about.
who loves the rain
It hurts even more when im high.
now I dont even know how to process it.
I cant think logicly it just feels catastrophic.
the mountins are crashing down, and the sky is reseeding into space.
I am nowhere, you are everywhere. how do we peice this back together.
my self esteem torn by the seem.
its fucked up. If you just called I could explain. I didnt know.
there is still hope that you will call. but its sliping with the clock ticking.
If you let me down, I will find another.
pack my sore love pocket, my empty cigarette carton, my lost self.
I will pick up all that you let fall down. you let me down.
when reliant on another, i will always be dissapointed.
no one can keep me happy. no one can love me enough.
and even though he's rejected me. I keep my dignity.
(until he calls and everything okay agian.)
you see, emtional health is an absolute last resort.
now I dont even know how to process it.
I cant think logicly it just feels catastrophic.
the mountins are crashing down, and the sky is reseeding into space.
I am nowhere, you are everywhere. how do we peice this back together.
my self esteem torn by the seem.
its fucked up. If you just called I could explain. I didnt know.
there is still hope that you will call. but its sliping with the clock ticking.
If you let me down, I will find another.
pack my sore love pocket, my empty cigarette carton, my lost self.
I will pick up all that you let fall down. you let me down.
when reliant on another, i will always be dissapointed.
no one can keep me happy. no one can love me enough.
and even though he's rejected me. I keep my dignity.
(until he calls and everything okay agian.)
you see, emtional health is an absolute last resort.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
boredom
take me away
me away take me away take me take me away
ta ke take me
away
away away
take m take me away
take me away e
take me away
take me away
take me away take me away take me
take me away take me away away take
take me away
take me away
me away take me away take me take me away
ta ke take me
away
away away
take m take me away
take me away e
take me away
take me away
take me away take me away take me
take me away take me away away take
take me away
take me away
I want to leave these people
Fuck my family.
their ignorance regarding the situation is outstanding.
got in the car with my dad last night, assuming my grandmother hadnt told him.
"were gunna ask you to wash your hands very well, and dont interact with the kids at all until your desiese is gone, we dont want them to catch anything"
their ignorance regarding the situation is outstanding.
got in the car with my dad last night, assuming my grandmother hadnt told him.
"were gunna ask you to wash your hands very well, and dont interact with the kids at all until your desiese is gone, we dont want them to catch anything"
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
the world is colapsing
I called.
he said thank you for telling him, and he was sorry.
I left it at that. and hung up.
I got the medication, four pills.
which ment I actually had to eat something.
which was a shame. I cant let my mind sit alone.
I need to occupy myself, or the disgust kills me.
I hate myself. I am so detached.
so fucking frantic. I just want to leave.
float away somewhere alone,
and never have to feel anything.
he said thank you for telling him, and he was sorry.
I left it at that. and hung up.
I got the medication, four pills.
which ment I actually had to eat something.
which was a shame. I cant let my mind sit alone.
I need to occupy myself, or the disgust kills me.
I hate myself. I am so detached.
so fucking frantic. I just want to leave.
float away somewhere alone,
and never have to feel anything.
I feel absolutly sick.
never thought this would happen to me.
not me. not me. not me.
got my results back,
and I still dont even have the guts to call him.
he fucking ruined me. everything I had he took from me.
I always felt alex was part of my life, a fundemental charecter to my story.
he was. i will never forget how badly he burnt me.
his indifference. completly emotionless.
It will always haunt me. like the murderer standing calmly over suffering victems.
without a care in the world, but absolute misery in their smile.
His reaction is what makes me afraid. I dont want to give him another oppurtunity to be an asshole.
but I need to tell him. I dont know who he's fucking, but he should know what he has.
how do things get so fucked up.
so wrong. everything is so wrong.
never thought this would happen to me.
not me. not me. not me.
got my results back,
and I still dont even have the guts to call him.
he fucking ruined me. everything I had he took from me.
I always felt alex was part of my life, a fundemental charecter to my story.
he was. i will never forget how badly he burnt me.
his indifference. completly emotionless.
It will always haunt me. like the murderer standing calmly over suffering victems.
without a care in the world, but absolute misery in their smile.
His reaction is what makes me afraid. I dont want to give him another oppurtunity to be an asshole.
but I need to tell him. I dont know who he's fucking, but he should know what he has.
how do things get so fucked up.
so wrong. everything is so wrong.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I over reacted.
he called tonight and appologized.
I acted indifferent. casual.
he got a job working at the airport.
which is great. but I wont get to see him as much.
he asked if I wanted to hang out tonight.
I said yeah, but we would have to stay around here because I lost my house key.
he promised to call me when he got home. alright. its chill.
I hate the way Im dependent on someone to feel okay.
earlier today I was a mess, because i didnt think he cared.
I didnt understand why. I rehersed in my head all the things I did wrong.
trying to see things from him perspective, hyperfocused on my flaws.
now things feel managable. my self esteem intact.
Today was a wierd day though. I woke up after only four hours of sleep,
was late for school, and threw up at the bus stop. haha.
took an ADD pill to try and wake up, but it only made my body feel shakey and worn,
and my mind skattered. I texted doug, but he never responded.
I made it to CCC but was late, and sick. so I never went in to class.
Got on the 33, and went to back to oak grove.
waited at the stop till ten, then went shopping at the dig.
tried on some shirts, bought one for 3 dollars.
walked home, and took a hot shower.
layed down and took a nap.
woke up and bought a five bowl from my neighbor.
called doug, and he said hed call me tonight after work at 8.
and he remembered! haha.
shit.
he called tonight and appologized.
I acted indifferent. casual.
he got a job working at the airport.
which is great. but I wont get to see him as much.
he asked if I wanted to hang out tonight.
I said yeah, but we would have to stay around here because I lost my house key.
he promised to call me when he got home. alright. its chill.
I hate the way Im dependent on someone to feel okay.
earlier today I was a mess, because i didnt think he cared.
I didnt understand why. I rehersed in my head all the things I did wrong.
trying to see things from him perspective, hyperfocused on my flaws.
now things feel managable. my self esteem intact.
Today was a wierd day though. I woke up after only four hours of sleep,
was late for school, and threw up at the bus stop. haha.
took an ADD pill to try and wake up, but it only made my body feel shakey and worn,
and my mind skattered. I texted doug, but he never responded.
I made it to CCC but was late, and sick. so I never went in to class.
Got on the 33, and went to back to oak grove.
waited at the stop till ten, then went shopping at the dig.
tried on some shirts, bought one for 3 dollars.
walked home, and took a hot shower.
layed down and took a nap.
woke up and bought a five bowl from my neighbor.
called doug, and he said hed call me tonight after work at 8.
and he remembered! haha.
shit.
Monday, October 25, 2010
even my fucking rebound doesnt give a shit
he hasnt called in two days.
he bailed on me saterday.
and I bitched him out.
now nothing.
alone.
q
u
e whyy.
s he doesnt
t care.
i the way I want him to.
o
n
i
n
g
he bailed on me saterday.
and I bitched him out.
now nothing.
alone.
q
u
e whyy.
s he doesnt
t care.
i the way I want him to.
o
n
i
n
g
aftermath
having some lady problems.
started crying in the doctors office.
dont get results until tomorow.
but showing symptoms of chlamydia.
the fucked up thing is, my life could be drasticly altered.
and ive only had sex with two guys scince my last test.
neither give a shit about me.
wasnt fucking worth it.
and it hurts.
started crying in the doctors office.
dont get results until tomorow.
but showing symptoms of chlamydia.
the fucked up thing is, my life could be drasticly altered.
and ive only had sex with two guys scince my last test.
neither give a shit about me.
wasnt fucking worth it.
and it hurts.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
my sunday
just had a relaxed day with amanda and cheli.
got baked out of my mind, made a dank breakfast,
got dropped off from amandas. came home.
layed down. my sad heart. underwaerbreathing.
I thought of him. and listed my options like arnold in terminator.
what the fuck do I say to this guy, to get what I want.
but cheli texted me, and we were both bored...
so we thought our bordem would be more enjoyable together.
we sat in rocking chairs on the deck, as she ate soup.
and I drank a glass of water with a straw. we talked about Doug.
and she said I should call. but I refuse to.
If he wants me, he will call. If he doesnt care enough to call,
I dont want it to seem like I really do care. If he calls its my green light.
(this is my fucked up logic) I think like this constantly and its exhausting.
Then we came downstairs and looked up youtube videos.
sat on the front porch and smoked my last bowl while listening to 'Dryer Maker' Led Zep.
came inside and played games on her phone for like an hour.
laughing our balls off, and being completly useless at it.
it was 9:00 and thats my cut off time for having people over,
so I walked her up to River Road, in a violent rain.
wearing a pair of spandex and a tee shirt.
we ate pomagranate seeds out of the peel,
and threw them empty onto the road.
Cheli is my favorite person to do nothing with.
and these kinds of days are so much better,
then the alternate ways I try to spend my time.
got baked out of my mind, made a dank breakfast,
got dropped off from amandas. came home.
layed down. my sad heart. underwaerbreathing.
I thought of him. and listed my options like arnold in terminator.
what the fuck do I say to this guy, to get what I want.
but cheli texted me, and we were both bored...
so we thought our bordem would be more enjoyable together.
we sat in rocking chairs on the deck, as she ate soup.
and I drank a glass of water with a straw. we talked about Doug.
and she said I should call. but I refuse to.
If he wants me, he will call. If he doesnt care enough to call,
I dont want it to seem like I really do care. If he calls its my green light.
(this is my fucked up logic) I think like this constantly and its exhausting.
Then we came downstairs and looked up youtube videos.
sat on the front porch and smoked my last bowl while listening to 'Dryer Maker' Led Zep.
came inside and played games on her phone for like an hour.
laughing our balls off, and being completly useless at it.
it was 9:00 and thats my cut off time for having people over,
so I walked her up to River Road, in a violent rain.
wearing a pair of spandex and a tee shirt.
we ate pomagranate seeds out of the peel,
and threw them empty onto the road.
Cheli is my favorite person to do nothing with.
and these kinds of days are so much better,
then the alternate ways I try to spend my time.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
please
dont use me.
but its hard to believe that anyone could like me. for me.
my flaws. my personality. my absolute detachment from people.
Im to quite, and unsure. I fluctuate. I gag. I get self consious.
why would you want me?
but its hard to believe that anyone could like me. for me.
my flaws. my personality. my absolute detachment from people.
Im to quite, and unsure. I fluctuate. I gag. I get self consious.
why would you want me?
im sorry
everytime,
I make the same mistakes.
and hate myself for it.
then expect things to be different the next time.
it never is. but im hoping.
he is so sweet. really.
and ive been good. no mind games.
minimal manipulation.
do I like him, or just the way he makes me feel?
deep down is it just another drug?
do I actaully give a shit about him.
I dunno. I want to.
but ive noticed a protective instinct kicking in.
I feel partially responsible for him.
he is so lost, everything with his mom.
I want him to know everything is okay.
cuz it can be.
if we let it.
I make the same mistakes.
and hate myself for it.
then expect things to be different the next time.
it never is. but im hoping.
he is so sweet. really.
and ive been good. no mind games.
minimal manipulation.
do I like him, or just the way he makes me feel?
deep down is it just another drug?
do I actaully give a shit about him.
I dunno. I want to.
but ive noticed a protective instinct kicking in.
I feel partially responsible for him.
he is so lost, everything with his mom.
I want him to know everything is okay.
cuz it can be.
if we let it.
Friday, October 22, 2010
over the rainbow
no no no.
awful night.
so uncomfortable.
so dissconected.
trying to hard to please.
pleeding to be liked.
dont leave me.
Im only pretending.
I dont know who I am.
part of me is bleeding. part of you is inside me.
I am paranoid, and have a hunch your conspiring.
forgive me I am new at this. I know nothing.
the sky is so terribly grey today.
why cant i be normal.
awful night.
so uncomfortable.
so dissconected.
trying to hard to please.
pleeding to be liked.
dont leave me.
Im only pretending.
I dont know who I am.
part of me is bleeding. part of you is inside me.
I am paranoid, and have a hunch your conspiring.
forgive me I am new at this. I know nothing.
the sky is so terribly grey today.
why cant i be normal.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
my soul existance.
has become.
weed.
sex. these things
naps make me feel okay.
and i love to be held.
to the point where the wieght crushes me.
I like to feel small. and it kind of reminds me of my father.
its a comfort. and deep sleep.
its what i have to live for.
the rest of my day is just filler.
events jumbled together to fill hours.
the things I crave come at night.
has become.
weed.
sex. these things
naps make me feel okay.
and i love to be held.
to the point where the wieght crushes me.
I like to feel small. and it kind of reminds me of my father.
its a comfort. and deep sleep.
its what i have to live for.
the rest of my day is just filler.
events jumbled together to fill hours.
the things I crave come at night.
yeahhh :D
he is picking me up again tonight.
were just gunna sit in the driveway and smoke.
we'll see what else. im optimistic.
but i made a promise to my aunt three days ago i wouldnt sneek out anymore.
but my driveway doesnt really count,
now does it :)
I cant wait to taste his mouth.
Its getting easier to be myself.
Im less nervous now.
every time we meet up, i end up obsessing about something stupid.
not expecting his to call me back. but he does.
and it reassures me. calms me.
takes me away from my delusions.
If he breaks my heart, I fucking give up.
but Im trying not to think about it.
were taking things slow. (no comitment)
and Its working out. we seem to get along.
so im just gunna try to enjoy it.
no mind games, or complications.
and most importantly, trust.
were just gunna sit in the driveway and smoke.
we'll see what else. im optimistic.
but i made a promise to my aunt three days ago i wouldnt sneek out anymore.
but my driveway doesnt really count,
now does it :)
I cant wait to taste his mouth.
Its getting easier to be myself.
Im less nervous now.
every time we meet up, i end up obsessing about something stupid.
not expecting his to call me back. but he does.
and it reassures me. calms me.
takes me away from my delusions.
If he breaks my heart, I fucking give up.
but Im trying not to think about it.
were taking things slow. (no comitment)
and Its working out. we seem to get along.
so im just gunna try to enjoy it.
no mind games, or complications.
and most importantly, trust.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
unraveling
relax relax relax relax relax.
its all going to be okay.
let it be.
let it be.
let it be.
become,
nothing.
your so much happier alone.
its all going to be okay.
let it be.
let it be.
let it be.
become,
nothing.
your so much happier alone.
the phone call
I called alex.
worste fucking conversation of my life.
his voice was just teeeeeeeeeeming with disgust.
a one word answer. annoyance.
like I was such a fucking burden.
someone he looks down on.
I called him to trace a shroom hookup,
and this kid is THE GOD of mushrooms.
he knows where to get them day and night.
and he knew it was me before he answered the phone.
it was a very hesitant "helloo?". like he really didnt want to fucking answer.
"hey its eliza" and there was a pause. "yeah?"
"you know hwere I could get some shroomz?
not even a pause. just an imediate "no"
and I was like "you dont have any hookups? your like my last resort"
"no" I could have killed him.
why was he being such an asshole. I didnt do shit.
I gave him everything. the passive agression was staggering.
before everything happend, when I would call him up,
it was like the happiest he had ever been.
he be like "ELIZA!!!!!" and now, nothing.
just blahhhh. fuck you.
so I said "huh. alright well thanks."
with as much hostility as I could muster.
and he said "yup"
and i hung up. my hands were shaking.
I wanted to die.
worste fucking conversation of my life.
his voice was just teeeeeeeeeeming with disgust.
a one word answer. annoyance.
like I was such a fucking burden.
someone he looks down on.
I called him to trace a shroom hookup,
and this kid is THE GOD of mushrooms.
he knows where to get them day and night.
and he knew it was me before he answered the phone.
it was a very hesitant "helloo?". like he really didnt want to fucking answer.
"hey its eliza" and there was a pause. "yeah?"
"you know hwere I could get some shroomz?
not even a pause. just an imediate "no"
and I was like "you dont have any hookups? your like my last resort"
"no" I could have killed him.
why was he being such an asshole. I didnt do shit.
I gave him everything. the passive agression was staggering.
before everything happend, when I would call him up,
it was like the happiest he had ever been.
he be like "ELIZA!!!!!" and now, nothing.
just blahhhh. fuck you.
so I said "huh. alright well thanks."
with as much hostility as I could muster.
and he said "yup"
and i hung up. my hands were shaking.
I wanted to die.
honestly
there are so many things wrong with my life.
I wish i was more like the person im pretending to be.
my nerves make me shakey, and i cant seem to function during a normal conversation.
I am paranoid and my social anxiety makes me an ill fit for any human contact.
My thoughts are spinning so fast, yet i cant seem to explain what im feeling.
I am completly detached, and the less real i am the farther I stray.
I dont seem to give a fuck about anyone.
I just want to use someone to make me feel better.
thats all its ever been. I feel ugly and worthless.
I need an std screening. cant bring myself to ask them to use a condom.
Im fuckn suffering. down down down.
nothin to do about it but live my awful misrable life.
I think im turning into a monster.
I wish i was more like the person im pretending to be.
my nerves make me shakey, and i cant seem to function during a normal conversation.
I am paranoid and my social anxiety makes me an ill fit for any human contact.
My thoughts are spinning so fast, yet i cant seem to explain what im feeling.
I am completly detached, and the less real i am the farther I stray.
I dont seem to give a fuck about anyone.
I just want to use someone to make me feel better.
thats all its ever been. I feel ugly and worthless.
I need an std screening. cant bring myself to ask them to use a condom.
Im fuckn suffering. down down down.
nothin to do about it but live my awful misrable life.
I think im turning into a monster.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Profile of the Sociopath
summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Other Related Qualities:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DSM-IV Definition
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.
Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)
1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:
A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.
B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.
C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.
D. Repeated assaults on others.
E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.
F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.
G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.
2. At least eighteen years in age.
3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.
4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antisocial Personality Disorder Overview (Written by Derek Wood, RN, BSN, PhD Candidate)
Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a Sociopath. The criteria for this disorder require an ongoing disregard for the rights of others, since the age of 15 years. Some examples of this disregard are reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others, failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, deceitfulness such as repeated lying or deceit for personal profit or pleasure, and lack of remorse for actions that hurt other people in any way. Additionally, they must have evidenced a Conduct Disorder before the age of 15 years, and must be at least 18 years old to receive this diagnosis.
People with this disorder appear to be charming at times, and make relationships, but to them, these are relationships in name only. They are ended whenever necessary or when it suits them, and the relationships are without depth or meaning, including marriages. They seem to have an innate ability to find the weakness in people, and are ready to use these weaknesses to their own ends through deceit, manipulation, or intimidation, and gain pleasure from doing so.
They appear to be incapable of any true emotions, from love to shame to guilt. They are quick to anger, but just as quick to let it go, without holding grudges. No matter what emotion they state they have, it has no bearing on their future actions or attitudes.
They rarely are able to have jobs that last for any length of time, as they become easily bored, instead needing constant change. They live for the moment, forgetting the past, and not planning the future, not thinking ahead what consequences their actions will have. They want immediate rewards and gratification. There currently is no form of psychotherapy that works with those with antisocial personality disorder, as those with this disorder have no desire to change themselves, which is a prerequisite. No medication is available either. The only treatment is the prevention of the disorder in the early stages, when a child first begins to show the symptoms of conduct disorder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE PSYCHOPATH NEXT DOOR (Source: http://chericola57.tripod.com/infinite.html)
Psychopath. We hear the word and images of Bernardo, Manson and Dahmer pop into our heads; no doubt Ted Bundy too. But they're the bottom of the barrel -- most of the two million psychopaths in North America aren't murderers. They're our friends, lovers and co-workers. They're outgoing and persuasive, dazzling you with charm and flattery. Often you aren't even aware they've taken you for a ride -- until it's too late.
Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me."
Think you can spot one? Think again. In general, psychopaths aren't the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Rather they come from all walks of life and there is little evidence that their upbringing affects them. Elements of a psychopath's personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors. Explains Michael Seto, a psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental health in Toronto, by the time that a person hits their late teens, the disorder is almost certainly permanent. Although many clinicians use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably, writes psychopath expert Robert Hare on his book 'Without Conscience', a sociopath's criminal behavior is shaped by social forces and is the result of a dysfunctional environment.
Psychopaths have only a shallow range of emotions and lack guilt, says Hare. They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others. "Psychopaths play on the fact that most of us are trusting and forgiving people," adds Seto. The warning signs are always there; it's just difficult to see them because once we trust someone, the friendship becomes a blinder.
Even lovers get taken for a ride by psychopaths. For a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. It's primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long term, and often is involved with three or four partners at once, says Willson. To a psychopath, everything about a relationship is a game. Willson refers to the movie 'Sliding Doors' to illustrate her point. In the film, the main character comes home early after just having been fired from her job. Only moments ago, her boyfriend has let another woman out the front door. But in a matter of minutes he is the attentive and concerned boyfriend, taking her out to dinner and devoting the entire night to comforting her. All the while he's planning to leave the next day on a trip with the other woman.
The boyfriend displays typical psychopathic characteristics because he falsely displays deep emotion toward the relationship, says Willson. In reality, he's less concerned with his girlfriend's depression than with making sure she's clueless about the other woman's existence. In the romance department, psychopaths have an ability to gain your affection quickly, disarming you with words, intriguing you with grandiose plans. If they cheat you'll forgive them, and one day when they've gone too far, they'll leave you with a broken heart (and an empty wallet). By then they'll have a new player for their game.
The problem with their game is that we don't often play by their rules. Where we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath's lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. "Psychopaths don't discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat," says Seto. "There's no distinction between friend, family and sucker."
No one wants to be the sucker, so how do we prevent ourselves from becoming close friends or getting into a relationship with a psychopath? It's really almost impossible, say Seto and Willson. Unfortunately, laments Seto, one way is to become more suspicious and less trusting of others. Our tendency is to forgive when we catch a loved one in a lie. "Psychopaths play on this fact," he says. "However, I'm certainly not advocating a world where if someone lies once or twice, you never speak to them again." What you can do is look at how often someone lies and how they react when caught. Psychopaths will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a psychopath may apologize but won't stop.
Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don't have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren't even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a patient who would get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn't a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job.
How do you make sure you don't get fooled when you're hiring someone to baby-sit your child or for any other job? Hire based on reputation and not image, says Willson. Check references thoroughly. Psychopaths tend to give vague and inconsistent replies. Of course the best way to solve this problem would be to cure psychopaths of their 'illness.' But there's no recipe for treating them, say psychiatrists. Today's traditional methods of psychotherapy (psychoanalysis, group and one-on-one therapy) and drug treatments have failed. Therapy is more likely to work when an individual admits there's a problem and wants to change. The common problem with psychopaths, says Sets, "Is they don't see a problem with their behavior."
Psychopaths don't seek therapy willingly, says Seto. Rather, they're pushed into it by a desperate relative or by a court order. To a psychopath, a therapist is just one more person who must be conned, and the psychopath plays the part right until the therapist is convinced of his or her 'rehabilitation.'
Even though we can't treat psychopaths effectively with therapy, it doesn't mean we can't protect ourselves, writes Hare. Willson agrees, citing the most important factor in keeping psychopaths at bay is to know your vulnerabilities. We need to "realize our own potential and maximize our strengths" so that our insecurities don't overcome us. Because, she says, a psychopath is a chameleon who becomes "an image of what you haven't done for yourself." Over time, she says, "their appearance of perfection will begin to crack," but by that time you will have been emotionally and perhaps financially scathed. There comes a time when you realize there's no point in searching for answers; the only thing is to move on.
Taken in part from MW -- By Caroline Konrad -- September 1999
THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY:
These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.
First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.
(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.
(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.
(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault.
(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.
(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.
If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately!
(1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened.
Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.
(2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands.
Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best.
(3) Local law enforcement agencies are usually under pressure if wealthy or politically powerful individuals are involved, so include state and federal agencies as well and tell the locals that you have. In my own experience, one agency that can help in a pinch is the Criminal Investigation Division of the Internal Revenue Service or (in Canada) Victims Services at your local police unit. It is not easy to think of the IRS as a potential friend, but a Swedish study showed that malignant types (the Swedes called them bullies) usually commit some felony or other by the age of twenty. If the family is wealthy, the fact may never come to light, but many felonies involve tax evasion, and in such cases, the IRS is interested indeed. If large amounts of money are involved, the IRS may solve all your problems for you. For obvious reasons the Drug Enforcement Agency may also be an appropriate agency to approach. The FBI is an important agency to contact, because although the FBI does not have jurisdiction over murder or assault, if informed, they do have an active interest in any other law enforcement agencies that do not follow through with an honest investigation and prosecution should a murder occur. Civil rights are involved at that point. No local crooked lawyer, judge, or corrupt police official wants to be within a country mile if that comes to light! It is in such cases that wealthy psychopaths discover just how firm the "friends" they count on to cover up for them really are! Even some of the drug cartel biggies will scuttle for cover if someone picks up the brick their thugs hide under. Exposure is bad for business.
(4) Make sure that several of your friends have the information in the event something happens to you. That way, an appropriate investigation will follow if you are harmed. Don't tell other people who has the information, because then something bad could happen to them as well. Instruct friends to take such an incident to the newspapers and other media.
If you are dealing with someone who has considerable money, you must realize that they probably won't try to harm you themselves, they will contract with someone to make the hit. The malignant type is a coward and will not expose himself or herself to personal danger if he or she can avoid it.
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Other Related Qualities:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DSM-IV Definition
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.
Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)
1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:
A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.
B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.
C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.
D. Repeated assaults on others.
E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.
F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.
G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.
2. At least eighteen years in age.
3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.
4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antisocial Personality Disorder Overview (Written by Derek Wood, RN, BSN, PhD Candidate)
Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a Sociopath. The criteria for this disorder require an ongoing disregard for the rights of others, since the age of 15 years. Some examples of this disregard are reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others, failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, deceitfulness such as repeated lying or deceit for personal profit or pleasure, and lack of remorse for actions that hurt other people in any way. Additionally, they must have evidenced a Conduct Disorder before the age of 15 years, and must be at least 18 years old to receive this diagnosis.
People with this disorder appear to be charming at times, and make relationships, but to them, these are relationships in name only. They are ended whenever necessary or when it suits them, and the relationships are without depth or meaning, including marriages. They seem to have an innate ability to find the weakness in people, and are ready to use these weaknesses to their own ends through deceit, manipulation, or intimidation, and gain pleasure from doing so.
They appear to be incapable of any true emotions, from love to shame to guilt. They are quick to anger, but just as quick to let it go, without holding grudges. No matter what emotion they state they have, it has no bearing on their future actions or attitudes.
They rarely are able to have jobs that last for any length of time, as they become easily bored, instead needing constant change. They live for the moment, forgetting the past, and not planning the future, not thinking ahead what consequences their actions will have. They want immediate rewards and gratification. There currently is no form of psychotherapy that works with those with antisocial personality disorder, as those with this disorder have no desire to change themselves, which is a prerequisite. No medication is available either. The only treatment is the prevention of the disorder in the early stages, when a child first begins to show the symptoms of conduct disorder.
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THE PSYCHOPATH NEXT DOOR (Source: http://chericola57.tripod.com/infinite.html)
Psychopath. We hear the word and images of Bernardo, Manson and Dahmer pop into our heads; no doubt Ted Bundy too. But they're the bottom of the barrel -- most of the two million psychopaths in North America aren't murderers. They're our friends, lovers and co-workers. They're outgoing and persuasive, dazzling you with charm and flattery. Often you aren't even aware they've taken you for a ride -- until it's too late.
Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me."
Think you can spot one? Think again. In general, psychopaths aren't the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Rather they come from all walks of life and there is little evidence that their upbringing affects them. Elements of a psychopath's personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors. Explains Michael Seto, a psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental health in Toronto, by the time that a person hits their late teens, the disorder is almost certainly permanent. Although many clinicians use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably, writes psychopath expert Robert Hare on his book 'Without Conscience', a sociopath's criminal behavior is shaped by social forces and is the result of a dysfunctional environment.
Psychopaths have only a shallow range of emotions and lack guilt, says Hare. They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others. "Psychopaths play on the fact that most of us are trusting and forgiving people," adds Seto. The warning signs are always there; it's just difficult to see them because once we trust someone, the friendship becomes a blinder.
Even lovers get taken for a ride by psychopaths. For a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. It's primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long term, and often is involved with three or four partners at once, says Willson. To a psychopath, everything about a relationship is a game. Willson refers to the movie 'Sliding Doors' to illustrate her point. In the film, the main character comes home early after just having been fired from her job. Only moments ago, her boyfriend has let another woman out the front door. But in a matter of minutes he is the attentive and concerned boyfriend, taking her out to dinner and devoting the entire night to comforting her. All the while he's planning to leave the next day on a trip with the other woman.
The boyfriend displays typical psychopathic characteristics because he falsely displays deep emotion toward the relationship, says Willson. In reality, he's less concerned with his girlfriend's depression than with making sure she's clueless about the other woman's existence. In the romance department, psychopaths have an ability to gain your affection quickly, disarming you with words, intriguing you with grandiose plans. If they cheat you'll forgive them, and one day when they've gone too far, they'll leave you with a broken heart (and an empty wallet). By then they'll have a new player for their game.
The problem with their game is that we don't often play by their rules. Where we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath's lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. "Psychopaths don't discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat," says Seto. "There's no distinction between friend, family and sucker."
No one wants to be the sucker, so how do we prevent ourselves from becoming close friends or getting into a relationship with a psychopath? It's really almost impossible, say Seto and Willson. Unfortunately, laments Seto, one way is to become more suspicious and less trusting of others. Our tendency is to forgive when we catch a loved one in a lie. "Psychopaths play on this fact," he says. "However, I'm certainly not advocating a world where if someone lies once or twice, you never speak to them again." What you can do is look at how often someone lies and how they react when caught. Psychopaths will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a psychopath may apologize but won't stop.
Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don't have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren't even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a patient who would get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn't a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job.
How do you make sure you don't get fooled when you're hiring someone to baby-sit your child or for any other job? Hire based on reputation and not image, says Willson. Check references thoroughly. Psychopaths tend to give vague and inconsistent replies. Of course the best way to solve this problem would be to cure psychopaths of their 'illness.' But there's no recipe for treating them, say psychiatrists. Today's traditional methods of psychotherapy (psychoanalysis, group and one-on-one therapy) and drug treatments have failed. Therapy is more likely to work when an individual admits there's a problem and wants to change. The common problem with psychopaths, says Sets, "Is they don't see a problem with their behavior."
Psychopaths don't seek therapy willingly, says Seto. Rather, they're pushed into it by a desperate relative or by a court order. To a psychopath, a therapist is just one more person who must be conned, and the psychopath plays the part right until the therapist is convinced of his or her 'rehabilitation.'
Even though we can't treat psychopaths effectively with therapy, it doesn't mean we can't protect ourselves, writes Hare. Willson agrees, citing the most important factor in keeping psychopaths at bay is to know your vulnerabilities. We need to "realize our own potential and maximize our strengths" so that our insecurities don't overcome us. Because, she says, a psychopath is a chameleon who becomes "an image of what you haven't done for yourself." Over time, she says, "their appearance of perfection will begin to crack," but by that time you will have been emotionally and perhaps financially scathed. There comes a time when you realize there's no point in searching for answers; the only thing is to move on.
Taken in part from MW -- By Caroline Konrad -- September 1999
THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY:
These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.
First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.
(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.
(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.
(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault.
(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.
(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.
If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately!
(1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened.
Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.
(2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands.
Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best.
(3) Local law enforcement agencies are usually under pressure if wealthy or politically powerful individuals are involved, so include state and federal agencies as well and tell the locals that you have. In my own experience, one agency that can help in a pinch is the Criminal Investigation Division of the Internal Revenue Service or (in Canada) Victims Services at your local police unit. It is not easy to think of the IRS as a potential friend, but a Swedish study showed that malignant types (the Swedes called them bullies) usually commit some felony or other by the age of twenty. If the family is wealthy, the fact may never come to light, but many felonies involve tax evasion, and in such cases, the IRS is interested indeed. If large amounts of money are involved, the IRS may solve all your problems for you. For obvious reasons the Drug Enforcement Agency may also be an appropriate agency to approach. The FBI is an important agency to contact, because although the FBI does not have jurisdiction over murder or assault, if informed, they do have an active interest in any other law enforcement agencies that do not follow through with an honest investigation and prosecution should a murder occur. Civil rights are involved at that point. No local crooked lawyer, judge, or corrupt police official wants to be within a country mile if that comes to light! It is in such cases that wealthy psychopaths discover just how firm the "friends" they count on to cover up for them really are! Even some of the drug cartel biggies will scuttle for cover if someone picks up the brick their thugs hide under. Exposure is bad for business.
(4) Make sure that several of your friends have the information in the event something happens to you. That way, an appropriate investigation will follow if you are harmed. Don't tell other people who has the information, because then something bad could happen to them as well. Instruct friends to take such an incident to the newspapers and other media.
If you are dealing with someone who has considerable money, you must realize that they probably won't try to harm you themselves, they will contract with someone to make the hit. The malignant type is a coward and will not expose himself or herself to personal danger if he or she can avoid it.
I go cold
probubly only said three things to him the whole night.
when I feel vulnerable I just close up.
I get a little scared. I dont know how to act.
starting to feel like a blow up doll.
he doesnt seem to care that I dont talk.
he just thanks me for the sex. and puts his head on my chest.
His mom would be outside his door, high and out of her mind.
I think he wanted to cry, I couldnt speak. I was to high myself.
So I gave him the only thing I could offer.
and I could tell it ment somthing.
the warmth of a woman.
he'd fuck the pain away.
and release.
when I feel vulnerable I just close up.
I get a little scared. I dont know how to act.
starting to feel like a blow up doll.
he doesnt seem to care that I dont talk.
he just thanks me for the sex. and puts his head on my chest.
His mom would be outside his door, high and out of her mind.
I think he wanted to cry, I couldnt speak. I was to high myself.
So I gave him the only thing I could offer.
and I could tell it ment somthing.
the warmth of a woman.
he'd fuck the pain away.
and release.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
fate
can one be so lucky twice in a row?
w'e'll have to see as the night unfolds.
waiting on the edge of your seat.
now its all mystery.
w'e'll have to see as the night unfolds.
waiting on the edge of your seat.
now its all mystery.
strange night adventures in list format
1the longest four hours of my life.
2Doug got kicked out of his house for 24 hours,
3his mom called the cops, after she slapped him across the face.
4he called, and picked me up. at one am. (where me and alex used to meet)
5and we walked to the river by my house ( where alex and I smoked river bong water)
6he bought me cigarettes at plaid pantry, then we drove to park with a long beach.
7made a bon fine made out of garbage found on the beach.
8his crippled wolf dog layed between us. we smoked bowls,
9and then the cops came!! dun dun dun. we scrambled and hid pipes, and I crawled into some dirt mound.
10almost died. then he ran back to get me. we drove far far far away,
11before getting stopped by three more cops. mind you im high as fuck.
12and got harrassed and questioned and documented.
13with pipes on our persons. we NARROWLY escaped.
14the car died, so doug's sister had to drive down and give us a jump.
15and smoke us a bowl. (ahaa.) and then he drove me home, and we parked a few feet from my driveway.
16he gave me a camel wide, and asked if I wanted to finish it on the roof of his car.
17we sat on the hood, and I was freezing balls so he got a blanket.
18parts started forming together under the warmth.
19and soon his hand was on my leg, and we were looking at the stars.
20he fucking pointed out orians belt. (alex showed me orians belt)
21and now my head was on dougs shoulder, as hes pointing to fucking orians belt.
22I didnt know how to act. I wasnt pouring myself all over this guy.
23It was so different from alex, but the strongest feeling of dajavoo.
24except everything was going right. I wasnt so desporate.
25there wasnt the pain. I was being myself. he was to sweet.
26he knew big words, and could talk about ideas quickly.
27and he loves to cuddle. and he talks about his feelings.
28nothing like swirley boy. then he said something about caves.
29and I remembered "lets explore caves" my rebound motto.
30exploring and he kissed me. on top of his car. which manifested into dry sex.
31me ontop of him. and he said the sweetest thing "you really turn me on"
32with his hand on every flaw. I remebered alex. my insecurity.
33hood of a car was difficult work,
34so we drove back to the river and got frisky on the picnic table.
35he said he had never finished so fast. and I laughed too myself.
36Afterwards he kissed me. held on to me.
37wrapped me in a blanket, gave me his shorts.
38I told him id call. and he thanked me and drove away.
39when I got to the front door I freeked out.
40my house key was in my pocket, and my pants came off ontop of the car.
41I ran back down the driveway, and found my shoe and key on the pavement.
42I truely felt blissful. like a bajillion light crystals. (sneeking out with alex, I had gotten locked out, and caught at 5 in the morning.) but this, my sufferings parellel everything was working out.
43the universe, an absolute perfect balance.
2Doug got kicked out of his house for 24 hours,
3his mom called the cops, after she slapped him across the face.
4he called, and picked me up. at one am. (where me and alex used to meet)
5and we walked to the river by my house ( where alex and I smoked river bong water)
6he bought me cigarettes at plaid pantry, then we drove to park with a long beach.
7made a bon fine made out of garbage found on the beach.
8his crippled wolf dog layed between us. we smoked bowls,
9and then the cops came!! dun dun dun. we scrambled and hid pipes, and I crawled into some dirt mound.
10almost died. then he ran back to get me. we drove far far far away,
11before getting stopped by three more cops. mind you im high as fuck.
12and got harrassed and questioned and documented.
13with pipes on our persons. we NARROWLY escaped.
14the car died, so doug's sister had to drive down and give us a jump.
15and smoke us a bowl. (ahaa.) and then he drove me home, and we parked a few feet from my driveway.
16he gave me a camel wide, and asked if I wanted to finish it on the roof of his car.
17we sat on the hood, and I was freezing balls so he got a blanket.
18parts started forming together under the warmth.
19and soon his hand was on my leg, and we were looking at the stars.
20he fucking pointed out orians belt. (alex showed me orians belt)
21and now my head was on dougs shoulder, as hes pointing to fucking orians belt.
22I didnt know how to act. I wasnt pouring myself all over this guy.
23It was so different from alex, but the strongest feeling of dajavoo.
24except everything was going right. I wasnt so desporate.
25there wasnt the pain. I was being myself. he was to sweet.
26he knew big words, and could talk about ideas quickly.
27and he loves to cuddle. and he talks about his feelings.
28nothing like swirley boy. then he said something about caves.
29and I remembered "lets explore caves" my rebound motto.
30exploring and he kissed me. on top of his car. which manifested into dry sex.
31me ontop of him. and he said the sweetest thing "you really turn me on"
32with his hand on every flaw. I remebered alex. my insecurity.
33hood of a car was difficult work,
34so we drove back to the river and got frisky on the picnic table.
35he said he had never finished so fast. and I laughed too myself.
36Afterwards he kissed me. held on to me.
37wrapped me in a blanket, gave me his shorts.
38I told him id call. and he thanked me and drove away.
39when I got to the front door I freeked out.
40my house key was in my pocket, and my pants came off ontop of the car.
41I ran back down the driveway, and found my shoe and key on the pavement.
42I truely felt blissful. like a bajillion light crystals. (sneeking out with alex, I had gotten locked out, and caught at 5 in the morning.) but this, my sufferings parellel everything was working out.
43the universe, an absolute perfect balance.
I have everything I need.
I am almost 18, Im free as a bird.
I hang out with cool kids all day,
that make me laugh, and get me drunk.
My family is accepting of who i am,
and they have finally stopped trying so hard to change me.
we can have dinner, act civil, and pretend its all just peachy.
no one pressures me. when I fuck up, their just glad Im still around.
I have support, and people who love me unconditionally.
I go running, do crunches and push ups.
so my curves lok fuckn bomb, and the men come on like flies.
I am almost 18, Im free as a bird.
I hang out with cool kids all day,
that make me laugh, and get me drunk.
My family is accepting of who i am,
and they have finally stopped trying so hard to change me.
we can have dinner, act civil, and pretend its all just peachy.
no one pressures me. when I fuck up, their just glad Im still around.
I have support, and people who love me unconditionally.
I go running, do crunches and push ups.
so my curves lok fuckn bomb, and the men come on like flies.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
cnversation with my aunt
"so do you wanna talk about last night?"
"what about it?"
she started to laugh uncontrolably.
"you were high as a kite"
shit.
"how could you tell? I thought i hid it so well?!"
"nooooooooooo. deffinatly not. you had all the signs, except the giggling, and im not buying the im tierd thing"
"haha."
"..ha."
"what about it?"
she started to laugh uncontrolably.
"you were high as a kite"
shit.
"how could you tell? I thought i hid it so well?!"
"nooooooooooo. deffinatly not. you had all the signs, except the giggling, and im not buying the im tierd thing"
"haha."
"..ha."
wowza
and my insecurities chew me up, and spit me out,
but life is good again.
just ate some vegitarian pizza,
got smoked out by ryan and doug.
doug's a cutie. hawaiin. sells weed.
does tattoos. has a car. badass.
I thought I had made a super stupid fool of myself.
but he texted me saying he would love to hang out again.
so im okay. everything okay. im just fucking neorotic.
being locked up for 11 monthes has left me a little more unstabble than I was before.
I rely on men to make me feel better. I need acceptance.
I need to be drooled over to feel worthwhile.
but the chemistry isnt there.
Its cold and clamy. no golden sandy boy.
this ones dark. i dont like his smell. Im not that attracted.
but its a destraction. I need someone to help me forget his feel.
his warm vibe. haha. Im 17 and i will never love again.
I will play medusa.
but life is good again.
just ate some vegitarian pizza,
got smoked out by ryan and doug.
doug's a cutie. hawaiin. sells weed.
does tattoos. has a car. badass.
I thought I had made a super stupid fool of myself.
but he texted me saying he would love to hang out again.
so im okay. everything okay. im just fucking neorotic.
being locked up for 11 monthes has left me a little more unstabble than I was before.
I rely on men to make me feel better. I need acceptance.
I need to be drooled over to feel worthwhile.
but the chemistry isnt there.
Its cold and clamy. no golden sandy boy.
this ones dark. i dont like his smell. Im not that attracted.
but its a destraction. I need someone to help me forget his feel.
his warm vibe. haha. Im 17 and i will never love again.
I will play medusa.
Today three seporate guys offered to smoke me out.
I was told I had beautiful eyes and the body of a diva by this guy from new york.
Sean wants me to get involved in an open relationship with him, and his fiance.
and this kid doug wants to pick me up, and smoke me a bowl.
its all very odd. I seem to meet the wierdest people.
tottal creepers, but its weed. and its an ego boost.
its not me, its him.
its not me, its him.
I am desirable. alex is just an asshole.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
part 839854059049580 and two.
when I write, I still pretend its you im talking to.
and there is so much I fucking dispize in you.
its rediculous. really fucking rediculous.
were not compatable. at all. and it would be a misrable relationship.
id bitch at you constantly, and feel like I was comunicating with a baby.
you repeat yourself. you have no self doubt.
you should. your a fucking retard half the time.
and your singing. it cracks, and sounds awful.
you like rap. your to skinny. you date to many woman,
to feel accepted because your mom abandoned you.
youve never loved. your imature. you have no comitment.
you dont know how you feel. you dont open up.
you had bad breath once. and hadnt showered for four days.
(that was actually kind of sexy) but gross. shower!
you listen to "folk punk" and say "its just so free"
when it sounds like SHIT.
and you SOUND LIKE SHIT.
your an avoider. you have wierd nipples.
your obsessed with chapstick.
I hate your bed. you dont cuddle.
and OH JESUS I hate your laugh.
when you REALLY think something is funny.
and it catches you off gaurd and you sound like your choking. or snorting something backwards.
I hate that noise. I hate you. I hate your phone. I hate your sense of humor.
and you still have my books. just leave them on my doorstep or something.
or use them to give yourself a million tiny paper cuts.
or just come over and ask me out.
sleep in your bed, with bad breath wearing layors of chapstick laughing really hard about stupid stuff while listening to folk punk cuz its soooooo fucking freeeee. and you can cheet on me with ten different girls, and not talk about your mom, and be a cocky unshowred asshole. and Ill still cry when you leave.
and there is so much I fucking dispize in you.
its rediculous. really fucking rediculous.
were not compatable. at all. and it would be a misrable relationship.
id bitch at you constantly, and feel like I was comunicating with a baby.
you repeat yourself. you have no self doubt.
you should. your a fucking retard half the time.
and your singing. it cracks, and sounds awful.
you like rap. your to skinny. you date to many woman,
to feel accepted because your mom abandoned you.
youve never loved. your imature. you have no comitment.
you dont know how you feel. you dont open up.
you had bad breath once. and hadnt showered for four days.
(that was actually kind of sexy) but gross. shower!
you listen to "folk punk" and say "its just so free"
when it sounds like SHIT.
and you SOUND LIKE SHIT.
your an avoider. you have wierd nipples.
your obsessed with chapstick.
I hate your bed. you dont cuddle.
and OH JESUS I hate your laugh.
when you REALLY think something is funny.
and it catches you off gaurd and you sound like your choking. or snorting something backwards.
I hate that noise. I hate you. I hate your phone. I hate your sense of humor.
and you still have my books. just leave them on my doorstep or something.
or use them to give yourself a million tiny paper cuts.
or just come over and ask me out.
sleep in your bed, with bad breath wearing layors of chapstick laughing really hard about stupid stuff while listening to folk punk cuz its soooooo fucking freeeee. and you can cheet on me with ten different girls, and not talk about your mom, and be a cocky unshowred asshole. and Ill still cry when you leave.
small talk
"there is just something I really like about see through cubes.
its such a solid object but you can tottaly explore all around it with your eyes.
so many different angles. all 90 degrees.
thats a special thing right there, doo you think im crazy?"
"no but the other voices say yes."
"thats absurd. henry and jamal would never say such things."
its such a solid object but you can tottaly explore all around it with your eyes.
so many different angles. all 90 degrees.
thats a special thing right there, doo you think im crazy?"
"no but the other voices say yes."
"thats absurd. henry and jamal would never say such things."
bake some toasted breadbread.
time to bake bread.
that sounds fantastic.
bread that falls apart in your mouth.
bread that sings crispy little toons.
brown bread. with oats, and molasass.
free range bread with white picket fences.
bread without crust. bread with charecter.
the bread that pirates eat. with gin and woman.
the dankest bread. the king of all breads.
the sweet empress in the sky bread.
a rainbow of all different types of bread.
that lead to a pot of bread. (and pot)
so that i may smoke the bread and eat the pot.
then dance. and bake more.
that sounds fantastic.
bread that falls apart in your mouth.
bread that sings crispy little toons.
brown bread. with oats, and molasass.
free range bread with white picket fences.
bread without crust. bread with charecter.
the bread that pirates eat. with gin and woman.
the dankest bread. the king of all breads.
the sweet empress in the sky bread.
a rainbow of all different types of bread.
that lead to a pot of bread. (and pot)
so that i may smoke the bread and eat the pot.
then dance. and bake more.
how humorous.
so I went jogging,
im my scrappy black shirt, spandex, and nikes.
feeling bloated like a dead fish,
sitting in the dead heat.
I tried to move my legs.
but they stayed planted on the pavement.
we ran a lap and then her phone vibrated.
deals to make. deals to make.
we started walking. debating mathematics of good drug salesmenship.
selling .8 of a gram, for ten bucks. make an extra 60 dollars.
24 grams of ten vrs. thirty .8 sacks.
these kids probubly dont know what their doing.
ahaha. "does this shit get you high?"
"is this good weed?" "how do I smoke it?"
"Should i use a can?" "50 dollars for a dub?"
but when we met up with CALVIN and JUSTIN
we were pleasantly suprised. two relativly attractive guys.
18 and 17. decked out in their volcom gear and skater shoes.
and we made small talk. what schools everyones been to.
yada yada. and then we hid out in the bushes to smoke,
and they asked "Is this god weed?" and pulled out a can.
im my scrappy black shirt, spandex, and nikes.
feeling bloated like a dead fish,
sitting in the dead heat.
I tried to move my legs.
but they stayed planted on the pavement.
we ran a lap and then her phone vibrated.
deals to make. deals to make.
we started walking. debating mathematics of good drug salesmenship.
selling .8 of a gram, for ten bucks. make an extra 60 dollars.
24 grams of ten vrs. thirty .8 sacks.
these kids probubly dont know what their doing.
ahaha. "does this shit get you high?"
"is this good weed?" "how do I smoke it?"
"Should i use a can?" "50 dollars for a dub?"
but when we met up with CALVIN and JUSTIN
we were pleasantly suprised. two relativly attractive guys.
18 and 17. decked out in their volcom gear and skater shoes.
and we made small talk. what schools everyones been to.
yada yada. and then we hid out in the bushes to smoke,
and they asked "Is this god weed?" and pulled out a can.
yes
sitting in the sun.
on gravel, bumbing ciggs.
kids from new urban playing hackey sack.
Across from the house amanda and max are planning to move into.
They invite me to come live with them.
paint the whole house. be roomates.
get stoned. whatch 'cavemen' with ringo star.
eat goldfish. bumb ciggs. and play with kittens.
Max's room full of pipes and fishing poles, and posters.
it would be really great. reallly fuckn great.
the hacky kids invited us to a party.
free booze on a tuesday. but my aunt was bitching for me to come home.
microwave a casorole to eat with my 94 year old great grandmother.
as she hums to herself and asks me if I want to eat more.
then points at an airplane. asks me to get the mail.
do the dishes. walk the dog. turn on the tv.
so I do. and I call my aunt, asking if I can stay out till 11.
no no noooooo. cerfew is 6:30
whhhaaattt theeee faaaackkkkkkkk.
so im stuck here. with them.
getting the mail. doin the dishes.
walking the dog. and turning on the stupid tv.
I have a drive. I wanna do stuff. i like attention.
and alcohol. and bud. and boys. and the thrill of forgeting.
feeling like I am someone people want to have around.
so sick of living my life under a dictatorship.
If Amanda and Max get the house Im saying my farewells.
on my own. no cerfew. no UAs. no bitching.
haha. it would be golden.
on gravel, bumbing ciggs.
kids from new urban playing hackey sack.
Across from the house amanda and max are planning to move into.
They invite me to come live with them.
paint the whole house. be roomates.
get stoned. whatch 'cavemen' with ringo star.
eat goldfish. bumb ciggs. and play with kittens.
Max's room full of pipes and fishing poles, and posters.
it would be really great. reallly fuckn great.
the hacky kids invited us to a party.
free booze on a tuesday. but my aunt was bitching for me to come home.
microwave a casorole to eat with my 94 year old great grandmother.
as she hums to herself and asks me if I want to eat more.
then points at an airplane. asks me to get the mail.
do the dishes. walk the dog. turn on the tv.
so I do. and I call my aunt, asking if I can stay out till 11.
no no noooooo. cerfew is 6:30
whhhaaattt theeee faaaackkkkkkkk.
so im stuck here. with them.
getting the mail. doin the dishes.
walking the dog. and turning on the stupid tv.
I have a drive. I wanna do stuff. i like attention.
and alcohol. and bud. and boys. and the thrill of forgeting.
feeling like I am someone people want to have around.
so sick of living my life under a dictatorship.
If Amanda and Max get the house Im saying my farewells.
on my own. no cerfew. no UAs. no bitching.
haha. it would be golden.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Ive become extreamly glad nobody reads this
I saw him today.
was on the 33 heading home from CCC,
im an intense discussion with a guy named Matt,
about classes, art, drugs, government,
that was friendly and engaging.
when the bus pulled into the oregon city transit center,
i lost his gaze to look outside the window.
sitting on a bench in a red flannel, with dirty gold skin,
and high effortless cheeck bones. was the boy.
I tried to urge his eyes onto mine.
he seemed to be scanning the area.
meeting someone. going somewhere. waiting for a bus.
when I though he might see me,
I held up a peace sign. but his thoughts where elsewhere.
Matt stopped talking. I appologized.
"sorry, I know that kid, but i dont think he saw me."
I almost got off the bus. I almost called him.
I almost threw up in Matts face.
but I sat. the bus started up again, and golden boy dissapeared behind me.
Matt continued talking, and I couldnt concentrate on what he was saying.
I though about telling him.
"I just saw the boy that broke my heart, for the first time in three weeks. Im in love with that kid and he has no idea. I feel like throwing myself at his feet, but Im trying to maintain my self respect. he doesnt give a shit about me. He is the one person who has ever made me feel entirely worthless. my thoughts are spinning, and I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about right now"
insted I nodded. I talked back.
answered questions about myself.
contributed to the diologe.
made jokes. acted smart.
felt the blood still drained from my body.
speaking on autopiolet.
It just doesnt make sense.
why am I always saught after by these nerdy older guys.
I went to a party on saterday, where I was drooled over,
and told what a knock out I was, and how its such a shame im underaged.
these are the guys that I attract.
alex should be bending over backwards for me.
I should have value to him.
me should be itching to get back into my pants. (well I hope not iching)
but at least appreciative. a little enthusiasm.
is it because i made myself too available?
Being primative. almost a 19 year old man,
does he want a hunt not a sacrifice?
but i knew I wouldnt be worth a hunt.
he didnt care enough to pursue.
so I was easy. I fucked him thinking the emotions would follow.
well my stop aproached.
Matt asked my name again, and what days and times i would be at the college.
he hoped to run into me. it was great to meet me.
he shook my hand. strong eye contact.
I got off the bus. passed the road to alexs house knowing there was no fear of running into him now.
then I started thinking. and the delusions kicked in to help cope with the fear. the abandonment.
the tottal lack of conection between us.
alex knows that I go to school.
and i expalined my whole bus route to him.
he knows that everyday I stop at the oregon city transit center around 12.
he doesnt know that I no longer have to switch buses,
so now its just a straight shot. maybe he was hoping to run into me.
he was waiting. looking around. his face was stern. like he was thinking hard.
there was a pretty girl sitting a could benches away.
why wasnt he talking to her. she was prettier than me.
did he notice? would he strike up a conversation when the bus left?
I hate thinking about these things.
walking down my road I considered calling him. what i would say.
I wish he had texting. hes glad he doesnt.
but calling implys obvious effort.
it specificaly shows that you want to you have something you want to say.
I would say "hey alex! I just saw you at the oregon city transit center"
"ohh yeah? i didnt see you."
"I was inside the bus coming from ccc"
"... "
"so what you doin?"
"nuthn, just waiting for duncan. were suposed to get fronted another dime bag from this chick."
or,
"Im going down town to hang out with duncan and sell a dime bag to this chick"
or,
"just got back from duncans, we smoked bag with this chick"
and id say something stupid.
"haha. you got anything on you? Im down for a bowl."
he would say no. regardless of weather he had anything or not.
"you cant be all stingy with me after I smoked you out like ten times in a week."
"I never asked you to smoke me out."
"dude you asked me for a bowl"
"yeah, one bowl."
"it was my last one."
"then why did you give it to me?"
"I dunno. figured youd return the favor soomeday."
"alright well my bus is here i gotta"
"kay, see ya. hey I need my book back tho. the one about the dali lama. someone else loaned it to me, you can hold on to the orange one if your still reading it."
"no you can have them both back. ill drop them off in a couple days."
"whatev. see ya."
"peace."
trust me, thats exactly how it would have gone.
so why bother.
was on the 33 heading home from CCC,
im an intense discussion with a guy named Matt,
about classes, art, drugs, government,
that was friendly and engaging.
when the bus pulled into the oregon city transit center,
i lost his gaze to look outside the window.
sitting on a bench in a red flannel, with dirty gold skin,
and high effortless cheeck bones. was the boy.
I tried to urge his eyes onto mine.
he seemed to be scanning the area.
meeting someone. going somewhere. waiting for a bus.
when I though he might see me,
I held up a peace sign. but his thoughts where elsewhere.
Matt stopped talking. I appologized.
"sorry, I know that kid, but i dont think he saw me."
I almost got off the bus. I almost called him.
I almost threw up in Matts face.
but I sat. the bus started up again, and golden boy dissapeared behind me.
Matt continued talking, and I couldnt concentrate on what he was saying.
I though about telling him.
"I just saw the boy that broke my heart, for the first time in three weeks. Im in love with that kid and he has no idea. I feel like throwing myself at his feet, but Im trying to maintain my self respect. he doesnt give a shit about me. He is the one person who has ever made me feel entirely worthless. my thoughts are spinning, and I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about right now"
insted I nodded. I talked back.
answered questions about myself.
contributed to the diologe.
made jokes. acted smart.
felt the blood still drained from my body.
speaking on autopiolet.
It just doesnt make sense.
why am I always saught after by these nerdy older guys.
I went to a party on saterday, where I was drooled over,
and told what a knock out I was, and how its such a shame im underaged.
these are the guys that I attract.
alex should be bending over backwards for me.
I should have value to him.
me should be itching to get back into my pants. (well I hope not iching)
but at least appreciative. a little enthusiasm.
is it because i made myself too available?
Being primative. almost a 19 year old man,
does he want a hunt not a sacrifice?
but i knew I wouldnt be worth a hunt.
he didnt care enough to pursue.
so I was easy. I fucked him thinking the emotions would follow.
well my stop aproached.
Matt asked my name again, and what days and times i would be at the college.
he hoped to run into me. it was great to meet me.
he shook my hand. strong eye contact.
I got off the bus. passed the road to alexs house knowing there was no fear of running into him now.
then I started thinking. and the delusions kicked in to help cope with the fear. the abandonment.
the tottal lack of conection between us.
alex knows that I go to school.
and i expalined my whole bus route to him.
he knows that everyday I stop at the oregon city transit center around 12.
he doesnt know that I no longer have to switch buses,
so now its just a straight shot. maybe he was hoping to run into me.
he was waiting. looking around. his face was stern. like he was thinking hard.
there was a pretty girl sitting a could benches away.
why wasnt he talking to her. she was prettier than me.
did he notice? would he strike up a conversation when the bus left?
I hate thinking about these things.
walking down my road I considered calling him. what i would say.
I wish he had texting. hes glad he doesnt.
but calling implys obvious effort.
it specificaly shows that you want to you have something you want to say.
I would say "hey alex! I just saw you at the oregon city transit center"
"ohh yeah? i didnt see you."
"I was inside the bus coming from ccc"
"... "
"so what you doin?"
"nuthn, just waiting for duncan. were suposed to get fronted another dime bag from this chick."
or,
"Im going down town to hang out with duncan and sell a dime bag to this chick"
or,
"just got back from duncans, we smoked bag with this chick"
and id say something stupid.
"haha. you got anything on you? Im down for a bowl."
he would say no. regardless of weather he had anything or not.
"you cant be all stingy with me after I smoked you out like ten times in a week."
"I never asked you to smoke me out."
"dude you asked me for a bowl"
"yeah, one bowl."
"it was my last one."
"then why did you give it to me?"
"I dunno. figured youd return the favor soomeday."
"alright well my bus is here i gotta"
"kay, see ya. hey I need my book back tho. the one about the dali lama. someone else loaned it to me, you can hold on to the orange one if your still reading it."
"no you can have them both back. ill drop them off in a couple days."
"whatev. see ya."
"peace."
trust me, thats exactly how it would have gone.
so why bother.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Evan
"your the girls,
that I would have wanted to be with in highschool,
that were to busy to notice me,
cuz they were talking to duche bag older guys,
like I am now."
that I would have wanted to be with in highschool,
that were to busy to notice me,
cuz they were talking to duche bag older guys,
like I am now."
Thursday, October 7, 2010
tonight
I will eat dinner with my parents.
ask dad to burn my music onto the new laptop.
be polite. collect my things.
ask for a little cash. and a ride.
head over to amanda's.
say goodbye. watch the car drive away. wave. and turn.
ring the bell. put my things in her room.
roll a cigarette. come up with a game plan.
what drugs should we indulge tonight.
sketchy business at her moms,
so we will most likely smoke a grand amount of weed.
and laugh our asses off.
excited.
ask dad to burn my music onto the new laptop.
be polite. collect my things.
ask for a little cash. and a ride.
head over to amanda's.
say goodbye. watch the car drive away. wave. and turn.
ring the bell. put my things in her room.
roll a cigarette. come up with a game plan.
what drugs should we indulge tonight.
sketchy business at her moms,
so we will most likely smoke a grand amount of weed.
and laugh our asses off.
excited.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
this was a dumb idea.
ive been eating less that 500 calories a day, eating noting for many days of the week.
I lost thirty pounds in a month and a half.
now my body is rebelling. I crave rich foods.
and now suddenly the wieght is coming back.
if i ever want to look good, I have to eat nothing for the rest of my life.
not a fair trade.
I lost thirty pounds in a month and a half.
now my body is rebelling. I crave rich foods.
and now suddenly the wieght is coming back.
if i ever want to look good, I have to eat nothing for the rest of my life.
not a fair trade.
I need to stop this obsessive bullshit.
If our friends knew I spent my time blogging about how incomplete I am without you,
and drawing fucking wierd pictures of you on you school work.
i would be shunned. this isnt cool.
this is creepy. its pathetic.
i need a rebound. i need sanity.
I need something. (and i think thats my problem)
Im always in need. and nothing satisfies me.
Im addicted to everything.
I need something.
its not you.
its not drugs.
its not food.
its not love.
its not sex.
its not internet.
its not self destruction. mutilation. starvation. lack of sleep. over sleep.
then WHAT DO I NEED.
where is this mystery filler?
this thing that will keep my misery under control.
ive tried everything. you where the closest Ive ever come.
but that isnt healthy. I cant be codependent like that.
its not right. its not a genuin feeling of "okay"
its phony. external joy. an ego booster.
what I need has to come from the inside,
but I close my eyes and try to push happiness,
and self contentment through my interrior.
but it just makes me feel alone, and sober, and hungry, and empty, and horney, and bored.
making me.... need something.
If our friends knew I spent my time blogging about how incomplete I am without you,
and drawing fucking wierd pictures of you on you school work.
i would be shunned. this isnt cool.
this is creepy. its pathetic.
i need a rebound. i need sanity.
I need something. (and i think thats my problem)
Im always in need. and nothing satisfies me.
Im addicted to everything.
I need something.
its not you.
its not drugs.
its not food.
its not love.
its not sex.
its not internet.
its not self destruction. mutilation. starvation. lack of sleep. over sleep.
then WHAT DO I NEED.
where is this mystery filler?
this thing that will keep my misery under control.
ive tried everything. you where the closest Ive ever come.
but that isnt healthy. I cant be codependent like that.
its not right. its not a genuin feeling of "okay"
its phony. external joy. an ego booster.
what I need has to come from the inside,
but I close my eyes and try to push happiness,
and self contentment through my interrior.
but it just makes me feel alone, and sober, and hungry, and empty, and horney, and bored.
making me.... need something.
you didnt use me
you wernt pushy.
you only took what was offered.
that makes things even worse.
one thing i cant resent you for.
you only took what was offered.
that makes things even worse.
one thing i cant resent you for.
its like mourning a missing limb.
we became one. and suddenly my new attachment was torn from my body.
our body became only my body. an empty house. desolate.
I cant place what part of me feels incomplete.
my hands especially, when our fingers locked.
yours were hot and heavy sunshine resting on me.
such big hands. we compared. I inspected your fingernails.
theyre working hands. hands that get things done.
strong and golden. every part of you is golden.
I notice these things. I wanted to experience every part of you.
I wanted you to have every part of me.
I didnt know your participation in games was strictly physical.
im not as attractive. or cool. or outgoing as your exgirlfriends.
but I was available, so you took me.
while I was in a whole other world.
we became one. and suddenly my new attachment was torn from my body.
our body became only my body. an empty house. desolate.
I cant place what part of me feels incomplete.
my hands especially, when our fingers locked.
yours were hot and heavy sunshine resting on me.
such big hands. we compared. I inspected your fingernails.
theyre working hands. hands that get things done.
strong and golden. every part of you is golden.
I notice these things. I wanted to experience every part of you.
I wanted you to have every part of me.
I didnt know your participation in games was strictly physical.
im not as attractive. or cool. or outgoing as your exgirlfriends.
but I was available, so you took me.
while I was in a whole other world.
trying to flush out the memories
alone in my driveway.
ten at night, I finished the ciggarete.
I tried not to think about it.
and I layed on my back and looked at the stars.
trying to reclaim them. the constelations you pointed out.
your lazy drone, as we stared into the sky stoned as shit
after we filled your bong with river water, and got high on the cold rock.
walking home, we were standing in the middle of the road.
I asked you about those stars, and we searched the sky.
"you see those three stars?"
"where?"
he leaned closer. my head touching his shoulder. he pointed.
"...there... you see it?"
"yeah, next to those two big ones?"
"thats orians belt...and then..." he shifted,
"there, that makes his bow," you posed in an arches stance,
"he's like that" "I see it."
your so smart, I thought. you could teach me so many things.
then you rode your bike into the distance. and I snuck back into my house.
now when I look up, i think of that moment. and its hard not to want to call.
my phone was in my pocket. and it made sense...
that there i was. smoking this stupid ciggarette that we were suposed to share.
and you wouldnt call. it should have been at that moment that you called.
it should have been right then.
but it wasnt. and I knew it wouldnt be.
so I looked down at my legs. my back still on the pavement.
I layed my hands across my stomach. and knew I was complete without you.
these are still my stars. we shared them once. but now your fuckn gone.
so I have to get used to sharing them with myself.
knowing I will be alright. and wanting you,
is only to fill an emptyness.
that i can fill myself.
if I try.
ten at night, I finished the ciggarete.
I tried not to think about it.
and I layed on my back and looked at the stars.
trying to reclaim them. the constelations you pointed out.
your lazy drone, as we stared into the sky stoned as shit
after we filled your bong with river water, and got high on the cold rock.
walking home, we were standing in the middle of the road.
I asked you about those stars, and we searched the sky.
"you see those three stars?"
"where?"
he leaned closer. my head touching his shoulder. he pointed.
"...there... you see it?"
"yeah, next to those two big ones?"
"thats orians belt...and then..." he shifted,
"there, that makes his bow," you posed in an arches stance,
"he's like that" "I see it."
your so smart, I thought. you could teach me so many things.
then you rode your bike into the distance. and I snuck back into my house.
now when I look up, i think of that moment. and its hard not to want to call.
my phone was in my pocket. and it made sense...
that there i was. smoking this stupid ciggarette that we were suposed to share.
and you wouldnt call. it should have been at that moment that you called.
it should have been right then.
but it wasnt. and I knew it wouldnt be.
so I looked down at my legs. my back still on the pavement.
I layed my hands across my stomach. and knew I was complete without you.
these are still my stars. we shared them once. but now your fuckn gone.
so I have to get used to sharing them with myself.
knowing I will be alright. and wanting you,
is only to fill an emptyness.
that i can fill myself.
if I try.
still a little outofmymind.
I hate that these things remind me of him.
It took me a week to finally get rid of the jack in the box cup,
full of malt liqure he left in my room. the fuzzy burning in my gut stung.
He said I could finish it, but I only drank half before my thoughts got goofy.
in the black of my room, with nothing but a long tee shirt. the window open.
no screen. we heard small squeeling things. squirells I said.
some fuckn crazy squirells. we laughed. their my family, you said.
amused. we bantered on. your a squirell hu? we smiled.
In the crook of your arm I inhaled. "even your armpit smells good."
it smelled like dirty gold. like cinimon. some exotic leaf. collone.
golden. everything about you was golden. a lion. yellow dust.
i loved it. it warmed my blues. my sheet rock of oceans.
my waves were rolling onto your sandy skin.
emotionally. I couldnt stop. I didnt realize how cold I was before you.
i should have noticed when you scoffed at my remark.
as if liking the smell of someones armpit was simply repulsive.
and it is, kind of. i agree. but I didnt care. i liked it.
our bodies seporated as I looked for my pack.
"dude I still had a cigg left, where did i put my pack"
he rolled off the edge of the bed. hanging your arms over the side,
helping me look by the bed. gone. we started laughing.
where did they go. our missing ciggarete was brought up many times.
haha, whatch its gunna show up in the fucking fish tank or something.
Ill call you in twenty years when it shows up, "hey! i found it"
and we'll smoke it.
well i found the ciggarete today.
its in my pocket. Im afraid to smoke it.
but I need to. it symbolizes something.
me, smoking alone. the cigarette I promised to share with you.
fuckkker. this ones mine.
It took me a week to finally get rid of the jack in the box cup,
full of malt liqure he left in my room. the fuzzy burning in my gut stung.
He said I could finish it, but I only drank half before my thoughts got goofy.
in the black of my room, with nothing but a long tee shirt. the window open.
no screen. we heard small squeeling things. squirells I said.
some fuckn crazy squirells. we laughed. their my family, you said.
amused. we bantered on. your a squirell hu? we smiled.
In the crook of your arm I inhaled. "even your armpit smells good."
it smelled like dirty gold. like cinimon. some exotic leaf. collone.
golden. everything about you was golden. a lion. yellow dust.
i loved it. it warmed my blues. my sheet rock of oceans.
my waves were rolling onto your sandy skin.
emotionally. I couldnt stop. I didnt realize how cold I was before you.
i should have noticed when you scoffed at my remark.
as if liking the smell of someones armpit was simply repulsive.
and it is, kind of. i agree. but I didnt care. i liked it.
our bodies seporated as I looked for my pack.
"dude I still had a cigg left, where did i put my pack"
he rolled off the edge of the bed. hanging your arms over the side,
helping me look by the bed. gone. we started laughing.
where did they go. our missing ciggarete was brought up many times.
haha, whatch its gunna show up in the fucking fish tank or something.
Ill call you in twenty years when it shows up, "hey! i found it"
and we'll smoke it.
well i found the ciggarete today.
its in my pocket. Im afraid to smoke it.
but I need to. it symbolizes something.
me, smoking alone. the cigarette I promised to share with you.
fuckkker. this ones mine.
learning how to roll tobacco ciggaretes.
Im broke.
almost missed my bus today.
ate a hard boiled egg for breakfast.
im recovering, regaining sanity.
but my insides still sink a little everytime the phone rings.
Im debating.
school is so awful.
I find it hard to talk to people.
I find it hard to care.
That guy on the bus. with the beard was probubly the coolest person Ive ever met... MAAAN.
I scratch my head when Im nervous.
I want some new bands to like.
youve ruined coco rosie, the misfits, and primus.
asshole.
you also ruined the stars.
Dogs on the floor.
pills on the floor.
Im on the floor.
we are all stuck on the ground.
we are all dragged down.
gravities a whore.
tonight I will have a smoke.
I will make my bed.
I will brush my teeth.
crush my pills.
snort.
s
l
e
e
p
Im broke.
almost missed my bus today.
ate a hard boiled egg for breakfast.
im recovering, regaining sanity.
but my insides still sink a little everytime the phone rings.
Im debating.
school is so awful.
I find it hard to talk to people.
I find it hard to care.
That guy on the bus. with the beard was probubly the coolest person Ive ever met... MAAAN.
I scratch my head when Im nervous.
I want some new bands to like.
youve ruined coco rosie, the misfits, and primus.
asshole.
you also ruined the stars.
Dogs on the floor.
pills on the floor.
Im on the floor.
we are all stuck on the ground.
we are all dragged down.
gravities a whore.
tonight I will have a smoke.
I will make my bed.
I will brush my teeth.
crush my pills.
snort.
s
l
e
e
p
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
getting more pathetic.
hate and love mingle.
two polar opposites become the same.
I miss your smell.
and shit. and bleed. and fuck. and spit. and die.
with you.
loath to love. love to loath.
nothing seeems to make any sense, anymore.
two polar opposites become the same.
I miss your smell.
and shit. and bleed. and fuck. and spit. and die.
with you.
loath to love. love to loath.
nothing seeems to make any sense, anymore.
cruelty.
my body couldnt decide,
to scream or to cry.
a writhering inside,
made for constant discomfort.
like you were inside of me,
clawing from my organs,
I was in withdrawl.
Like a threatened animal,
I wanted to hide, but the pain was inside.
unreturned love is a nasty nasty pain.
a slow rolling of nausea, regret.
what the fuck did I do wrong.
a million whys. the answers, and the facts get so twisted.
tears wouldnt come. my heart was in shock.
stale adreniline shot after weeks of blissful sedation.
The day I realized, I put myself into a coma.
line after line until I couldnt move.
my thoughts dimed, the bright aganizing light flickered.
feelings of home. safety. this high brought me down.
I fell hard, down into a tight packed layor of rock,
near the earths core. i slept there for hours.
thankfully my high came without dreams.
I hate when you visit me there.
to scream or to cry.
a writhering inside,
made for constant discomfort.
like you were inside of me,
clawing from my organs,
I was in withdrawl.
Like a threatened animal,
I wanted to hide, but the pain was inside.
unreturned love is a nasty nasty pain.
a slow rolling of nausea, regret.
what the fuck did I do wrong.
a million whys. the answers, and the facts get so twisted.
tears wouldnt come. my heart was in shock.
stale adreniline shot after weeks of blissful sedation.
The day I realized, I put myself into a coma.
line after line until I couldnt move.
my thoughts dimed, the bright aganizing light flickered.
feelings of home. safety. this high brought me down.
I fell hard, down into a tight packed layor of rock,
near the earths core. i slept there for hours.
thankfully my high came without dreams.
I hate when you visit me there.
Monday, October 4, 2010
DUCHHHEFUCKSHITASSCUNTBITCHFUCKKKERRRRR
my destroyer.
your indifference is staggering.
I gave you everything,
that you took with your stupid fucking lazy charm.
my bed, my ciggs, my weed, my money, my food, my cunt.
swirly boy. you smoke to much.
its imposible to speak, through ten feet of smog.
the lack of response turns me into an emotional infant.
I hate you.you fucking humiliated me.
I thought you liked me.
reaching your hand down my pants.
mine into yours.
so vulnerable. I was nervouse.
I liked you so much, and craved your reasurance.
It felt like love.
when you would pull my hair. cut into my back.
teeth, nails, grasping, panting, sweating, gasping.
and then lips, wet soft tounges like fat petals,
an unbarable indulgence. you were so good.
breathing on my neck.sucking.licking my ear.
but you never came. why why why.
was it me? I felt sick. like I couldnt get you off.
you didnt like what you felt beneath you.
then the distance. you became an asshole infront of your friends.
talking about other girls. wouldnt walk me home at 4am.
leaving me with short hostle response. rolling over.
moaning in your sleep, I felt like you were cheeting.
this imaginary girl. i couldnt get the facts straight.
I flattered myself. congering up an idea that you were so inlove with me,
things had begun getting complicated, and you where hurt,
cuz i was mad. but it wasnt.
you were just fucking erritated and wanted me to leave.
and today cheli called.
I told her to. and she asked you about us.
and I hate that middle school bullshit, but i had to know...
yet you made it clear that you had no interest in me,
and the sex was iniciated on my part.
cuz I wanted to. and were freinds,
but you dont like me, or want me. never did.
not looking for a girlfriend.
FUCCCCCCKKK YOOOOOUUUUUU.
you say it like I fucking molested you.
I was rubbing your side. that was it,
until YOU unhooked my bra.
YOU had the fucking hard on pressing into my back.
YOU started getting rough.
I took my pants off.
YOU did the rest of the work.
so fuck off. it was joint effort.
dont make me feel like a pitty fuck cuz your hot shit,
and I gained wieght. and I queefed (both times). AND i had no make up.
and it was really really really realllyyyy embarassing.
but we laughed, and it was raw.
for a minute we were human.
and i kinda wanted to die.
but it was ok.
still I worry i left you dissapointed.
all your girlfriends had big tits.
and I dont understand...
you never mentioned that your going to be a father.
your last girlfriend is pregnant. shes keeping it.
and it hasnt seemed to phaze you.
thats big. Im loosing it.
your memory is a welt on my ego.
nothing went as planned. I was so insecure.
you so nonchalaunt.
If it was just a fuck, why did we kiss.
why did you hold me. you cant do that to someone.
played me the fool, I worshiped you.
your indifference is staggering.
I gave you everything,
that you took with your stupid fucking lazy charm.
my bed, my ciggs, my weed, my money, my food, my cunt.
swirly boy. you smoke to much.
its imposible to speak, through ten feet of smog.
the lack of response turns me into an emotional infant.
I hate you.you fucking humiliated me.
I thought you liked me.
reaching your hand down my pants.
mine into yours.
so vulnerable. I was nervouse.
I liked you so much, and craved your reasurance.
It felt like love.
when you would pull my hair. cut into my back.
teeth, nails, grasping, panting, sweating, gasping.
and then lips, wet soft tounges like fat petals,
an unbarable indulgence. you were so good.
breathing on my neck.sucking.licking my ear.
but you never came. why why why.
was it me? I felt sick. like I couldnt get you off.
you didnt like what you felt beneath you.
then the distance. you became an asshole infront of your friends.
talking about other girls. wouldnt walk me home at 4am.
leaving me with short hostle response. rolling over.
moaning in your sleep, I felt like you were cheeting.
this imaginary girl. i couldnt get the facts straight.
I flattered myself. congering up an idea that you were so inlove with me,
things had begun getting complicated, and you where hurt,
cuz i was mad. but it wasnt.
you were just fucking erritated and wanted me to leave.
and today cheli called.
I told her to. and she asked you about us.
and I hate that middle school bullshit, but i had to know...
yet you made it clear that you had no interest in me,
and the sex was iniciated on my part.
cuz I wanted to. and were freinds,
but you dont like me, or want me. never did.
not looking for a girlfriend.
FUCCCCCCKKK YOOOOOUUUUUU.
you say it like I fucking molested you.
I was rubbing your side. that was it,
until YOU unhooked my bra.
YOU had the fucking hard on pressing into my back.
YOU started getting rough.
I took my pants off.
YOU did the rest of the work.
so fuck off. it was joint effort.
dont make me feel like a pitty fuck cuz your hot shit,
and I gained wieght. and I queefed (both times). AND i had no make up.
and it was really really really realllyyyy embarassing.
but we laughed, and it was raw.
for a minute we were human.
and i kinda wanted to die.
but it was ok.
still I worry i left you dissapointed.
all your girlfriends had big tits.
and I dont understand...
you never mentioned that your going to be a father.
your last girlfriend is pregnant. shes keeping it.
and it hasnt seemed to phaze you.
thats big. Im loosing it.
your memory is a welt on my ego.
nothing went as planned. I was so insecure.
you so nonchalaunt.
If it was just a fuck, why did we kiss.
why did you hold me. you cant do that to someone.
played me the fool, I worshiped you.
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