I need to stop this obsessive bullshit.
If our friends knew I spent my time blogging about how incomplete I am without you,
and drawing fucking wierd pictures of you on you school work.
i would be shunned. this isnt cool.
this is creepy. its pathetic.
i need a rebound. i need sanity.
I need something. (and i think thats my problem)
Im always in need. and nothing satisfies me.
Im addicted to everything.
I need something.
its not you.
its not drugs.
its not food.
its not love.
its not sex.
its not internet.
its not self destruction. mutilation. starvation. lack of sleep. over sleep.
then WHAT DO I NEED.
where is this mystery filler?
this thing that will keep my misery under control.
ive tried everything. you where the closest Ive ever come.
but that isnt healthy. I cant be codependent like that.
its not right. its not a genuin feeling of "okay"
its phony. external joy. an ego booster.
what I need has to come from the inside,
but I close my eyes and try to push happiness,
and self contentment through my interrior.
but it just makes me feel alone, and sober, and hungry, and empty, and horney, and bored.
making me.... need something.