keeping things simple is key.
complexities rattle my brain.
my emotions kick my ass.
my anxiety flares up like arthritis,
and i am incapable of movement.

its not as real as it could be.
but its getting there. its more real than a lot of things.

and Im at a loss for what to say becuase my main focus has become a single soul.

he is not in a position to love. i know he is considering it.
but he has found somewhere he thrives.
and thats wonderful. obviously where he is suposed to be in life.
at this juncture. so im happy i have a friend.
who loves me. in certian ways.
we will see where it goes.

but im not putting my life on hault.
not interested in other boys at the moment.
what i should be doing.

simply focus on what feels right. what feels right.

what does feel right?

now. cigarette.

yep

2:24amit's funny because I do actually have a pretty regimented plan for tomorrow.2:25amwell then maybe im dissalined with the stars. that doesnt apply to me at all..2:25am*yet.2:25amor im like the ultimate aries- because I really dont have any plans.2:25amhahayou're so ultimate you defy astrology!.2:26amwell the astrologer(?) is kind of dissing on all the other aries. like "your an aries your suposed to be free" but I am free- so im the ultimate aries :)theres my logic.2:27amMakese sense.2:28amcrack fox :))like stealer.2:28amblarb.2:28amno worries.2:29amsighI miss you already!Stop being so awesome.2:29amkay, ill start saying really lame things.starting now.2:29amwait that's my job.2:30amnope, to awesome. cant do it :)your job is to say lame things?!.2:30amsometime.2:30amdissagreeyour you. thats not lame.and you have an excellent vocabulary..2:31amI really do.2:31amjust saying..2:31amI don't even know where I got it lolI just really like being very specific with my words :].2:32amits impressive.its GUUD.2:32am:DI figure there's all sorts of wonderful words out there, might as well use them :].2:33amI agree. and its easier to get your point across when you can be articulate about it. i just cant fucking spell..2:34amlolit's ok, I can't write..2:34amI cant walk.2:34amWere it not for the keyboard, I don't think I'd ever communicate XD.2:34amhahahaI like to writeI like to typeI like to talk most of the timedepending on who it is.2:36amWe'd be the perfect stereotypical married couple with a white picket fence. You'd do the talking on the fone and the xmas cards, and I'd do the socializing over the fences.and/or bbq pool party jokesjust sayin.2:37amhahaha. okay. in 20 years. we'll do it. and then get funky in the nursing home.2:37amWooo!.2:38amyou can switch from thizz to viagra!and ill massage your pressure points:p.2:38amXD.2:39amthat sounds really gross next to viagra and nursing homes.but i will be a good sport. :o.2:39amlolalright, I gotta get off the computatorneed sleeps.2:42amnighttt.2:42am<3 you and will hopefully see you tomorrowDon't forget the glow sticks :3.2:42amkk, ill keep glow sticks handyxoxoxo.2:43am:]night.2:43am

10:37pmthere's no disadvantage in warm fuzzy feelings :P10:41pmdisadvantage*


aha

umm, idk what to say then

guess ill let it go10:44pmI do really like spending time with you, cuddling you, kissing you, being with you, doing x rated things with you and all that fun stuff, but here's where I'm at.

I am REALLY in to this whole rave scene right now, and I really enjoy doing the things I do at raves, which includes making out with random people and flirting with everyone and sometimes even hooking up in the back of my besties car :P

I can't do these kinds of things if I'm in a relationship (no matter what form that takes), it's rude disrespectul and it'd just end up with everybody hurt.

As for my feelings for you, I think you're awesome and fun, down to earth and really open minded, all of which are things I find attractive :]

So I feel like we're great for eachother as friends with makeouts or whatever we want to call it, but I'm not looking/wanting to be anything more then that right now.10:45pmgood. thank you.10:45pmSorry that took so long >.<10:45pmas long as i know where your at with things- then im fine

ive just been hurt a lot so i need to know these things, so i can put restraints on how much of myself i give up

that really sucks that your so consumed with raving, at least on my part. but its understandable so i can respect that.

its kinda sad, cuz if i like someone they become the apple of my eye. and im extreemly loyal. you seem to have intrests all over the place.10:49pmI live too much in the moment is the problem10:49pmnot a problem

road block for certian things. but not bad.

its wierd tho. it seems like a real and consistant relationship would be more satisfying than the alternative. but your a dude, and thats what most dudes do. 10:52pmI agree that a real and consistant one is WAY better.

But I've been doing that since I was 15. I'm sick of it.10:53pmthen maybe you just havent found your special someone. in the mean time im happy to be your friend. whatever we have is fine and your free to do as you please.

then this is probubly something you need to go thru

i JUST got done with that phase, and find it disgusting. your obvioulsy not there yet :p11:03pmidk like

I feel like if I was in a relationship right now it'd have to be a super casual one, and I don't want that with you... like if we're going to be together then I want to be TOGETHER. You're not the kind of girl I could just like... 'date'. You know?

And I'd rather put it off and have a shot at a longer term thing then try and do something now and have it just crumble and fail.11:07pm I agree with you completly.

so all is well, im glad we talked about it

basicly we both do whatever feels right. if we grow together or grow apart its all part of life rich tapistry :D11:10pmSounds perfect <311:10pmto quote some boosh :p

happy 11:11

btw 11:11pmYay! cheer11:12pmi wish for a cigarette brb11:12pmgood luck!11:18pmback

success11:19pmomg I'm listening to an amazing SuperK mix11:21pmcecily just explained to me what the is

that*11:21pmoh lol you could have just asked me XD11:21pmtoday was the first time i had heard of it

she metioned it, and i was tottaly lost, so she enlightened me :)11:22pm:]11:22pmIM listening to the shins11:23pm:D11:24pmI thought i was burnt out. but havent listened to them in like 24 hours- so im back :D11:24pmXD11:26pmthey fit my life, so its a good soundtrack.11:26pmI'm listening to happy hardcore remixed Limp Bizkit11:27pmlimp biskit?!11:27pmYeah11:27pmohh my!

is it good?11:27pmIt's... ok

I like the lyrics, and the music doesn't sound like limp bizkit so it's good :D11:29pm:)11:40pmcant possibly be as awesome as THIS song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lswckcEAqd811:41pmhttp://downloads.superk.dj/Jim%20Green%20-%20Ice%20Cream%20Monster%20(2010-01-23)%20(320kbps).mp3

fuck dat noise

:P11:44pmWHAAAAT

no hambergurs and hot dogs? :p11:44pmno11:44pmand yea, thats pretty sick.

but its sow awesome.11:45pmI gotta go grab my dose for tomorrow, Ill be back in 1511:46pmkk

it had to of made you giggle11:46pmI thought about giggling

I almost made it to culmination

but I premature "that's fucking stupid"ated11:47pmok, fair enough

ASS11:47pmOK BRB

<3333333333333311:48pm<3

well-

I guess I dont write much when happy.
Not that there isnt anything to say-

But my urge is gone.
I would rather do silly things.
do things akin to butterflies, and rollercoasters.

giant bright things in the sky.
"what is that foriegn object?!"

its unstoppable. its running its course.
its adrenaline pumping. a hungry release.

when my body is pressed joyously into his-
and my hormones are going baserk.

its a downsize, from dirty, sexy, fith.

to overwhelmingly cute.

just. so. fucking. cute.

will add responses later today via EDIT button

Trying to create yourself makes you stray father from who you really are.


The things you want to change, the way you want to talk, look, and act.

The way you want to be seen is like a dirty love affair with the person you are not.

But the human carrying these longings, that is you. searching and insecure.

You find them and make friends. find beauty in the way you have been.

your manorisms, your essence that is unlike any other.

Your body produces pharamones. you own sent. allow this to match your exterrior.



then something wonderful happends.



its hope. and self respect. and contentment.

its many things. all great things.



I stated that we dont create who we are, we fall into it. This is something that I've intentionally changed in my brain. I've come to the conclusion inside myself that...

The creation of who we are doenst have to be something that is thought out and planned. And what it boils down to, in my opinion, is a prefrence in termonology. I prefer to say I create as I go, for the sake of being in control. If I were to say that I'm simply discovering, than, in my head, it tells me that who I am is already pre-determined. I would hate to live my life like that. I would feel as if the road I'm to travel has already been marked out for me, when really, I wish to blaze my own path.



My skeleton and skin, and my brain, also I suppose, are more than just a carrying vessel. They're the glue that holds everything together. They somehow intertwine who I am, who I'm not, and how I wish I was. Instead of a dirty love affair, it becomes a dirty three some. And I suppose that in desperate times, one could look in my eyes, and see a warped understanding of the world, because of the clashing and meshing of these three things. However, when how I wish I was merges with who I am, than I create another aspect of who I am not. And in this I find harmony. I've just created a better understanding, right?



As far as pharamones and essence and my own scent are concerned, (I'm going to approach this as if I was an animal, lol and I have no idea how pharamones scientifically work in your body, but in my head right now, this all will make sense lol) I think I have control over those too. To a certain extent, obviously my essence (my personality, my likes and dislikes, my characteristics of spirit, NOT BODY) were determined at a young age. But only the base is still present in my brain today. For example, when I was younger, I played with barbies. I LOVED my barbies! Everytime I played with them, I became over cheerful, and gave off an incredibly happy vibe. Now, I fuckin hate those things. I hate what they unintentionally potentially teach to young girls. They disgust me. Im sure that looking at one today, I would give off a different vibe.

My point of all this, is that likes and dislikes in people change on a daily basis. There is no such thing as a consistant essence, or an unchanging deffinition of who we are. It not something that ever stops progressing. I create as I go.



we break our own hearts. insanely true.

but heart break is part of the beauty of life.



But as with coloring-

as long as you are happy, scribble the fuck out of that page.

in the end a nicely colored one will amount to nothing.

its the process of expression that matters.

OK, a lot of things in life are beautiful. Heartbreak, is NOT one of them. What is pretty about crying endlessly, or feeling like youre drowing everytime you try to breathe deep? Uhh, no thank you! I will agree however that the lessons learned from heartbreak are priceless. And in order to learn and grow as humans, we must experience emotional pain.



A responce to the next paragraph will have to be given at a different time, I need extra time to process this.



you have to find it all on your own. no one can help you.

you have to take a deep breath and discover whats out there to be taken.

if you follow your heart, and are in the right place it will not dissapoint.



Are you sure? What if following your heart mean defying your brain. Or lets say, youre in the right place, like Rosemont, and youre heart tells you to run.

Everyone needs help in life.

And finding fulfillment, takes luck.

:) respose to makenna-

We dont create who we are. We fall into it. We dont shape our existance, we just simply adjust our molds. Eventually we all fall out of our fear. I hope. It's not hard to imagine a life without hope. We struggle through the random nonsense, only to emerge to an even foggier outcome. I am not happy.



Trying to create yourself makes you stray father from who you really are.
The things you want to change, the way you want to talk, look, and act.
The way you want to be seen is like a dirty love affair with the person you are not.
But the human carrying these longings, that is you. searching and insecure.
You find them and make friends. find beauty in the way you have been.
your manorisms, your essence that is unlike any other.
Your body produces pharamones. you own sent. allow this to match your exterrior.

then something wonderful happends.

its hope. and self respect. and contentment.
its many things. all great things.



We pretend we wont float-- We pretend we cant fly. We break our own hearts, really it's true. There's not really much of a difference between who I was born as, and who I will die as. Life is like an uncolored coloring page, laziness brings about scribbles. Scribbles just muddy the outcome... And this is disapointment. You understand right, dont you? Should I make more of an effort to dumb down my excessive mind wanderings?

we break our own hearts. insanely true.
but heart break is part of the beauty of life.

But as with coloring-
as long as you are happy, scribble the fuck out of that page.
in the end a nicely colored one will amount to nothing.
its the process of expression that matters.






This is disapointment, All of it.

you have to find it all on your own. no one can help you.
you have to take a deep breath and discover whats out there to be taken.
if you follow your heart, and are in the right place it will not dissapoint.


I dont want to fight for happiness anymore, I dont want to fight at all.


But We will, I know We will.

inching closer

My face has permantly molded into a smile.
The universe loves me, my pain has finaly warn off-
Like a sickly drunk sober. This feeling is new.
I respect myself. I love myself. mildly...
and its okay if time doent pass a million miles per second.
If he doesnt respond the way I like. I have been taught something.

The way I deserve to be treated. The power I hold inside.
I am far from an object. far from stupid.

I am much to wonderful to associate with people who mock my value.

Do not dissobey your queen.

Your gunna fall out of the balcony-
containing my thought.

I cover my eyes, plug my ears.
close my legs. I try to sew my mouth shut.

"I love yous" are erupting.
starting in my chest, you look at me-

and thats it. the earthquake rumbles.
My tounge trembles. the stiches begin to tear.

dont say it. dont think it. dont believe it.

but my biology is changing. organs rearanging.

I think I love you.

I think things are happening inside of you to.
and when we walk down the street, men stare.
I am a magnet of attraction. and all yours.

put me in a little box, to do as you wish.
I trust you not to waste. I am yours.

"your so pretty when your unfaithful to me"

I think I am simultaniously the vainest, and most insecure person I have ever met.
Even though I have never met myself-
I sure look in the mirror a lot. And have many inside the head arguements.

Someone I connect with.
Drugs where on the opposite side of my mind,
a little flicker of an idea- with no meaning.
I was content to sit on the bus holding his hand,
and being made to smile. made to laugh.
and be kissed. and be kissed while smiling.

The Shins will always remind me of him.
coming home, and reading his text-
I miss you already.

laying on my bed, out of my body.
100% sober. is that possible?
I could be sober, and happy.

spending an evening with a very sweet boy,
having done nothing but kissed softly,
coming home to take a bath,
and listen to the Shins.

no title.

my nose is close to the leaves,
foreging on my hands and knees.
searching for something real.

Im glad. because I have learned the things to avoid.
what tastes bad. the sour beettles. the debree with no nutrients.

I thought thats all there was to eat.
until I found something very sweet.

and I realised something. wonderfully tall and grand.
I fell upward. I laughed backwards. I sang into nothing.

my mouth was made to be fed sweet things.

mmm. bliss

the last week

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/photo.php?fbid=1628904855986&set=a.1537638454383.76385.1637524564

this is a picture of where I slept friday night with a guy named MOB.
I had gone to this underground rave, and had a shit time after only taking half a tab of E.

But I had been ridiculously excited to see Luvr.
(the guy I told you a couple weeks ago I really liked. well we ended up meeting up at Jingle Bomb-
and he said I could stay at his house for a while. There is no way to describe how calm and safe I felt around him. he asked me if I was ready to go, and I said yes. So he grabbed my hand, and we walked in the rain to his friends car. Our highs were in sync, I had taken seven thizz pills, him only two. but we were both winding down and enjoying the calm. in the car we layed under this green fuzzy blanket, and talked for hours. I could talk to him about anything. and when our mouths met, it was fuckn euphoric. We fooled around in the backseat for a while, dropped Sugar Rush off, then went to his house. I stayed three days, where the two of us did nothing but whatch  ren and stimpy, play xbox, take naps, cuddle, and fuck, we would stay up till 5 in the morning talking. on day three he gave me some bus money and i went home)

Then like last wed I had gone down town on my to find something to do.
I met some street kids who SEEMED cool, and I agreed to shroom with them.
horrible idea. by the end of the night I was so useless I could barely talk.
I couldnt think. I was scared, and was getting ambushed by guys trying to get me to go with them places.
people kept touching me. Domo the guy I was with was getting very possesive and wouldnt leave me alone.

I ran into Angelo, who I fucked a couple weeks before.
I looked at him with disgust, then hated myself for ever having anything to do with him.
Im so much better than that. then all of this.

So I called Luvr (steve)
and he talked me through it. he gave me directions to get home,
and said he knew I could do it. I was starting to feel better,
then Domo came looking for me and I told him I was leaving.

he left, and i stayed on the phone with steve for a bit until i found my bus.
My step dad picked me up insted, and we talked the whole drive home.
I told him I hated myself. I hated everyone I knew. and drugs weren't keeping me happy anymore.
we drove around in circles, and he talked me through it. said i could always confined in him.
with my anxiety gone, I could get back to enjoying my trip. my body high bounced back.

then I went home, and my mom started crying and said we needed some house rules.
i agreed, then we whatched Zack and Miri make a porno, and I ate like 500 pizza pockets.

so back to the underground rave. I didnt understand when steve was being so stand offish.
MOB was all over me, and i really wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
it made me mad, cuz without steve with me i was alone-
and a target for gross horney manipulative assholes.
Id try to go up and talk to steve, but he was being very strange.
I asked him if I could get a ride close to Lynnwood and he said the car was full,
so I was like "alright Im just gunna go" and of course MOB tagged along.
the whole walk home he fed me little put downs, and lies.

saying Luvr thought I wasnt pretty enough, or he didnt even care that I was at the rave.
but MOB cared about me a lot and thought I was beautiful.

we found a place to squat, and MOB touched me in all the wrong places.
and It felt horrible, and I just wanted steve. MOB was 19,
and was recently released from prison for murder (self defense)
he was bi, and had fucked guys. so why the hell did I let him take off the condom.

because he wasn't finishing fast enough and I just wanted it to be over.
In the moring we were woken up by a bunch of homeless men,
who said there was some free feed at jack in the box.

When I saw MOB in the cold light, I wanted to puke.
green slime collected at the corners of his eyes.
gross hairs poped up around his chin.
his hair was greasy. I was angry.
at myself, but mostly at steve for letting me leave with him.


I told him I was going home to shower and sleep, and would meet up with him to spange later,
so we could both get in to happy chronica. he decided he wanted to stay with me,
and bus to Lynnwood and wait outside by the TC for me to be done.
I said no he should just go home. he seemed aware that my plan to go home was a ploy to get rid of him.

It was really off putting that he knew I wanted him gone, and was still resisting.
so I told him I was taking a different 511 bus to my house without him.
he said "Wait! give me a hug first!"
like... WTFFFFFFF. leave me alone.

So I got myself home. my legs were sore. in between was bleeding from to much sex.
I ate some mac n cheese, then got online and talked to Steve. this was saterday.
we made plans to meet at chronica. I took a bath, and got dressed up.

MOB was texting me and calling me obsessively.
I got dressed up in a skirt and fishnets and black and pink strapless shirt.
bussed downtown, and spanged 25 dollars. holding a sign that said "hugs for a dollar"
outside I met up with Epic. hung out for a bit then paid and went in to the rave.
it was at the ORB and fucking spectacular. a really big dirty old building.
graffiti everywhere, doors ripped off, giant ceilings. Lights and two separate dance rooms.

Dwayne and his fat drug friend came up to me franticly.
"are you gunna kick it with us tonight, you want pills? Ill give you pills, can you come outside with me? im not a wierdo or anything, I just want to fuck you so bad. do you want pills?"

so he gave me three extacy pills.
I went to another room. some really tall guy high out of his mind comes and dances by me.
his name is yawn, im peaches. he attacks my face with his mouth out of nowhere.
I ask if he knows where I can get extacy, looking all young and stupid.
he smiles and grabs my hand and leads me to another room.
the dealer asks me how many I want to buy, I say I have no money.
the dealer says he cant, then yawn gives him this awful look.

and I wonder how it is that guys think I am so fucking stupid. The look said this..
"please give this chick a tab of E so she will get high enough to fuck me"
and the dealer rolled his eyes, and gave me a pill. Yawn mouthed thank you.

but Im sneaky. I left yawn and found Luvr.

I realised that the reason he avoids me at raves, is because we both come to forget ourselves.
but the last time I stayed with him we made ourselves vulnerable. we shared truths with eachother.
So this time-
 when I saw him and we kissed. it wasnt a rave kiss. we didnt smile.
it was slow, and passionate, and the look in his eyes afterwards explained everything.

we sat down. "are you rolling" I asked.
he said yeah, but he took another one so he would catch up to me soon. he had taken two.
he asked how many I had. I  held up four fingers.

standing next to him, I think he understood why I get nervous at raves.
MOB came up to me, and I shoo'd him away. Yawn came up to me.
Nick came up to me, who I left after leaving a giant bruise on my tit.
Dwayne came up to me. and I managed to get him to leave.

steve looked at me and said "that guy was checking you out something hard"
and I said yeah i was gunna go. I couldnt take getting ambushed like that.
he agreed, and I called my mom for a ride home.

Got a text from Steve the next day, and we both agreed we wanted to stop raving for a while.
and we should start doing sober things together. he said it was a wonderful idea.


so fuck. thats been the last week of my life. there is so much more but honestly its hard to remeber much before that. mostly a lot of drugs and dudes.

god damnit.

why the fuck arnt we cuddling right now.

you are my magnet

I have finaly found a souce of good in the world.
someone whos every flaw is an act of utter perfection.

all people,
are on a different frequency.
a long cord streching into an unknown direction.

when you meet, most are dissalined.

but with this... new creature.

every one of my jagged edges, are fit by him.
A kiss has never been so smooth.
If I close my eyes, I can sense his warmth across the room.
His body is an anchient tower, I have known my entire life-
but filled with a sweetness every turn beautiful and strange to me.
I melt into him. we mold. I feel as one. our hearts fuse-
and make one solid bass line. ontop of which,
our hands whisper "I love you"

Last night was the first,
I realised he was falling to.
and it really is akin-
to standing on the edge of a cliff.
out of your mind with fear, but the touch of him,
brings instant safety. He is all present. diliberate in his actions.
My extacy in human form.

missing dignity

This is where I slept friday night,
after the underground rave.
as dirty as it gets. coming down.
so terribly cold, I was soaking wet in goosebumps.
chills rattled my bones with the violence of wind.
Another instance, where I could not look at his face.
There was no pleasure. and I felt sick the next day-
when his nose was running, and green slime collected in the corners of his eyes.
why why why did I let him take off the condom.
why was I there in the first place.
why am I so afraid to say no.
so easily manipulated.

You are not welcome here

one side of my jaw is dying.
absolutly fucking dying.
two fat ugly teeth are ripping my gums apart,
and forcing their way up-
metal fists grinding away at my soft nerves.
it hurts. it itches. it aches. it throbs.
like an ivory mangled dick of solid bone-
raping my mouth. FUCK.
make the pain stop. its spread to my entire head.
My jaw is sobbing, my brain is angry.
fuck you wisdom teeth.
go awaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

such a wild ride of events

a circulating aray of memories.
of love, and flashing lights.
an oder of pharamones, and animals thrashing.
touching one another, a never ending pit of faces,
some in fear, some in control. and the men that dance,
a look in their eyes of lust and urgency.
a smile that means nothing a smile should.
the woman the girls, the beatiful sex angels,
slipping in pools of their own saliva.

Then this calm. this beautiful warm rumbling,
as the car moves through a fortress of rain.
everything so dark. the car is my womb-
and He is my twin. our tounges form the embilical cord,
of this backseat romance.

the next a lazy awakening.
sore, and freashly born again to the old world.
a world of greasy hair, and neverending yawns.
a day to play quietly. some brief laughter breaks,
and all is well again. I curl up on his lap-
and fall asleap, a strong hand cupping my breast.

but then we always have to come home.
we always have to go back to ourselves.

*twirls in circles*

"Im in love, Im in love.. and I dont care who knows it!"

good lord this is awesome.

Its sad

that i feel so sure of myself,
so centered, and imune to riducle-
after a couple drinks.

weve been talking, and I realised...
sober! I over reacted.
I analize things so severly that they inevitably look

..Fucking terrible.

So now I dont care. its the way it should be.
when im drinking. everything is right,
and if he doesnt like me. I know its not my fault.
There is someone out there for everyone,
and I am simply not for him.

its okay.
everything feels so, Okay.
its such a relief. its so right.
This feeling, this intoxication...

its my G spot.

Is this love, is this love, is this love...

"you say you cant say anymore,
youve already said it before.. in a million different ways that were all not quite right"

-Clap your hands and say yeah

Fallen back down the rabbit hole

It just isnt fair,
To want someone so badly...
your heart dropped into a blender,
Head cast down. ashamed at the thought,
that maybe you arnt good enough.

I have found that good looks alone are only half the battle,
the rest of which I am severly lacking.
I am afraid to be myself, afraid of saying the wrong thing-
and losing the only thing I feel can make me happy.

Once I get that idea in my head,
The phantom sensation of his skin on mine.
I go mad with desire. I want to know him inside out,
and bath in his smiles. I cannot have anyone else.

I want no food, no sleep, no destractions-
from this strange obsession with a stranger.

Is there any way of talking myself out of this?
Lust is a deaf, unreasonable charecter.
And although I try to calm myself,
there is a panting bitch inside of me,
who has spotted her ideal mate.
The strongest of the pack.

But he seems to have cast her aside.
She is a pup. he is 22. she has nothing.
He has it all figured out.

Now im scared, that maybe I should just hide.
meeting him once, five days ago, I feel like their is to much unesiccary emotion attached-
for it to ever work out. The stress level is to high, my eyes would dark from side to side.

Make it fun. lose expectations.
The fear of abandonment is at root.
need to cut the tree from the ground,
so that I may be free...

I hate my mother.
I hate how weak she is. How sick, and wrong, and lost, and cruel, and sad, and,
such a fucking sadistic manipulative bitch.

I hate that whatching her life spiral out of control-
feels like a flash into the future of my own.

I cannot argue with her because its like argueing with myself.
Mothers shouldnt tell their daughters the things she does.

and she plays the victem constantly. like im wronging her,
its my fault, she is inoccent. but im supposed to be the fucking kid.
grow up, bitch! you feel like a falure of a parent because you are.

The brief times when you are calm, supportive, and stable...
if you dont see the payoffs you give up.
switch back to this additure where their is no way to reason with you.
you are on constant defense.
I dont feel safe with you. emotionally you are more fucked up than I am.

But I feel guilty because she has cancer.
my mother could die, and this would be the last of it.
When I get mad I think unspeakable things.
I think how much easier, and less painful my life might be...
if she wasnt in it. :/

If I wasnt in my life.
If everyone could just die.

cracks on the walls. cracks on the street.

Tuesday. one of those days-
you forget you should be thankful to be alive.
reminints of oxygen filtering through the smog.
You awake at noon, and the fact is elusive:

this is not your death bed.

you have 24 hours to waste and complain.
to snap at peaople who dont deserve it. to cheet and lie.

Wednesday. a day that could never come.
the story ending on page 99.
before its happy ending.

Thursday? hopes for the future.
The ending you wish would come.
rarely do you predict all your thursdays will get lost in a world of tuesdays.

I will forever be waiting, angry at life,
taking what isnt mine, and hating myself.
spending years and years of endless tuesdays.

This Tuesday I will take the bike, in fishnets and a grey coat.
with some cardboard and pack of cigarettes-
to the lynnwood transit center. I will sit on my ass,
and ask for their change. I dont have a job,
and Im not in school. Ive stole from my family, and used my friends...

yet the world is in debt to me.
and nothig is ever enough.

I havent used in three days, If I still havent by the fourth...
maybe a pact with the devil can be made.

Trees and ocean, and red red romance.
with poets, and singing angels would be nice.

But such things are left only for thursdays.

...Its mondays I cant remember.

love junkie

"will the wind, ever remember
 the names it has blown in the past?"

we all are constantly in and out of love.
forgeting and remembering. like a smell,
that takes us back to a time when things were different.

I dont think I even have anything to say.
the lusious spores of my mind are dried up,
Ive become another shallow bullshit muncher.
concerened with nothing of value.
lost in a world of myself.
such a visious world..

food coma

didnt eat all day today, all day yesterday except for a couple bites of my moms bagle.

then hunger struck me like lightning straight from jesus's asshole.
I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY.

top Romen, tuna sandwich, watermelon arizona, hot chettos, and fruit snacks.
hahahaha, it was amazing.

my first taste of anything close to happiness scince coming down.

and my body cries out,
"more, more, more, more."

you cannot experience such intense feelings of euphoria,
without falling into a sudden depression-
to find that your feelings of completeness, and carefree lust for life,
was only an artificail chemical reaction in your brain.

as the feelings wane, its like shock.
then despare. please dont let this feeling end, please dont make me go back to the way things were.

and I feel angry and betrayed. like my best freind has walked out on me.
left me with nothing. and then its like sickness. my mind spinning,
unsure why I cant feel so good all the time, and that the previous joy was a lie.
I have been robbed, I have been tricked.

Its heartbreak, falling out of love, its abandonmet from your mother,
your caretaker, its every miserable lonely feel combined into one.

Your sweating now. trying to sleep and close your eyes,
but when your eyes shut its a nightmare still intensified.

The following day-
Today...

I feel absolutly disgusted.
my actions the previous night, general fatigue,
and an intollerance for those around me.
the night before I felt tottal devotion and admiration for those around me.
Now I feel like driving a skrewdriver through my skull everytime my mother or adam opens there mouth.
I hate everyone. I want to be alone. I want more extacy. more more more extacy.
because without-
my mundane bored tick tock tick tock existance is intollerable.

life just fucking sucks.
why shouldnt I feel good all the time?

sail away on a Wave of Mutilation. given my goodbye drive my car into the ocean.

They go on bickering like children. at least adam charged my ipod, but his "fucked up attempt at dicipline" was a little immature, not to mention futile (haha come on now, Im 17 and have been to 11 lockdown correctional facilities.. haha why on earth would I listen to your bitch ass?) and my ma is no better, even though she usually has more of an arguement- its like if she had any sense she wouldnt bother trying to debate with him. I consider myself to be a little more out of the loop. I put in my headphones, and tell them not to bring me into it. Listening just makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with them... why when imersed in something it is often so hard to see the situation clearly. I wait patiently for my mother to get fed up, and leave. but she keeps fighting. keeps losing. Then they make up, he leaves her hopeful with ingenuine appologies, and a weak smile. which she sees sufficient time and time again. Love is such a cunning deciever. You can fall for anything, over and over and over again. because you just want it to be true so badly. I get it, and when the honeymoon period wheres off she always snaps, and is in a fit of self righteous "I dont need yous". so angry at being falsly led into the same trap.(its like the guy from shutter island. a big break through, then not being able to come with the break through, and forcing the mind to foget the past, and stay disscontent in the illusions that leave one comforted but ultimatly empty)  sooner or later always lapsing into the way things where. giving up. and the two of them retarded little love birds playing fall out on xbox and pretending some great headway was made. Dont get me wrong, I can tollerate adam on his own, he is an asshole but so are a lot of people. Whats erritating is the two of them together, their never ending cycle. its so predictable it seems as though they must have sever mental handicaps not to agknowlage its the same shit that has been going on for years, and nothing is going to change, without changing. one appology does nothing. the issue is obviously more complicated, and the motherfuckes simply are not compatable. but whatever. Even though my mother remains the more respecable one when dealing with her words, the noble problem solver, I think it shows much less maturity on her part for even associating with him. The chess club doesnt hang out with the special ed kids. let alone try to play chess with them. maybe my comparrison to my parents mental abilities is a little harsh, and crude. but its hard to think of any better examples. to me its just pure stupidity. an example of this bullshit, is the incident from earlier. I came home in a decent mood, still hyped up on caffine, having finished half of my college testing and feeling pretty confident about it, listening to a damn good song, and enjoying all the cute artsy boys making googly eyes in my direction on my way home from the college. I felt productive, I felt mighty fine. so I open the front door, and step inside. the house smelled like unwashed hair and cigarettes. my mother was frowning, and adam stood staring blankly into the refrigorator. I took off my coat, and said something to mom in regards to my triumphant achievment of finding my way home from the campus without getting lost. Adam turned to me holding a bag of bagles from the food bank. "Can you put these away" I looked at him in dissbelief, but assumed he was trying to be funny? like ohh, puting the bagles away was just to overwhelming and complicated for him. being two feet away from the open fridge, and the bagles in his hand. but when I laughed, left and came back he was still waiting with the bagles on the counter now. I opend the fridge, and cramed them in the second shelf. Figured id forget about it, then sat on the futon. he started freeking out, and I tuned most of the conversation out until I made my way into it. Apparently he was mad, because he had left some food and garbage on the floor, and when he asked me to put away the bagles, I also did not clean up his trash. he threw the remaining food from the floor away. and continued to argue with mom, who was calling him on his bullshit. I yelled out "I aint yo mama." still a little amused that this was even an issue. after further probing, adam told my mother that in throwing away the food he was trying to dicipline me. and my mom threw down ten fold. after that, and my favorite song over... I reluctantly stood up, put on my boots, and mossed on down to the office to use the computers. Its frustrating, when I seem to be the mature one, and my mother feels so far away when devoting all of herself to some asshole, and losing herself in such an obvious cycle. So im doing my own thing. sometimes the two of them make me chuckle. other times it repulses me. now.. its a little of both. But its 1:30 and I got nothing left to do today.Which is lame, cuz sitting at the stinky house, with two big babies is going to brew in me a very bad mood. I could go out.. but Im no good at meeting new people, Im broke, its overcast. guess the peek of my day (an uneventful trip to edmonds, two hours of testing, a brisk walk and a cigarette) wraps things up. the peek of my day winding down. what the hell do people do all day?? When I was in school, I used to look longingly out the window, and felt like their where a million better more useful ways I could be filling my time. but its lies. all lies. when you are without money, and introverted, the world doesnt have much to offer you. I dont know how to have meaningless adventures alone, or without drugs. Acid or Extacy, fuck. sitting in a room by yourself is an adventure. With someone I love, a conversation is an adventure. but this? idk, im lost.

lynnwood library.
I wish I lived here insted.
at least I some can take parts with me.

anticipating a relaxing luncheon

"I am simply famished"

time for lunch

Im fuckn hungry.

misery bloggers revolt!

so im thinking ill start paying attention to other blogs beside my own.
it would be nice to read about topics that interst me. but sifting through some of the millions of blogs out there-
everyone seems so damn happy. with their little updates about simple pleasures,
and to many pictures of their fucking pets. but maybe my main peer group-
the people I relate to most dont keep blogs. maybe their is a stariotypical "blogger"
and I just dont fit the catagory. Im a rebel blogger. and you just dont see enough miserable people on blog sites.
just a bunch of arrogant losers trying to make it seem like their boring life is so great.
well it is, im jelous. my boring life is stupid. glad you all are so content with yours.

waking up on the wrong side of the bed

because I know the day ahead holds the same monotonous string of events,
as the day before, and the day before that. Im a believer in rutien,
but it seems a waste to bother rolling out of bed when there isnt anything worth getting up for.
Im in a bad mood before I even open my eyes, and when the faint yelling streams into my consiousness-
growing louder and louder, the fuck yous, and petty insults thrown back and forth..
I wish I could stay asleep and wake up somewhere else. Its like a soap oprea left on tv,
all hours of the day. I am so sick of them. so fed up with myself. so done with my life.
I had all these hopes for what seattle would be like. Like my big life changing experience,
where I could find my niche, and blossom into a person I enjoy being.
I could have friends, and go to raves, be independent and support myself.
but I feel more like an angry leech, sucking my mother for  resources,
then sitting bitterly in digust at how litttle I have. greed substitutes emotional emtiness.
I think if the sun would only come out things could be so much better.
at least then I could pretend to have some optimism, but the gloom of
a sky so thick with clouds, I feel like im choking on death everytime I look outside.
It gets dark to early, spoiling my motivation to go anywhere- in a town I dont know, alone, in blackness.

Goals

read more books.
finish decoding love.
go to the library tomorow, get a card.

call kiarer, make sure they send me imunization records.
go to the DMV, get new id card.

...with that, visit the college and take placement tests. hopefully before the end of the week.

fill out application to Value Village.
turn in while waiting to hear back from Bill about Jack in the box. (yuck)
if job at jack in the box is available... vow not to eat misery away alongside the dollar menu.
dont eat misery away in general. lose 15 pounds. hell, lose 20.

be more persistant with writting, and art.
put stolen sketchbook from walgreens to good use, seeing as its mostly empty.

snake tattoo, 18th birthday.
find a design that I like. maybe greek?

get a green pen. write in green ink.

read more poetry. write less meaningless babbling.

get a grip on this inferriority complex.
downsize ego, increase self esteem, respect?

Find a boy. but learn from mistakes, and dont repeate. (who wears a short skirt, and a long jacket)
you shouldnt fall to fast, and turn into a life sucking emotional wreckage.

get laid... its been two weeks. (wtf is that??)

find a yoga class. cut down on smoking.

bagder mom about boxing classes, and buying me that camo jacket.

forget the world. the word assumption.

reclaim acceptance into my life.
agnowlage that their is a bigger world, than the petty shit you emerse your full attention to.

go a day without getting on facebook. or a week. delete facebook, its fucking retarded.

no, Im never gunna delete my facebook. it would be nice tho.

make up mind about mohawk. or just do it.

fill heart with love. meet a god who deserves praise.
be less of a pessimist. be less of a self critic.

your to hard on yourself, darlin.

smoke some bud. Ive missed bud.
get some coke. some e. some beer.

get shitty. but dont over do it. just a little taste to tide me over.

build my interrior.

train Lucy Lu to do something neat.

contemplate communicating with my father, my family.
dont lose track of time away from them. keep them close to your heart,
even if they feel your a monster. they can still love a friendly monster.

get some new music. stop eating avacodo, as tempting as it may be.

mmhm

with a little more drive, reservation, and maturity,
Less self entitlement, bullshit, and aluring snake like charm.
I COULD BE THOM YORKE.

but not in the wierd, "being john malcovich" type of way.

"who do you love?"

I am trapped in a fanasy world,
undergoing an accuputurists syringe-  a frightening mix.

a love junkie with leather skin surounding the rib cage.
experimenting with exploitation, and the silly beliefs,
that one last fix can cure such bad timing.

Im spoiled rotten, a pout sits stubernly on the brow,
where I would rather sweat, or kisses, or marmalade.
anything but the face of a victem. a soggy baby,
who wails on and on and on. rejecting comfort.

to abandon the feeling that I have been wronged.
to burn the stories written in my head of how it should be.

to burn everything.

I have ever loved. ever remembered. ever given time of day.
except maybe some happy memories of my father.
some good bands, and my favorite foods.

we hate eachother.
its great! we agrue over nothing.

If i didnt disslike him so much I dont think id really care,
but damn- there is nothing like hostility and tension between two people.
Im sure the sex would be incredible now.

yet i feel like i might have to let it go.
like helium ballons, so eager to reach the sky-
my arm could be pulled from the socket if i dont release.

their will be more pretty things to hold onto,
these ones belong in the sky. you on the earth. with your greedy earthly desires.

stop trying to do everything in your indirect power to halt them.
the seporation shows mutaul respect. in a tiny dose.

let it go.

dissfunctional fuckbuddies

Mark as SpamReport as AbuseAngelo Chase u can feel the pain n watch me cry, but u never thot to picc me up n give me the strength u took from me, its as if i wuz a game bein playd n u only used the cheats to hide n get past me. now im dwn to earth n below feelin this n hopin to find the cure




21 hours ago ·LikeUnlike · Comment · View Feedback (10)Hide Feedback (10)





Emily Elizabeth Tanksley you ok?

20 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase alot goin on in my head, but ill make it

20 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley It happends. Well if ya need to talk im here. Crazier than you are, so im sure i know what yer goin through lol

20 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase lol... idk if u really kno tho. ppl that have known me for like my whole life really understand

20 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley lol okkkk. Then good luck on your own broski. Most peoples problems have common ground. At the root its usually all the same shit people can relate to, but whatev. Just tryn to help :)

20 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase y u take it as a bad thing?? for me, common grounds dnt help.. talkin to ppl i trust n ppl who have been thru it wit me can only help me bcuz they r more than juz friends, they r family. its diff.. i run diff than alot of ppl

20 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley lol what you said just seemed a little dramatic, but its cool i get what you mean. Hope you figure shit out.

17 hours ago via Facebook Mobile · LikeUnlike.Angelo Chase dramatic is a phrase of deceit in which i have known, so stop tryin to put it on m elike u needa help, wen u dnt.. i got this n can do it on my own. ive been thru it n kno how to get over it.

13 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Desma Crupper gee stubonr ass :)



I sent you a smiley! Want to see it? http://www.facebook.com/apps/application.php?id=116318625062183&v=app_4949752878&partner=ZNzfb010_ZLxdm2104NUS

6 hours ago · LikeUnlike.Emily Elizabeth Tanksley Omg are you on crack? Why the fuck are you being a dick about this. If your still mad about whatever- get the fuck over it. I dont want to be your friend if your gunna be like this when i offer support. Shit.

correction

i wish i could delete my life,
like shitty blog posts.

erase parts that dont quite seem me.

I notice when i dont think before I act, or speak-

I act only on fear and insecurities.
i get so defensive. and try to play it off like i dont care.

but I do. i care so much.
everything gets to me, and im a such big imature baby.

got a pet rat.
named her lucy lucifer.

shes really adorable.
took her to value village today with my mom,
she was our third acomplice.

got some old shirts. bought cigerettes,
and mom got whine. which makes me overjoyed,
because she hassssss to share.

we came home, I took a bath, and read my book in the tub.
listened to mom and adam fight, threats of breaking up that has lost any meaning.
then I dried myself, and made dinner. cut up some avacoda. turkey, chips, and salad.

got on facebook. this is my life.

...this is my...                                        life.


hu.

somethings taking over

my sensible side is being drowned out by a... what?
slipping me into a mode of thinking-
where my answer to everything is I DONT GIVE A FUCKKKK.
withdrawls? stds? rape?
i dont give a fuck.

I know what I want I know what I want I know what I want.

the rest is meaningless. little setbacks, ya know?

dubstep, drugs, and some lucky bastared drooling over my shit.
thats all I need, and im a (happy) miserable little girl. :)

its a game

Ill smash you onto the concrete,
with your ten gallon heart.
Ill squeeze the life out of you.
wear your remains like artwork smeared across my chest.
Ill fuck your shit up, boy.

GO FUCK YOURSELF

Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 2:10am kjdfg;iudcklnfuig9o'vnervkiogtovnt9vg. dont talk down to me like ive got a problem. i know you care about me, and I care about you to. but if were gunna be friends youve gotta let me do my own thing, and not let it effect things. ive got shit under control. im doing good, really. so dont stress?? :) .


Angelo Chase November 25 at 7:36am Report

look, if ur gonna use anythin but bud or alcohol, i wont associate wit u. plain n simple. u didnt believe me inportland, y dnt u now knowin the fact that everythin workd out?? .

Angelo Chase November 25 at 8:20am Report

u kno wat.. juz do u, ima be outta this, u think u fuccin got this shit dwn but u dnt kno shit, ive watchd ppl like u die from this disease n u really think ur strong enough to control it?? ya right, ur the weakest of em all.. im not even strong enough to hold bacc, thaz y i dnt picc up that shit n sticc to bud.. so bye. have fun doin u if u dnt wanna listen to me. have fun gettin high outta ur mind doin nothin in life, u have such potential but ui dnt even use it right, u use it negfatively. u can do anythin u want to if u put ur mind into it, seeive vhnaged, i left the drug game n i left the gang game n i left the stealing game n i left the fightin game n i left it all bcuz i heard a sound in my head n it told me to quit b4 i die n b4 i give up on myself n guess wat, u came into myu life n i tried to picc u up n help u outbut u dnt even want it, so bye.. thaz all i gotta say. BYE .

Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 1:21pm Alright dickhead. If you wanna use this as an excuse to fuckn drop me, cool cool cool. Thats fuckn awesome! I dont give a fuck. Peace.

Sent via Facebook Mobile .

Angelo Chase November 25 at 1:27pm Report

drop u?? i aint droppd u. u kno wat, i care bout ppl so much, i had sum chicc message me sayin thank u for savin her life, is all i wantd to do for u was help, but u think using is the world n u gotta do it, but u dnt.. bye .

Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 1:53pm I apreciate everything you tried to do for me... But i never asked for your help. And i dont understand why you would possibly get so pissed off about this, other than it just being an easy way for you to dip out.

Sent via Facebook Mobile .

Angelo Chase November 25 at 1:55pm Report

lol... pissd off, bcuz wen u see sum1 who can go sumwhere in life n they juz wanna throw it away, it shows i care. it shows i wanna see u do sumthin in ur life rather than die bcuz u needed the next line or the next pill. ive seen it happen, if i wantd to ditch out on u, i wouldnt talk to u, idc.. we arent dating n we arent in a relationship, u made that clear. u made sure i knew that. so ur phrase of ditchin out on u is way off... .

Emily Elizabeth Tanksley November 25 at 2:42pm Well i wish i could agree with you, and stay clean.. But it would never work because i wouldnt be doing it for myself. You should know that. And i guess i just have a wierd way of going about things when it comes to guys. I dont like starting out with any commitments. If they really like me.. They wait. So I feel like i wasnt important enough for you to wait. But if we cant even tollorate being friends, and were TOTAL opposites btw, then its probubly for the best. Haha. And everyone has potential. I see it in myself, but im not ready to give up everything else. Im going to jack in the box in a sec, if i didnt get the job ill get applications somewhere else. Im getting my diploma, then going to art school and pursuing something i love. So im growing up in someways, but thinking about staying sober scares the shit out of me. I can admit that i do have a prob, or this wouldnt be such a big deal for me NOT TO. So idk, i still have a lot of shit to sort out, ive just been feinding and know i wanna do it.

Sent via Facebook Mobile .

Angelo Chase November 25 at 2:48pm Report

well, then hit a meeting, n i wait to, but not wen its put out there the way it was.. i felt like there wuz more to it then friends n i dnt have sex wit juz friends, im srry.. yes its happend, n its happend a few times, but not again an no more will it again. if u wanna do sumthin in life, look ahead n dnt look bacc. throw away the drugs n keep ur head on straight. ur gonna end up like a junky if u dnt give up the drugs. u only want em bcuz ur not happy wit urself n i kno that for a fact, bcuz u dnt even kno y u juz fiend for it. im an addict i kno y. we all can get over it if we want to

organic confusion

there is a fungus,
spreading between us.
keeping us sick.
keeping us unaware,
that there might be something better out there?




were stuffing our faces. filling our brains.
the social norm becomes clinicly insane...

EAT ME ALICE

your going to post a bog!

ABOUT WHAT?!?!

a) drugs
b) your obsession with some nameless male
c) an inflamation of your ego, trying to convince the world of something.
d) self loathing
e) something with the word 'neuorotic'  that mentions how your losing it, but doesnt actually go any further in detail.
f)bullshit

oppse. those are your only options. sorry.

its just a bad idea, for my to open my mouth.
in general. ever. fuck my thoughts.
I should keep them barred away,
in the sad room connected to my neck.
they can live there, and shut the blinds forever.
I only humiliate myself, and sound like a fucking idiot.
so fuck everyone. with your fucking standards,
on how i should be. I dont want to be here anymore.
but i dont want to be their either. my dreamland is miserable.
its all gloom. and discontentment, with everything.
I wish i wanted to die. but i dont.
anyone in their right mind, in my situation should.
but i dont. i still hold onto the hope that someday i might have hope.
hahahahahahahahahahahaha. its so fucking retarded. god.

kfgb;iiiiiiiiiiguo'''fnh9't8eghnkfn//sdhigo'd fuckers

what?

bored with words that dont protray what the hell im trying to say.
clouds. the giant funky white devils of the sky.
nothing compares to how we really see. how we feel.
language is our most direct avenue of expression.
but there is a whole world that escapes words.
that words can only get a glimps of... but it never adds up.
there is this pool of mystery, things we will never be able to talk about,
or share with another. things we know so well, but cannot comprehend.
wrap our brain around. its cool, but so sad. so dissapointing.

there is so much magic in the life. how we interact,
its a beautiful thing. those times when two people are truely REAL with one another.
you experience it together. portaled into that other mystery land, away from the bullshit.


I got dajavoo the other day, and it was the most intense feeling...
and there was something big, old, and strange at my finger tips.
so many emotions... and no way to put words to it.
i will never be able to understand or describe what I felt.
what memories I was feeling for in the dark.
a past life. a recollection burried in my sub concious.
its something I will never be able to know.
my whole life I will continue to feel in the dark.
as will we all... stumbling. forever. feinding for something real.

46 seconds in

like a tidal wave of SICK AS BEAT

why do i bother

writting about these assholes. god.

Ill spare you this one. save myself some dignity.
whatever.

cravings

sometimes I think I might be happy.
onto something, small as a toenail clipping held between the fingers.
a tiny sliver of moon. a little snowflake of dust.
I look at it with such longing and pride.
waiting for it to blossom into something bigger.
just as I bend my head to the sky, breath deeply.
look down and find it gone. my hand is empty. my life incomplete.
the cinima inside my head rewinds to happier times. the only ive ever know.
I think of extacy. of molly. I think of coke. and meth. I think of speed.
I think of a rushing feeling. and sudden release. my tension CUT.
I think thats all ive ever wanted. its all I need.

just talk

splurge. "my egos like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it"
you dont know hell. not like everyone does. your own personal hell-
lives in your gut, that you experience entirely alone.
Ill tell you a little about mine. my mind is on a one way track-
it repeats itself like a child that isnt being heard.
obsessive. compulsive. I feel hollow, living from one sad lonely pleasure to another.
there is no reasoning. it wants pleasure, all the time. and settles for small fixes.
DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL OKAY.
GET HIGH. MAKE HIM LIKE YOU. BINGE. EAT. FUCK. THROW IT UP.
i am a prisoner to my disire, but there is no lust. no enjoyment.
just a pathetic pursuit to make one singular moment more barable.
Im not the person i pretend to be. and its evident when I lose my filter.
I resort to a nervous passive mess. my eyes cannot meet yours.
I wonder if you notice how fucking insecure I am.
If only I could see myself like they do. do they see???
do they know im begging for aproval every second in their company.
when im with someone I feel okay. everything I do is to just try to feel okay.
I dont want to be this way forever. I dont want to live like this.
but maybe theres beauty in hell. in fire. and pain. and self destruction.
its a twisted pleasure. its depression that loses luster. grey and murky, without love.
where is love? why am I always left out of the loop. and dont tell me its fucking normal to feel this way.
I dont want to be normal, in anyway. I like being my own entitee of chaos.
maybe thats why I refuse to change. to better myself.
subconsiously I am happy to sit in my misery.
my own filth feels good between the legs.
cleanliness is to mainstream for me.

searching for something worthwhile.
the color yellow comes to mind. sunshine. teeth. certain flowers.
and all things green. even puke. grass. salad. a vast ocean. my hoodie.

I think im dying. a little.

in some places, so growth can exist in others.
showing syptoms of warm body syndrom.
still in love with the world, trying to break everyones heart-
but they get to me first. so my focus is reseeding onto more solid, more reliable passtimes.
Ive been drawing. reading. eating. sitting with misary, drugless and documenting it.
stole a string cheese the other day. walked up to walgreens to get toilet paper.
complusive gum chewer.

first post in a while

Ive moved up to Lynnwood with my mom and her boyfriend adam,
and so far things are going well. I lost complete control over everything-
but its dripping back to life. I am stronger now. I no longer cringe with fear.
I got arrested two weeks ago for a run away charge, and posession of cocaine.
having spent the night before convulsing, dry heaving in a garage-
abused, left in the cold, needing to put out in order for that asshole
to let me sleep somewhere warm and dry. I was hallucinating, and hearing voices.
couldnt tell if I had overdosed, or was just sick and withdrawling already.
So I was happy to sleep in a cell for a night. happy to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
happy to be warm, and safe, and away from the things that got me there.
When the officers called my grandparents- they refused to pick me up.
all my other family memebers also refused, or where unable to come.
So the officers called my grandparents again and got permission to let me leave on my own.
they gave me a bus pass, and my shoes, and belongings, pointing me to the door.
I went down town and met up with my "boyfriend" whom I had met for the first time the day before.
he held me, with such convincing emotion saying how badly he missed and worried for me.
we say down, I was thinking. he spoke up "we shouldnt get the morning after pill, I think you should keep the baby if your pregnant. I want a family" I told him no of corse, and realised he was crazier than I was. but spoke down to me in a way that seemed like he knew. very...paternal and stern. all knowing. It was comforting, and I would find myself weaker listening to him, forgeting my better judgment, considering things I shouldnt be considering. My grandparents letting me go was the greatest thing anyone had ever done for me. That night I slept under a bridge and whatched bumbs shoot up. Angelo held me, and we fucked in the cold. seporatly, my back to his chest, and I just layed there. staring at the sleeping junkies. unaware of what the fuck was happening to my life. he was always such a selfish lover. I provided a hole to fill, and he neglected everyother part of me. such shitty sex. The next day I was craving some speed so badly I began to cry, I left angelo- told him I was done and he got angry and walked out of my life. I felt so much more capable on my own but without him I recieved a lot of unwanted attention. a man smoked me a joint and then asked for sex, another tried to lure me into chinatown prostitution. I became sick again and started shaking and crying. needed drugs more than anything- but the lifestyle was to frightening alone. I came to a train station and aproached one of the ticket salesmen. he let me call my mom and as soon as I got on the phone I began to sob. He bought me a train ticket and asked me if I had seen pay it forward. I said yes and promised to turn my life around, and mumbled some other dopey shit, and he said he had no idea what I was talking about- but I should get an id card. I said ok and borded the train. I got to seattle on wed and was miserable. I tried to forget everything but the memories where on loop. sober, I could recall things with a better understanding. I had been drugged, and raped in his bedroom- but didnt understand it at the time. "no im to high to fuck, i cant do this" and he says "no, your not to high" the speed he gave me made it to where I couldnt move. the next day we acted like it didnt happen. maybe he was suprised when it didnt phaze me but my self respect was so low it really didnt. it didnt seem unusual at the time that I would say no and he would keep going. hes a guy, hes horney, were still friends. Thinking about it became to much and I left my moms appartment sunday night looking for trouble. made my way to a hotel room with two guys and smoked meth. we drank beer, and then I got fingered by whats his name. he couldnt go through with sex because Im closer in age to his kid than him. but he tried again, and I said no he has his chance I was done. his concience battling his balls. "...it turns me on when you say no" but he couldnt do anything about it. I left, came home feeling ill with myself. I got drunk, and apparently went off on this rampage about how I needed a guy who could treat me like shit. use me. these guys are all pussies. when I got home I tried to hid it, but had to explain to my mother what had happend. she said she wasnt angry. she tried to get me to eat, and gave me a trazadone cuz I was incapable of sleep. now its been six days scince I have used. I feel better about myself each day, and am regaining clarity and peace of mind. I dont know why it was nessicary for things to get to such a dark and low point- but it was something I had to experience. self destruction followed through until the last bad thing I could possibly have done to myself was suicide. which would have been a fucking relief. but Ive survived. Im listening. Im breathing. Ive gotten it all out of my system, so the internal rumbling is still. so tierd of drugs, and disgusting sex. Im do yoga now, and whatch tv. I dont go out much, or at all. you could say im hiding. burrowed away from it all, but its better than the alternative.

i still hate my life

on the hunt for some co co co cocaineeeeeeeee.
im my brainnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
everything hurts. I just wanna die.
maybe if I was pregnant Id have an excuse to call him.
I was doing so well, but sitting at the bus stop in the sun-
memories flooded back. and I need to get out of this fucking house.
I dont want to be here anymore. I dont want to be anywhere.
started shaking today during break, and I think everyone noticed.
I dont give a fuck. Im loosing my mind. Life feels more like a video game than anything.
pixels that mean nothing. no one has feelings. everyone has an agenda, and a mission-
and will fuck you over on their way. The acid I took yesterday has made my thoughts so blurry.
ontop of an already pending unstable mind set, It helped little.
coke though. thats just warm and fuzzy.
no worries.
no worries.
no worries.

finally got a good hookup through Raven,
so tomorow ima be on that shit like fuckn flies on honey.

You think im depressed?
You think im suicidle?
nahhhh. its mexican soup for dinner.
Im not passing that up.

new focus

doug has lost power over me.
I want nothing to do with him.

these relationships im in have
NOTHING to do with the other person.
I dont think I give a fuck about a single human being.
I just dont want to be lonely. and that makes me feel awful.
I only use people. and I dont play it well.

my impulses tell me to bail.
I want to hide from everyone.
I feel transparent, my face only a dirty window-
looking into anxiety. I hate myself.
I hate the veiw I see looking in or out.
I get wierd. I fear people so much.
and I know Im not the person Im trying to be.
I have to much hesitance, but naturaully I have no social grace.
I would rather sit and say nothing, than take a chance at rejection.
I brag to make myself seem like the things I do are okay.
skipped school today to drop acid with some kids I hardly know.
half way though i kept feeling like they were judging me,
and didnt want me there anymore. so i shut down.
I couldnt look anyone in the eye. I couldnt get comforatble.
didnt know who to talk to. where my place was.
my hair was greasy, and everything just felt wrong.
Im weak, and cannot stand up. Im just doing the same shit over and over,
waiting for it to get better. waiting to feel okay around people.

now what

turn the computer off. get some water.
eat chocolate. come down stairs.
lay on the couch. fall asleap to tv.
wake up and call annie for a ride.
fix my hair. get smoked out by raven and monty.
do whatever the fuck i feel like.
dont hold back. but keep heart cold,
under lock and key.

same shit different post. I promise ill get over this soon.

your lurking in my deepest regrets,
seeped into the bloodstream,
of putrid memories.
you lied. and its poisoning.
were fucking sick. I love to much, and you seem incapable.
Its amazing how fast you snapped.
Stopped being the dog and turned into a wolf.
wanting meat. to shred and hold between your teeth.
you taste not, only enjoying the sent of pain.
There are things now that make me cringe.
The flickers of detachment I saw in you.
putting your hand against my throat,
like choking me was the best way to get you off.
Abusing power, my absolute willingness to do anything for you.
then switching back to this nerdy imature demenoure.
like you could have been so weak and insecure.
Now she has her hand on your chest.
and you look like one cocky mother fucker.                       but im trying to moving on.
The wolves come out at night,                                        its some awful process,
The wolves come out at night.                                        yet neccisary. this hurt.
out to kill. out to fuck.                                                                      but its normal to hurt.
leaving one feeling                                                                       I can recall the sweet things he said..
worthless.                            I can forgive                   and tell myself they can still be true    
 degraded.                                     move on                               It wasnt just a ploy. and all  bloodied.                                                                                 trouble he went through, all the lies without                                                                                        was an amazing effort-
hope.                                                                                                 all just to get inside me.
                                                                                                    he thought i was special in one way.
                                                                                                            even if that was all.
I wonder if he misses me.

ohh god.

trying so hard not to be a crazy bitch.
not to call.

what the fuck is your problem?

had a dream I was making out with a boy,
and he threw up in my mouth.
I spit it out all over his shirt, and he got angry with me.
like I should have swallowed it. I felt sick.

you stole my only chance of happiness.
I had the picture in my head, of how it would be.
you could have been my best friend.

I just want you back

treat me like shit.
you were never rough enough.
I need someone who can handle abuse.
I cant do this on my own, and i cant sit still without pain.
I need sorrw to fill absence. like an emotional cutter.
beat the shit out of me. degrade me.
just take me back. I dont care.
im drink enough to tell you,
if only you would call.
wish i could cry.
no one understands what I have to go through each day.
the knawing dog, cracking the bones of my serenity.
I cannot do anything. I do not exist.
I need harder drugs. honestly,
I dont give a fuck. nothings working,
and this feeling will never pass.
this is my entire life, in one moment.
unbarable, and addicted to the feeling of being wanted.
unable to get drunk or high enough to forget.
petrified to call. tail between the legs.
bent over, ready to be used.
out of tears. to high to be alone.
disgusted with myself.
so lost.

have your fun

with the only place I can be hurt.
I crawl twords the one thing Ive got.
the only thing that seems satisfying.
I kissed him thinking it would mean recovery.
mean that it didnt matter, what you did.
but it still hurts. the kiss wasnt the same.
as the slow motion, of falling for someone I thought mattered.
you had me in a bliss, a darkness crying throught the trees.
like a salty romance, that felt so absolutly right.
I could have been there for the rest of my life. because Im afraid of anthing else.
other guys make me miss you. they dont talk like you. think like you. hold me the way you did.
so thats it. hu? thats all we were. its an invasion of my sacred place.
my cell of love members. that clung to you like water on skin. you killed me.
and I dont know why this always seems to be the case. only strengthens my feelings-
of only being good for a fuck. It wasnt that hard, you didnt have to twist my emotions,
into a fucking wreckage just to get into my pants. you men make it a fucking art form,
the way you can so easily manipulate to get what you want.
did you like me in the palm of your hand? only to drop me like a roach,
your to high to smoke. I hate you. I hate what youve dont to me.
but I would do anything to have that feeling again.
Im a sick puppy. I cant help but love to strongly.
but im just a girl, Im so inexperienced with these things.
I can make your eyes roll to the back of your head,
but cant make you stick around. your friends give you high fives?
you tell them how sad I became. but what a good fuck.
how you hurt me, walked away and never looked back.
the thing is, your back on the search.
In my desperation, my fucking cluelessness for how someone could hurt so effortlessly,
i saw. youve been hitting up other girls. flirtatious little facebook comments.
they have no idea, what a complete asshole you are. and it makes me wonder,
if this is your soul source of action. no interst in love...
but you play it so well.

ANGER

FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUUU.
DONT FUCKING GET INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP IF YOUR NOT READY. YOU MESSED WITH MY HEAD AND MADE ME THINK THAT I MENT SOMETHING TO YOU. BUT YOUR JUST A FUCKN PUSSSYYYYY. IVE TURNED GUYS DOWN, THINKING THERE WAS SOME KIND OF HOPE WITH US. IVE BEEN FAITHFUL, AND PATIENT. AND YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. YOU DONT CARE. YOU DONT WANT TO SEE ME. NOW THAT SEX IS OUT OF THE PICTURE THIS IS THE LONGEST YOUVE GONE WITHOUT CALLING. WHY YOU GOTTA BE SUCH A FUCKN DUCHE?

its humiliating. to be that girl.
who gets to attached. and cant keep her cool.
cant play my cards right, and have some self control.
when I love, it is fully and passionate.
I cant slow down, even if what we have is just in my head.
because YOUU dont actually exist, do you?
that which I crave from you is only an illusion ive created.
you were a template. I saw a future. the person I wanted you to be.
The way I wanted you to make me feel. but it aint like that.
dont people know how fucking sensitive I am?
how easily hurt?? cant you give me a break.
I hate hurting. Its so disgusting.
I cant sit still. but have no motivation to move.
i just want to lie here and hate myself.
hate you. hate. hate. hate. errbody. errything.
cuz its all just one big trap to fuck you over.
guess in the end thats all it is. but its the good stuff that counts.
the blissful periods inbetween the suffering. but those good times,
are what makes the downfall so painful. remebering. wishing.
then meeting reality. spitting in its face. and falling to your knees.
no way to win with this one.

you make me wanna

throw up. stab someone in the face. sit in the dark. paint it black. eat garbage. post millions of blogs. be alone. sulk. punch things. scream. smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. get really high. avoid romance movies. kill things. listen to wilco. yell at puppies. rip things. bite things. cry. whatch a marathon of bush speaches. write letters in blood. pull my hair out. burn your shorts. wear your shorts. cry in your shorts. have sex with someone else while in your shorts. eat bacon. throw up again, I hate bacon. call my mom. spend hours on facebook. check your status repeatedly. do acid. give myself brain damage. drink bleach. drink whiskey. play the same song over and over. even though I know it only makes things worse. beat myself up. not look in the mirror. try sleeping. tell myself its going to be alright. not believe it. wait for a call. stay up to late. sleep all day. not get out of bed. whatch to much tv. get sick of tv. miss you. hate everything. push people away. harbor serious trust issues.

I fucking hate

sleeping alone.
its the worste.
I have to get high just so I can stand the lonliness.


so fucking neurotic.
haha. im a mess.

its not all bad, I swear.

I just focus on the negative.

welcome

to my miserable life.

no no no. everything is wrong again

what makes me upset is how I handled this.
I shouldnt have sent the stupid text,
cuz now he is gunna know how important it is to me,
and how much I care and it bothers me.
he can snap my self worth in half effortlessly.
I have to prepare myself for whats next.
a lot of pain, I can feel it.
this is going to hurt. close your eyes.
get it over with, like peeling a band aid.
Im not gunna dwel on this. I cant.
my heart wont take it.

to doug 12:43 in the morning

"If your not gunna call me, maybe we should just be friends. Making me think you care, then not hearing from you just fucks w my head so i give up"

...no response


you got played fool. he doesnt give a fuck.
its just that, our last kiss was so tender, so vulnerable.

now hes got all the power and its making me squirm.
I am completly at his mercy. luckily the first talk of rejection is coming from me.
so Ive regained some control. I just dont understand.

I fucking gave him the option of fucking no emotions attached.
but noooo. "I like youu" its not like that.

so why. why why why.

I dont know what the fuck is going through his head,
but he isnt ready for any of this. weve been seeing eachother for two weeks and its already way to complicated. i fell to fast, and to hard. he obviously didnt, but I expect more of him.

I dont want to find anyone else.
I dont want to fuck anyone else.
Im done with that, I just want some stability.

and he is not providing.

first alex, now him. why am I always getting hurt.
left behind. abandoned.

fine and dandy.
everythings guna be oookayyys.
even if its not. I will be.
      strong.     and unafraid.

daily agenda

I dont even want to fucking do anything today.
gunna walk up to bumb a cigg.
then walk back home.

its amazing.
             how much damage one person can do.
without saying anything.

but suffering is a part of life.
    its normal to have pain.
Its experience. Its real.
its charecter building.

last caress

his facebook post

my once iron shell that represents my fear and blocks my love has been worn down to a mere egg shell.. my instincts are to retreat before its to late and have no choice but to surrender my heart, as the shell of another is untouched and my fear grows strong yet weak, I sit in confutation realizing im so weak that my he...art is exposed and hers for the taking but I well hurt my self be for any one get the chance agene.


wtf does it mean.

deep seeded hate for men

this just isnt gunna work out.
hes obviously not interested,
and I hate the way Ive become one of those clingy woman,
expecting him to call when he doesnt want to.
bitching at him. pleeding for him to care.
my self respesct sits passivly in the corner.
completly useless, and small.

I dont care, you can do anything to me.
You are my salvation. I trust you with everything.
its his arms I miss the most. Dark Hawaiin skin,
Tight broad shoulders, he would hold me with both arms.
squeese me so closely it was hard to breath.
softly kissing the back of my neck, then falling asleap.
I think its the only time ive ever felt okay.
now im left with the fucking emptyness.
so fucking empty.

So today I will fix my make up, do my hair,
wear something black.

and forget him.
Im worth caring about.

who loves the rain

It hurts even more when im high.
now I dont even know how to process it.
I cant think logicly it just feels catastrophic.
the mountins are crashing down, and the sky is reseeding into space.
I am nowhere, you are everywhere. how do we peice this back together.
                my self esteem torn by the seem.
its fucked up. If you just called I could explain. I didnt know.
there is still hope that you will call. but its sliping with the clock ticking.
If you let me down, I will find another.
pack my sore love pocket, my empty cigarette carton, my lost self.
I will pick up all that you let fall down. you let me down.
when reliant on another, i will always be dissapointed.
no one can keep me happy. no one can love me enough.
and even though he's rejected me. I keep my dignity.
(until he calls and everything okay agian.)
you see, emtional health is an absolute last resort.

boredom

take me away         
               me away            take me away  take me            take me away

  ta ke    take me

away
                       away away       



                                                         take m        take me away
          take me away    e    

 take me away

                       take me away



take me away  take me away take me

     take me away   take me away         away                              take
  

                                             take me away

take me away

I want to leave these people

Fuck my family.
their ignorance regarding the situation is outstanding.
got in the car with my dad last night, assuming my grandmother hadnt told him.

"were gunna ask you to wash your hands very well, and dont interact with the kids at all until your desiese is gone, we dont want them to catch anything"

feeling very ill.
physicly. really dizzy and fucked up.
might puke.

comfort

the world is colapsing

I called.
he said thank you for telling him, and he was sorry.
I left it at that. and hung up.
I got the medication, four pills.
which ment I actually had to eat something.
which was a shame. I cant let my mind sit alone.
I need to occupy myself, or the disgust kills me.
I hate myself. I am so detached.
so fucking frantic. I just want to leave.
float away somewhere alone,
and never have to feel anything.

I feel absolutly sick.
never thought this would happen to me.
not me. not me. not me.
got my results back,
and I still dont even have the guts to call him.
he fucking ruined me. everything I had he took from me.
I always felt alex was part of my life, a fundemental charecter to my story.
he was. i will never forget how badly he burnt me.
his indifference. completly emotionless.
It will always haunt me. like the murderer standing calmly over suffering victems.
without a care in the world, but absolute misery in their smile.
His reaction is what makes me afraid. I dont want to give him another oppurtunity to be an asshole.
but I need to tell him. I dont know who he's fucking, but he should know what he has.

how do things get so fucked up.
so wrong. everything is so wrong.

I over reacted.
he called tonight and appologized.
I acted indifferent. casual.
he got a job working at the airport.
which is great. but I wont get to see him as much.
he asked if I wanted to hang out tonight.
I said yeah, but we would have to stay around here because I lost my house key.
he promised to call me when he got home. alright. its chill.

I hate the way Im dependent on someone to feel okay.
earlier today I was a mess, because i didnt think he cared.
I didnt understand why. I rehersed in my head all the things I did wrong.
trying to see things from him perspective, hyperfocused on my flaws.
now things feel managable. my self esteem intact.

Today was a wierd day though. I woke up after only four hours of sleep,
was late for school, and threw up at the bus stop. haha.
took an ADD pill to try and wake up, but it only made my body feel shakey and worn,
and my mind skattered. I texted doug, but he never responded.
I made it to CCC but was late, and sick. so I never went in to class.

Got on the 33, and went to back to oak grove.
waited at the stop till ten, then went shopping at the dig.
tried on some shirts, bought one for 3 dollars.

walked home, and took a hot shower.
layed down and took a nap.
woke up and bought a five bowl from my neighbor.
called doug, and he said hed call me tonight after work at 8.
and he remembered! haha.

shit.