I saw him today.
was on the 33 heading home from CCC,
im an intense discussion with a guy named Matt,
about classes, art, drugs, government,
that was friendly and engaging.
when the bus pulled into the oregon city transit center,
i lost his gaze to look outside the window.
sitting on a bench in a red flannel, with dirty gold skin,
and high effortless cheeck bones. was the boy.
I tried to urge his eyes onto mine.
he seemed to be scanning the area.
meeting someone. going somewhere. waiting for a bus.
when I though he might see me,
I held up a peace sign. but his thoughts where elsewhere.
Matt stopped talking. I appologized.
"sorry, I know that kid, but i dont think he saw me."
I almost got off the bus. I almost called him.
I almost threw up in Matts face.
but I sat. the bus started up again, and golden boy dissapeared behind me.
Matt continued talking, and I couldnt concentrate on what he was saying.
I though about telling him.
"I just saw the boy that broke my heart, for the first time in three weeks. Im in love with that kid and he has no idea. I feel like throwing myself at his feet, but Im trying to maintain my self respect. he doesnt give a shit about me. He is the one person who has ever made me feel entirely worthless. my thoughts are spinning, and I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about right now"
insted I nodded. I talked back.
answered questions about myself.
contributed to the diologe.
made jokes. acted smart.
felt the blood still drained from my body.
speaking on autopiolet.
It just doesnt make sense.
why am I always saught after by these nerdy older guys.
I went to a party on saterday, where I was drooled over,
and told what a knock out I was, and how its such a shame im underaged.
these are the guys that I attract.
alex should be bending over backwards for me.
I should have value to him.
me should be itching to get back into my pants. (well I hope not iching)
but at least appreciative. a little enthusiasm.
is it because i made myself too available?
Being primative. almost a 19 year old man,
does he want a hunt not a sacrifice?
but i knew I wouldnt be worth a hunt.
he didnt care enough to pursue.
so I was easy. I fucked him thinking the emotions would follow.
well my stop aproached.
Matt asked my name again, and what days and times i would be at the college.
he hoped to run into me. it was great to meet me.
he shook my hand. strong eye contact.
I got off the bus. passed the road to alexs house knowing there was no fear of running into him now.
then I started thinking. and the delusions kicked in to help cope with the fear. the abandonment.
the tottal lack of conection between us.
alex knows that I go to school.
and i expalined my whole bus route to him.
he knows that everyday I stop at the oregon city transit center around 12.
he doesnt know that I no longer have to switch buses,
so now its just a straight shot. maybe he was hoping to run into me.
he was waiting. looking around. his face was stern. like he was thinking hard.
there was a pretty girl sitting a could benches away.
why wasnt he talking to her. she was prettier than me.
did he notice? would he strike up a conversation when the bus left?
I hate thinking about these things.
walking down my road I considered calling him. what i would say.
I wish he had texting. hes glad he doesnt.
but calling implys obvious effort.
it specificaly shows that you want to you have something you want to say.
I would say "hey alex! I just saw you at the oregon city transit center"
"ohh yeah? i didnt see you."
"I was inside the bus coming from ccc"
"... "
"so what you doin?"
"nuthn, just waiting for duncan. were suposed to get fronted another dime bag from this chick."
or,
"Im going down town to hang out with duncan and sell a dime bag to this chick"
or,
"just got back from duncans, we smoked bag with this chick"
and id say something stupid.
"haha. you got anything on you? Im down for a bowl."
he would say no. regardless of weather he had anything or not.
"you cant be all stingy with me after I smoked you out like ten times in a week."
"I never asked you to smoke me out."
"dude you asked me for a bowl"
"yeah, one bowl."
"it was my last one."
"then why did you give it to me?"
"I dunno. figured youd return the favor soomeday."
"alright well my bus is here i gotta"
"kay, see ya. hey I need my book back tho. the one about the dali lama. someone else loaned it to me, you can hold on to the orange one if your still reading it."
"no you can have them both back. ill drop them off in a couple days."
"whatev. see ya."
"peace."
trust me, thats exactly how it would have gone.
so why bother.
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